Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

[MrsPumplechook]

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

This is CLEARLY your issue not your daughter's. If you love her, you will tell whatever she wants to do will be absolutely fine with you and you'll prioritise her happiness y wholeheartedly supporting her choice.

I doubt you're capable of doing this on your post but it's what a good mother would do.

If your DD sees her step mother and exchanges small talk, she clearly doesn’t have the same issues with her that you do.

I wouldn't interpret this as having any warmth. It reads to me like they acknowledge each other when they must but don't have any relationship.

I've seen my father's wife twice in the last decade. The first time, it was literally just greetings, the second time we exchanged some very light conversation within a larger group. It has nothing to do with my mother; this woman was unnecessarily and consistently unpleasant to me when I had to stay at my father's as a child and adolescent. I'm not planning on getting married, for various reasons, but if I were, I can't see that I would be inviting her to my wedding.

Would it ruin the day for everyone? How does your dd feel about it, is it her that doesn't want her sm to attend?

If it is your DD's decision then she invites just her df, but needs to accept that he may not come.

It's an awful situation, but sometimes it's a case of pleasing yourself and if it doesn't go your way, accept it and make the most of what you've got.

Surely your daughter wants both her parents there and given her father now has a new wife, she is to be included as part of the family and your daughter can trust everyone to behave as an adult about it.

I cannot believe that everyone at the party hates this woman and would be as put out as you say. Your daughter clearly has a civil relationship with her and she is likely to be in her life for a while yet.

I think your DD needs to think through some of the scenarios.

Totally understandable if she doesn't want the new wife there, but this comes with the real possibility that she won't have her dad there, either. How does she feel about this? She needs to talk to him (alone) about it and find out his position - is he prepared to come alone?

If she invites them both then the next hurdles could be seating - will SM expect to be on the top table? Will she threaten pulling out (and taking DF with her) if she's not? Plus many, many other issues if you think there will be bad behaviour - photo line-ups. greeting line, speeches, wanting to invite her own family/friends.

DD can start with a chat to her dad and take it from there.

There is normally someone that leads the way in a break up - my ex wife did that (although did not run off with OM). Harsh as it sounds, this is what your daughter wants and as others have said, it means she will have to upset mum or dad!

Is it really going to that bad with her there? For one day?

If your daughter hasn't realised yet what a selfish shit her father is, she will soon if he refuses to go to her wedding without the OW. I think you have to respect your daughter's decision on this and not make her feel bad if she feels the only way to have her father at the wedding is to invite the OW. I'm sure she feels terribly conflicted and guilty, which really isn't fair because she has done nothing wrong. She didn't create this situation, yet she's still having to deal with the fallout of her father's actions.

It’s also quite possible that the relationship your DD has with her stepmother and how much they communicate is nothing like how you think it is or what your DD tells you it is, to spare your feelings.

From what you've described, I don't see any drama. Your daughter is getting married. She appears to have a civil relationship with your ex's wife. It's up to your daughter whom she wants to invite and under what circumstances.

You should hate your ex, as he's the one who chose to cheat and leave his marriage, but if you insist on seeing this as 100% on the OW...doesn't matter. It's your daughter's day. If her father or his wife cause any drama then that's on them, but you need to make sure you don't have any part in it. The guest list is up to your daughter and her fiance, you just need to turn up and not create any kind of scene that could ruin her day.

Yeah I would echo everyone who says stay out of it. Let her plan her wedding and tell her that she can invite who she wants because you won’t be causing any drama.

Also it will ruin YOUR day if she turns up, nobody else’s, I promise you. I’m sure she’s a bitch etc etc but your ex is the one who cheated and you seem to be able to tolerate him for a day so you need to put a lid on your feelings for the sake of your daughter.

Yep I suspect so too

It depends, does your daughter not want her step mum there or does she not want her there as she knows it will upset you? It's fine for your daughter to just invite her dad if that is actually what she wants?

This.

Totally blaming the wrong person here

How will she ruin the day?

I had a small wedding but even then it was busy and my time was full. It was pretty easy to ignore the one guest I thought was a twat.

If your DD is worried about seating at a top table there are lots of options to get round it. She doesn't have to have a traditional lay out.

I am really sick of people who can't see that the OW has at least a 50% role in the destruction they cause. You do not get involved with married men, it's simple. If you do then you are equally to blame. Anybody who has been through this will know what a violent assault it is on your life, with effects that never leave you. People are also missing that this woman has been vile throughout the years. I wouldn't want her at my wedding either.

It's not OP's wedding.

Don’t put your daughter in the difficult position of having to choose between her parents. Her wedding isn’t about you, or your ex, or the OW. Let your daughter make her own choices and support her wholeheartedly if she wants her dad and his wife there.

@TheFormidableMrsC

The op is free to not invite her ex and his wife to her wedding.

It is however, unfair of her to potentially hack her daughter into a corner because she lacks the ability to put anyone else’s feelings above her own.

It’s not about her ex or his now wife’s shitty past behaviour. It could well become about her shitty present behaviour if she is not mindful though.

Brilliantly put. OP this day isn’t about you. It very much sounds like you’re projecting your bitterness onto your daughter. It’s not healthy for someone to be so bitter many years later.

I’d ask your daughter to think about the cost she might face not inviting her step-mother. What is the worst outcome for her…..Step-mum coming or Dad refusing to come because SM not invited?
This might help her reach a decision based on the possible outcomes.
But absolutely stress to her that you are perfectly happy for to invite both if she feels that is best, that you are and will be incredibly proud and honoured to be mother of the bride.

“absolutely hate her with every cell in my body”. This is really unhealthy for you and is probably putting your daughter in a difficult situation. She is probably wishing that you would stop causing difficulties with this.

An old school friend was in a very similar situation - her dad left her mum for the OW when her and her sister were very young. Over the following 20+ years, he stayed in this relationship but they never actually moved in together as they both had DC and (I believe) he had also been the OM so both ex's and the DC were pretty bitter. Over time, my friend did spend more time with this woman, but not as a rule on a day to day basis. They were never close.

When she got married however, her mother, like you, did not want her step mother at the wedding and said that if the step mother came, she would not. My friend's response was, I felt, remarkably mature in that she told her mother that she understood, but after all this time, she was not going to exclude the man her father had been with for 20+ years.

I don't blame you for hating this woman. But I do think that there comes a point at which you have to be the bigger person. Your DD can, and should, talk to her dad and in the ideal world, he would agree and just quietly find a reason for his new wife to be somewhere else (DH's stepmother discovered she HAD to visit her grandchildren to help her DD in another city the week we got married....). But if not, separate seatings and away you go.

Have you actually read the ops opening post, she hasn't said anywhere that she doesn't want the woman there, she said she had been vile in many ways over the years and that her daughter has no relationship with her apart from small talk. I should think based on this woman's behaviour the op should be able to make a good guess about dd dad being prevented from attending. Yes she has said she hates her but she's perfectly entitled to, this was the woman who her husband had been having an affair with and left her for, I'd be very surprised if she didn't dislike her intensely. No where has she said that she's telling her daughter what she wants either.
You're the one whose made assumptions and posted a spiteful comment.

my dh is your dd in his situation. The other man hasn't been invited to any weddings, however i now have to do multiple sets of children's bday parties/juggle things like christenings and sports matches to avoid drama. I would much prefer that they could be in the same room and politely ignore each other.

This. I couldn't agree more