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Original poster

Daughters wedding and vile step mother drama

176 replies

MrsPumplechook · 28/05/2024 09:47

My daughter is talking about getting married and we are thrilled. The issue is that her father left for me for the OW who has been vile in many ways for a number of years. My daughter has zero relationship with her father's wife, other than to say hello and make small talk with. Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.
The issue is, I'm pretty sure that this woman will not allow my ex to go to our daughter's wedding without her.
What do we do? My daughter would dearly love her dad to be there but everyone hates the wife and it would ruin the day for everyone if she turned up.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2024 08:03

Toomanysquishmallows · 29/05/2024 07:00

Hi , I can’t accept the idea that it’s misogyny why I despise the OW , . She and my ex both had an affair, but she was very proactive in causing my ex to stop seeing dd 1 . Dd1 has no contact with my ex , but I would struggle being in a room with two people who were so cruel to me .

Your ex made a choice.
He chose her over seeing his child.
That is his fault.

He was presented with a choice and he made it.

That is entirely on him.

You are blaming her for him deciding to do what she wanted but he's the one who decided that she mattered more to him than his child did.

He could have said absolutely not. I will not do that, my child means too much to me and if you don't like it then we are done.

She can demand all she wants but it's him that decided to say yes to her demands.

Toomanysquishmallows · 29/05/2024 08:24

@IncompleteSenten , that is true , but I still dislike her intensely.

Original poster
MrsPumplechook · 29/05/2024 08:34

I didn't realize that there would be so many responses, so thank you.

For more clarity, the OW gloated to our children about getting pregnant, 3 months into being with my ex. Comments such as 'you are just jealous that your dad will love the baby more than you'. She made jibes about parts of our bodies being 'deformed, ugly and from a circus freak'. She berated one of my children for being autistic and said they had no future.

The ex once said to me 'I'm trapped'. I told him to suck it up as he'd been part of the fuck up !

I think the main issue is that my kids know that their father isn't particularly happy (he's told them he's depressed and now drinks a lot) as he's tracked everywhere on his phone, isn't allowed to speak to other women and is only allowed to see our kids once a month for an hour.

OP posts:
Mostlycarbon · 29/05/2024 08:36

MrsPumplechook · 29/05/2024 08:34

I didn't realize that there would be so many responses, so thank you.

For more clarity, the OW gloated to our children about getting pregnant, 3 months into being with my ex. Comments such as 'you are just jealous that your dad will love the baby more than you'. She made jibes about parts of our bodies being 'deformed, ugly and from a circus freak'. She berated one of my children for being autistic and said they had no future.

The ex once said to me 'I'm trapped'. I told him to suck it up as he'd been part of the fuck up !

I think the main issue is that my kids know that their father isn't particularly happy (he's told them he's depressed and now drinks a lot) as he's tracked everywhere on his phone, isn't allowed to speak to other women and is only allowed to see our kids once a month for an hour.

their father isn't particularly happy (he's told them he's depressed and now drinks a lot) as he's tracked everywhere on his phone, isn't allowed to speak to other women and is only allowed to see our kids once a month for an hour.

If she has that much power over him, she's not going to let him attend the wedding without her. Either he's in an abusive relationship, or he's using her as an excuse not to bother seeing his kids.

NerrSnerr · 29/05/2024 08:49

The only thing you should do is tell your daughter that she can invite who she wants and you will support her and behave appropriately on the day. You need to fully support her on this.

NerrSnerr · 29/05/2024 08:51

I will also add I was the child in this situation and the anxiety leading up to the wedding was awful.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2024 09:33

He’s even got you feeling sorry for him 🙄

He’s an adult. He’s responsible for his choices. She didn’t make him cheat. She didn’t get herself pregnant. She can’t stop him seeing his kids. It’s astonishing you were ever attracted to such a weak man. She may be a monster but he’s the one who chose her.

At least you’re free of him now. Focus on that rather than wasting your life hating her.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/05/2024 09:39

MrsPumplechook · 29/05/2024 08:34

I didn't realize that there would be so many responses, so thank you.

For more clarity, the OW gloated to our children about getting pregnant, 3 months into being with my ex. Comments such as 'you are just jealous that your dad will love the baby more than you'. She made jibes about parts of our bodies being 'deformed, ugly and from a circus freak'. She berated one of my children for being autistic and said they had no future.

The ex once said to me 'I'm trapped'. I told him to suck it up as he'd been part of the fuck up !

I think the main issue is that my kids know that their father isn't particularly happy (he's told them he's depressed and now drinks a lot) as he's tracked everywhere on his phone, isn't allowed to speak to other women and is only allowed to see our kids once a month for an hour.

Ah she sounds delightful! If I didn't know better I'd say we had the same OW, right down to the abusive behaviour towards my autistic son and the tracking, including a camera in his car. All the people on here saying that everybody should just "suck up" her presence should ask themselves how they'd react to a person like this.

Of course it's down to your daughter but I get the impression she doesn't want her there either. I still think I'd invite dad and expect he won't be there. What a weak man he is! He's not bloody trapped, he could do something about this if he chose. I feel the same about my ex who abandoned our son at the say so of OW and hasn't seen him since. They are inadequate human beings and don't deserve the title of "Dad".

What does your daughter want to do OP?

Toomanysquishmallows · 29/05/2024 09:46

@TheFormidableMrsC , I think I have agreed with you before on similar threads ! If a friend or a relative behaved the way the OW in my case did , everyone would be saying cut them off ! She is someone that I couldn’t “ be the better person “ around .

RhubarbAndFlustered · 29/05/2024 09:58

If he insists she goes then that's fine. Daddy at the top table. Daddy's wife on the table at the back by the toilets with the racist drunk uncle and the godmother you haven't seen in years who bulldozed her way into an invite.

Chatonette · 29/05/2024 09:59

The best thing is to have an honest conversation with DD about HER special day. Ask what SHE genuinely wants to do, and tell her that you will 100% support her on the day. Emphasise that she doesn’t have to “pick sides” and that you will support whatever decision she makes.

CandiedPrincess · 29/05/2024 10:00

Needless to say, I would rather this woman didn't exist as she damaged my family so badly and I absolutely hate her with every cell in my body.

She didn't though, did she? Your ex husband damaged your family.

I think you're all adults and should be able to pull yourselves together for one day, for your daughters sake. You don't need to talk or even sit next to them but what is done is done.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/05/2024 10:01

Toomanysquishmallows · 29/05/2024 09:46

@TheFormidableMrsC , I think I have agreed with you before on similar threads ! If a friend or a relative behaved the way the OW in my case did , everyone would be saying cut them off ! She is someone that I couldn’t “ be the better person “ around .

Agreed yet you'll have many here saying you "just" need to suck it up and show her respect as the "wife".

No fuck off.

DullFanFiction · 29/05/2024 10:02

I can see why you say that the OW will not let your ex go to the wedding wo her.

My answer is that it’s still an issue for your dd to sort out. The wife doesn’t sound a nice person, might even fall into the abusive category, but whether she comes or not, should still be your dd decision.

Does your dd wants her dad to be there if it means his partner is there too?
Is she happy to gloss over the way she has treated her/her siblings? Knowing that his partner might well drop digs and comments on the day?

Or actually she doesn’t want to have her day spoiled by her and then the answer is her dad or no one?

Its worth remembering that her dad has some agency too.
The wife might stop him from seeing his dcs more often than once a month. But he doesn’t have to accept it.
She might say it’s either then together at the wedding or not all. But he doesn’t have to accept it.

It not your dd’s responsibility to always smooth things over again and again to sort out her dad’s life iyswim

MikeRafone · 29/05/2024 10:07

keep the wedding secret and the father gets to decide whether he comes or not

itsgettingweird · 29/05/2024 10:14

He's made his bed.

He left you and your 3 kids.

He can leave her.

He's choosing not to and making you all feel sorry for him.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 29/05/2024 10:20

MrsPumplechook · 29/05/2024 08:34

I didn't realize that there would be so many responses, so thank you.

For more clarity, the OW gloated to our children about getting pregnant, 3 months into being with my ex. Comments such as 'you are just jealous that your dad will love the baby more than you'. She made jibes about parts of our bodies being 'deformed, ugly and from a circus freak'. She berated one of my children for being autistic and said they had no future.

The ex once said to me 'I'm trapped'. I told him to suck it up as he'd been part of the fuck up !

I think the main issue is that my kids know that their father isn't particularly happy (he's told them he's depressed and now drinks a lot) as he's tracked everywhere on his phone, isn't allowed to speak to other women and is only allowed to see our kids once a month for an hour.

I don't see what any of that has to do with the hypothetical situation you posted about, regarding a wedding that's still at the 'talking about' stage.

Honestly, chill out, worry about things that actually happen, leave your daughter and her fiance (is he even her fiance yet?) work out who's coming.

YourPithyLilacSheep · 29/05/2024 10:40

NerrSnerr · 29/05/2024 08:49

The only thing you should do is tell your daughter that she can invite who she wants and you will support her and behave appropriately on the day. You need to fully support her on this.

But @MrsPumplechook you might want to reflect on your knowledge of your DD - which you have and we don’t - about whether she might welcome being “given permission “ not to invite her father’s wife.

Not in terms of your feelings about her, but just the simple statement that there are no obligations on her to invite anyone she doesn’t want at her wedding.

From your description of your DD’s father’s wife, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near her.

SemperIdem · 29/05/2024 11:44

Based on your update, I can easily see why your daughter might not want to invite her stepmother.

She sounds borderline deranged, particularly the things she has said to your children in the past.

I would however, encourage your daughter to make her own decision and not allow your feelings to come to the fore. Not because your feelings are wrong, simply because this must be her decision.

CandiedPrincess · 29/05/2024 11:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/05/2024 10:01

Agreed yet you'll have many here saying you "just" need to suck it up and show her respect as the "wife".

No fuck off.

Show quote history

Nah, it's not about showing her respect, it's about not making life difficult for your children. They come first, before your own feelings.

CannotWaitToBeFree · 29/05/2024 12:53

Everyone needs to put their differences aside for the sake of the people getting married, you included.

Feelsodrained · 29/05/2024 13:55

Is the half-sibling attending the wedding?

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 29/05/2024 17:50

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/05/2024 09:39

Ah she sounds delightful! If I didn't know better I'd say we had the same OW, right down to the abusive behaviour towards my autistic son and the tracking, including a camera in his car. All the people on here saying that everybody should just "suck up" her presence should ask themselves how they'd react to a person like this.

Of course it's down to your daughter but I get the impression she doesn't want her there either. I still think I'd invite dad and expect he won't be there. What a weak man he is! He's not bloody trapped, he could do something about this if he chose. I feel the same about my ex who abandoned our son at the say so of OW and hasn't seen him since. They are inadequate human beings and don't deserve the title of "Dad".

What does your daughter want to do OP?

Show quote history

I have got a person like this in my life and her presence is completely fine as I ignore and sometimes just nod my head, I do not feed the drama, that is what they want, why give it to them.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/05/2024 20:45

@TheSpoonyNavyReader I am in awe of your ability to do that. I don't have it I'm afraid. You are a better person than me. Fortunately I don't have to deal with the utterly vicious and sadistic OW any longer. She made sure our little boy didn't figure in their future so he no longer has a father. Father is more to blame obviously as that was his own flesh and blood.

I really hope that OP's daughter is able to have her Dad to her wedding without the piece of shit he ruined his family for. None of them should have to put up with a smug nasty cow ruining the day.

Toxicalevandherhusband · 30/05/2024 14:01

MILTOBE · 28/05/2024 10:03

I think it would be quite good fun having her there with everyone hating her!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣