He cancelled a date and is now angry I didn’t reply?

[Utopiana]

Been seeing this man for 2 months ish. We were meant to meet on Saturday at 7pm but I got a message (after I had spent two hours getting ready!!!) at 6 saying “hello, it’s one of my mates birthday tonight sorry I forgot, I will have to show up for a bit, but would be free around 11pm, idk how you feel about that”

I felt like he had a better offer (not the party) and just thought well okay. Went out with my friends instead. No intention of getting into an argument or discussion with the guy.

I have just got a message from him saying “you need to learnt to communicate better, you can’t just go silent when you don’t get what you want or what is offered is not good enough for you.”

ITS BEEN LESS THAN 2 days.

Was I wrong not to reply to his text? I think any rational person knows someone’s not going to meet them for a meal at 11?

To those who said she shouldn't reply ...

Have you ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment?

A behaviour that quite rightly gets criticism here when it's men doing it to women. Sulking, not communicating, you're walking on eggshells etc etc.

The word 'no' (as we know) is a complete sentence. Men need to hear it, not silence.

Op did the right thing. Being ignored is a response.

Totally agree. If his last minute cancellation had been hugely apologetic, offering to make it up to her and seemingly genuinely contrite, then yes I’d say maybe she should have replied.

But to send a generic basic text offering nothing more than a late night shag as a piss poor substitute for a date night - fuck that she owes him no words.

And his next message shows he’s a complete dickhead and proves her right.

Honestly had she rolled over on
this then the precedent has been set and he’ll think she’s a pushover. This time next year we’d probably have seen threads wondering why he takes her for granted and treats her like an option.

My mum told me at a young age you set your bar right from the start. If he’s messing about this early then in the bin.

@CandyLeBonBon and @commonsense61 . I think it is all about being assertive. In my opinion he was rude but he left a proposal/ question in the air, and she did not reply, leaving the conversation in the air. If OP would reply, hi, 11 is not a good hour for me, enjoy the birthday. He wouldn't come back with the big lecture. The outcome would be the same. "Do as you please you twat". Because he is very inconsiderate and entitled.
But OP would achieve the end of that conversation satisfactorily.

Someone being rude to you doesn't mean that you can be rude back, that is playing his game.

About blocking, for me is just a last option. He came back with the big talk and I would reply something like: I think exactly the same about you and because this is going nowhere I rather to leave it here. Don't contact me again, best regards.
Something in those lines close completely the communication and if he doesn't get it, well you always can block and ignore as last resource.
The outcome is the same for OP, and she did well getting rid of him, I have not doubt about it. But I always think that ignore/block as a first resource is rude.
In any case OP owns nothing to him so she did OK anyway.

Sounds like I'll go for a piss up with my mates and come round for a shag afterwards.
I'd tell him to piss off and don't bother in future I'll find someone more considerate

If you behave the way he did, you deserve the silent treatment. He didn't even give her the courtesy of a phone call.

I believe in treating like with like. Treat someone with a lack of consideration, get it back. If you do otherwise, you're setting yourself up for an unequal dynamic.

Also, I speak from bitter experience. Not theory.

where does this drive to educate inconsiderate and rude men come from? whatever she would have replied, anything but compliance would have met with the same response from him - a bloody lecture on how she should change her behaviour

I think she should keep ignoring him, he will get the message eventually

"There’s a stat on dating apps which claims most men can’t get dates and I don’t know how accurate it is, but I wonder if they take into account the amount of men who sabotage things for themselves eg:

• cancelling last minute due to poor planning
• saying they will organise a date but then not bothering and wondering why the woman has stopped replying
• trying to sext in the first few messages
• asking for “more pictures”
• giving monosyllabic answers and not asking questions. "

Nobody with even one GCSE would likely behave in that manner . I am talking more about University graduates who make up half the population ... and articulate and intelligent people who have been raised in an progressive culture since the 1990s - The " dating scene " is said to be hopelessly disadvantageous towards men nowadays due to the 10 men to 1 woman ratio and that women simply don't need them
The fact is that it can be extremely hard for men to get anywhere in this digital age , and many will never get a partner .

Not sure this is relevant but : for human history as a whole, 80% of women reproduced & 40% of men.
the source for this comes from the book "Is there anything good about men" by Roy Baumister which references:
[Genetic Evidence for Unequal Effective Population Sizes of Human Females and Males](https://academic.oup.com/mbe/article/21/11/2047/1147770)

This is not to support Andrew Tate or incelism which is clearly appalling and toxic / evil

It would be nice to live in a world where supposedly intelligent and well-educated men didn't feel a need to send explicit messages, demand attention and entertainment, or expect to get away with treating people with disrespect. But, we don't.

We live in a world where "yay, look at my bits, aren't they just the best?" is not just the behaviour of overly excited toddlers but is instead considered by a not-insignificant number of adult men to be prime seduction behaviour. (Spoiler: unless it lights up or can play the national anthem, it's probably not that novel or exciting to anyone else).

We live in a world where some adult men think they're doing women a favour by expecting them to stay home and wait up for a late-night booty call. Good for OP, for not standing for that and respecting herself.

Nobody with even one GCSE would likely behave in that manner . I am talking more about University graduates who make up half the population ... and articulate and intelligent people who have been raised in an progressive culture since the 1990s

Ha ha - spoken as someone who’s never been a single woman trying to date.

Seemingly intelligent highly educated men with good careers in respected industries do all of those things and more.

Newsflash - degree educated senior mangers send unsolicited dick pics too

@blueandsad
I think it's worth noting that ultimately humans are just animals, and like all other animals, there is competition to mate. This means that not every man (like every other male animal) will find a female that will allow him to mate. On top of that there are a lot of women who have either given up dating due to being treated awfully, or through bitter experience have had to become very fussy, it possibly does make it harder for men.

I'm in the first category. I've given up dating as 1) I'm middle aged so virtually invisible to men my age if I were to put a profile online (and I'm not interested in 20 somethings who have a thing for "older women", 2) I'm scared of getting involved with a man as in my experience some can turn very nasty if rejected, 3) I'm not after alphas, but FFS I have some standards. I dated lots of "betas" in my youth and got treated like shit, so now I will not put up with poor behaviour eg sexting, those after booty calls, dishonesty, unreliability, flakiness. I've given so many chances with different men, yet all that's done is lower their respect for me and made things worse.

So, sorry many men don't have it easy on the dating scene, but much of it is caused by their behaviour.

Cheeky cunt, saying you need to communicate better when he cancelled at such short notice by text, please block this prick.

Yes there is something in particular about this thread which is slightly alarming. It's like some people think she needs permission to not reply.

I think I probably would have replied but wished I hadn't just because sometimes I can't resist. It would have been something like "i don't like that." and then no more.

I genuinely think it's sad that women think this man deserves a response.

Where does it end?

I've had disgusting rude messages sent to me before that I've ignored. Do I need to politely answer randomers wondering what my bra size is or if I like anal sex?

If a friend cancelled on me with little notice and no good reason I'd wonder why they were treating me like that.

The fact that there are 10 men to every 1 woman on a dqting app yet for every 1 straight woman in a monogamous relationship, there should be 1 straight man not on a dating app tells you everything.

I agree this shows why there are lots of women backed into unhappy relationships with selfish men.

Why did this man deserve a polite reply? His message was not ok. People make mistakes but someone genuine would have shown contrition and tried to put it right in the first instance. And what was she supposed to say? A face saving lie for him 'no problem, have fun!' when she had, to his knowledge, wasted an evening (her friends may have made plans further afield). Something else that could be taken as admonishing, even as simple as 'no thanks', judging by his further response. Something rude would have provoked anger. A thumbs up said what, 'yes come over'? Not as clear as no response.

Honestly, what was to be gained by responding other than following 'good manners' protocol which he had not?

It isn't the 'what', it's the 'how' you say things that os important when you're in the wrong and his initial message was a shit show.

I’d respond saying that cancelling a date an hour before is very poor communication… and expecting to meet up at 11 so he can get his cake and eat it is extremely poor manners!!
then block him!

And sorry but he’s have known it was his mates birthday longer than an hour before!! Very poor communication in his part!
what did he expect exactly from you??
I’d probably have responded though… but with a “no thabks”

Sorry lots of typos!

I'd ghost him.
Alarm bells would be ringing for me.
Delete and block.

If you read the online dating thread on here or many other threads you’ll see this is how a variety of men behave across various age demographics (anecdotally 50+ men seem a bit worse perhaps) and various socio-economic status/educational backgrounds. It’s definitely not about whether they have a degree or not.

The fact is that it can be extremely hard for men to get anywhere in this digital age , and many will never get a partner

And, I and many others are saying there are a myriad of reasons why these men are struggling to get dates /find women in many cases they’re just not doing the work of improvement but getting angry they aren’t getting the women they want.

Women are also finding it hard because so many men are refusing to change and improve. That’s why so many are choosing to be single nowadays and I don’t blame them.

Women are outpacing them in so many areas - health, work, friendships etc and instead of feeling challenged to do better they are kicking their feet in the dust and repeating stuff from Andrew Tate etc

If the point you’re making is a lot of them are cheats yep, research has shown SO many are in relationships /married and they’re still angry they can’t get dates on a dating app. It’s ridiculous - they shouldn’t even be on there to begin with.

There was an article in the papers a while back, it said something like married men over a certain age are the most busy group so they become lonely and cheat. I wish I could remember the exact headline, I’ll try and find it but it was wild. It was almost putting a sympathetic spin on men who can’t keep it in their pants.

ETA: I’ve now found the headline and it’s worse than I thought. I know this is different from apps but let’s face it there is a link because some men try and use dating apps as free sex work websites : https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7634191/amp/White-married-men-high-status-likely-pay-sex-according-report.html

OMG he's having a laugh isn't he? He says he needs to "show up for a bit", but then allows himself four hours. And as for you going quiet because you didn't get your own way, he is putting the blame on you, when in fact it was HIM who let YOU down. You deserve a massive apology and a promise that he won't do it again, otherwise DUMP HIM!

Men are definitely from Mars!