SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

And what do you actually know about my attitude to the point you feel I need challenging.

I'm a bit jealous actually! 😆😆. I would have loved to have not had to go out to work again and to have stayed as a full time housewife. I worked very hard every day whilst I was at home but went back to work again so that we could have holidays, buy clothes etc. The thought of being able to stay at home and having £1,000 every month to spend on myself is beyond my wildest dreams.

If it makes you feel better to frame it as people being jealous, that's your prerogative. You'd be wrong, but I can see why it would be easier to convince yourself that people are jealous rather than accepting what people are actually saying. It makes no difference to anyone else.

And this is an open forum with people from all walks of life on it. Threads pop up on "Active Threads" and anyone is free to comment. That is how Internet forums work. If you want a conversation in an echo chamber with people who are very similar in their outlook, it's probably best to do this offline.

The fact that you make ridiculous comments about the whole army of staff that the OP's DH would need to hire if she went back to work. That says quite a lot about you, whether you realise it or not.

If it suits you both, then good for you.

But if he wants to reduce your allowance because of a drop in income - that's not unreasonable - surely when he has to tighten his belt, you do too?

Or is the only thing he's cutting back on your allowance?

Do you have an overview of the finances - see what's coming in, going out, know your joint financial position in detail - or do you leave that all to him?

Do you do hobbies too? I guess you have plenty of time since you have one 16 yr old at home so not exactly lots of child care.

Do you and your DH do anything together?

It does come over as if you're basically a paid house keeper.

When someone is asking for advice that is drawn from shared life experiences it seems weird to me that anyone else would decide to add their unsolicited, irrelevant and often nasty opinions. So yes, I will stick with the jealousy theory, because I can't imagine why anyone would be bothered enough to comment in such negative ways on a subject that doesn't apply to them. Scroll on by.

Do you know the square footage of her house? The size of her garden? What she and her husband like to eat? Do you know how many bathrooms she has? Whether there are any animals to attend?

No, you don't. So you can't assume hiring help wouldn't be required if she wasn't at home doing those jobs.

That's fine. Like I say, stick to that theory if it makes you feel better. And stick to your belief that your husband would need to hire an army of servants to replace you if you went back to work, if that makes you feel good about what you do. Whatever it takes to get you through.

If I had not prepared the food or house he could not complete his hobbies.

Ok, I'm reporting and out now, it's clear this is a wind up!

Considering the size of my house and the extensive grounds, needing to hire staff if I was in employment is not a belief, it is a fact. I just about get by without a cleaner because I refuse to pay someone when I am home, but I could do with one really.

She lives in a six bedroom house in Harrow. She can't have that many bathrooms that 3 adults can't manage to clean them.

Yes, they might decide it's easier to get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week. Maybe even a gardener if they have a particularly large garden. Perhaps they would need a dog sitter if they have a dog that can't be left, but that would depend on whether either of them could work from home etc. But needing a chef? Sorry, but that's just taking the piss. People who work can cook for themselves, unless disability makes this impossible.

How is that a wind up? If they both worked FT during the week and shared the housework all weekend, it would leave little time for anything else.

@AndStilliRise I hate when people start asking questions implying you have been lazing around while your poor husband was bringing all the income alone.

If you were getting divorced your SAHM contribution would be considered, by law, as of equal value of his financial contribution. You have freed his hands for him to focus more on making money.

Sure, a lot of wives of affluent men also work, but that was not the agreement you both have had over the last 21+ years. This agreement makes you more vulnerable and that would be considered by courts but thank goodness you are not there…. Yet. But just in case it may help future decisions, if it helps coming from someone who has been there:

You are very right that you are, after such a long gap, only able to work in unskilled jobs, which is something affluent men don’t want to see their wives doing even if they keep pressing you to go back to work, and many times they don’t get to grasp that there is a huge competition for jobs they consider simple or a possibility for the simple reason that you may be overqualified for junior roles and, lacking recent experience, you won’t have the skills for more senior roles.

My advice would be to use the time before your child moves away to retrain. Make an appt with the National Careers Service to help you decide what is your best route back into work, they can also suggest training or studies to update your skills.

Studying or working will keep you busy, give you some fulfillment and also keep your husband interested as you will be bringing more to the table, in terms of conversations, when you are routinely busy doing something aside of being mum.

I remember my group of mums from private school asking what was what ended our marriage. I said that when we married we were equals, by the time of the split he would come and tell me all these wonderful stories of travelling around the world for work, meeting all these interesting people who had wrote that book or launched that famous product, and what could I say at that time? That the guy who picked up the laundry was having an affair? That I taught the puppy how to sit with a biscuit? That the garden needed doing?

Go back to work as soon as you can, not only because of the allowance but because you don’t want to end up like so many couples who find they have nothing else in common anymore once the children leave.

And also, bear in mind that you are in a more vulnerable position than most if you divorce, as it incredibly easy for a person who owns their own company to “reduce” their income by paying themselves in kind and hide assets by listing them as belonging to the company. You can say that he will never do something like that, but that’s what we, most of us divorced women thought at some point as well and then… we were wrong. 🤷‍♀️

Well, that's lovely for you but we have no real way of knowing whether you're living in a stately home or if you're just workshy.

Given that you're living in such a grand place, this perhaps helps to explain why you're so out of touch with ordinary people, most of whom manage quite well without staff. However, for the sake of clarity, the OP is living in a 6-bedroom house in Harrow...not palace. Most couples could manage that level of property between them easily enough, with or without a few hours of cleaning thrown in.

So we are agreed help could be required. That is quite a backtrack. Not everyone likes to throw a meal together when they get in from work. Some meals take lots of preparation. If gave my husband chicken nuggets for dinner he would be revolted and that is what he'd be getting if I'd been working away from home all day.

Nice little dig about chicken nuggets but you've totally missed the mark, there, I'm afraid. It's perfectly possible to eat nutritious and delicious food, cooked from scratch, with both partners working full time. We've been doing it for years.

And I'm not really backtracking about the OP needing hired help at all - I was just responding to your hypothetical scenarios. Based on what she has actually said, she hasn't made any mention of gardening or pet care, she said she just does cleaning, cooking and laundry. Given that she appears to live in a fairly ordinary house, perhaps slightly larger than average but not massively so, it should be perfectly possible for her and her DH to manage the domestic stuff between them quite easily, with her DS sorting out his room/bathroom if he has one. They might choose to get a cleaner in for a couple of hours each week, but it really doesn't sound like they would need to.

It's ridiculous to frame the OP's situation as if she was living in a grand stately home when she hasn't said anything at all to indicate this!

And you could be a monkey's uncle for all anyone knows, that's a moot point. I'm not sad enough to fabricate a whole story to strangers online, what I am doing is pointing out that keeping on top of large properties, thereby ensuring there is free time for everyone at the weekend can be a FT job in itself.
I am well aware that the vast majority of people manage without staff, like I just said I am one of them. I am not out of touch, I grew up on a council estate.

Again, just saying a 6 bedroom house means nothing in terms of size. Maybe her DH doesn't want to 'manage' doing the housework at the weekend, evidently not from his circuit route.

I agree the OP has had lots of sour grapes from jealous people on the thread which has meant many responses are totally irrelevant and unsupportive.

No, maybe he doesn't want to manage doing the housework at the weekends. But hiring a cleaner because you can't be arsed is not the same as needing to hire one because you have no other choice.

The reality is, very few people live in houses that are so large that the family couldn't keep on top of them themselves. Those that do will mostly already have cleaners, a)because they're obviously rich enough to afford this without a second thought, and b) because one SAHP probably wouldn't be able to manage it single handedly in any case.

I guess it's possible that some rich housewives literally spend all day, every day cleaning their grand mansions because they and/or their partners are too tight to pay for a cleaner, or because they have overstretched themselves to buy a property that they can't really afford, but I don't suppose that there are that many very rich women living like slaves in their own homes. In most cases, where the workload is manageable for one SAHP, it could be split between two working partners if they choose to do so. And of course, if they didn't want to, a second wage would more than cover the cost of a few hours' cleaning.

The reality is, not many people will support someone who refuses to work but expects a generous monthly handout regardless. People are just being honest in telling the OP that it isn't reasonable to expect this if her husband no longer wants to fund it.

What exactly are posters suppose to be supporting OP with? Her kids are almost adults people are aghast at her entitlement.

that the family couldn't keep on top of them themselves.
You're missing the point on this numerous times now. If a person can accommodate having a housewife/househusband so that person doesn't have to chip in with the domestic chores then why shouldn't they.

Yikes. The reason I don't pay for a cleaner is because I think it would be incredibly lazy to hire someone to do something I can do, just so I can put my feet up. I also have very high standards and don't like the idea of someone pottering around my house. More to do with my pride than being tight or hard up. The funniest part is, if I admitted to hiring a cleaner so I could have frivolous days all day everyday I'd get absolutely annihilated on here.

Unfortunately there are a large group of working women (particularly on here) who feel they have the right to mock, criticise and above all tell SAHW that we NEED to get into employment. You won't ever see SAHW telling working women they NEED to become a housewife.
It is very one sided, this thread is just further proof of that and then you wonder why we call such comments jealous.

Actually, you are the one that's missing the point.

I have absolutely no issue with anyone being a housewife or SAHP if that's what they want to do, as long as they don't expect the state to fund it and their spouse/partner is happy with that arrangement. I've already made that clear.

I don't care if you or anyone else gets a job. Your life wouldn't be for me, but that doesn't matter because it's your life, not mine.

Where I take issue is with women (and it usually is women, but I would feel the same about men if the roles were reversed) believe that they should be entitled to remain as SAHPs or housewives, even once their children are in school or fully grown, when their partners no longer wish to support this arrangement.

In this case, the OP's husband has made it clear that he doesn't want to carry on giving the OP an allowance when their kids have left home and he has repeatedly suggested that she should get a job. This is a clear indication that he is no longer happy with the arrangement, so it is not reasonable to expect it to continue exactly as it is.

The default position is that both partners have equal responsibility for paying the bills, managing the home, cooking the meals etc. It's absolutely fine for them to choose to split it in whatever way they wish, but if it isn't a 50/50 split on everything, then the consent of both parties is required. This is just badic common sense.

Where I take issue is with women (and it usually is women, but I would feel the same about men if the roles were reversed) believe that they should be entitled to remain as SAHPs or housewives, even once their children are in school or fully grown, when their partners no longer wish to support this arrangement.

Herein lies the conundrum. Is it acceptable or fair for her DH to have benefitted from her years at home, i.e not had to do housework or cook, had the weekends to do with as he pleases, to then turn around and say right you need to get a job now. OP has said she would effectively be on minimum wage, so why would she do this if:
A. They can afford for her not to be working
B. Is he prepared to take on half of the housework?

I agree that the allowance being dropped is not an unacceptable idea, I mentioned that in my first comment. OP has access to a credit card too.

Unless some unforeseen extreme circumstances left us struggling, I'd think my husband had lost the plot if he suggested I get a job, especially after all that time in the case of OP.