SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

Financial abuse isn't being given £1k + credit cards, and all food and lodgings paid for

This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Why?

I get spends of about £1500 a month, a credit card for fuel, one for food shopping, plus I have a rental income that I save.

DH pays mortgage and buys my car.

OP is worried that she won’t have an allowance going forwards, so she could end up with just food and lodging, which could certainly constitute financial abuse. It’s not really clear from her posts but any set up where one partner has complete control of all the money, bank accounts etc and does not allow the other access could well be abusive.

This is such a depressing thread. Absolutely no appreciation from a number of posters of how vulnerable women can be when they don’t have their own money.

If the OP is worried about having no money, she could always get a job.

That’s not what she said, she said he’s reduce her allowance, not remove it and still give her a credit card. At least read the ops posts.

I'm a SAHM, and I just wouldn't accept any scenario other than total transparency and total free access to all money. Luckily it never even came up as a question with my husband, it just naturally became that way - in fact I started viewing his money as mine before we married or had children actually

Just too add, I welcome all the replies.

We are not footballer level rich or anything. We don't drive Porsches or Ferraris.

We do have a 6 bed detached house in harrow on the hill, London. Eat out, twice a week and 3 holidays a year.

We dont waste money, i.e. we dont have a sky package or buy expensive coffees when we go out.

The household cash has been reduced has we have had a number of concurrent, expensive projects including a house renovation and school fees.

Husband wants to slow down. He is 50, I am 53. And feels he wants to (semi) retire now that the kids are gown up which in turn means less income.

He has always suggested I take a job. However the only kind of job I would be able to get would be simple admin or superstore work.

Just a reduction of monthly cash. Credit card remains. I am not expected to pay for shopping or bills from the allowance.

She says “reduce or remove”, first post of the thread. Maybe take your own advice.

He has always suggested I take a job. However the only kind of job I would be able to get would be simple admin or superstore work

Why? Earlier you said you used to be a teacher. What is stopping you from doing whatever courses are needed to update your credentials? You could at least do supply teaching if you don't want a full time job.

DH allows me to spend whatever is necessary. He is fine with me being a SAHM. Talk to your DH and discuss what you plan to do next.

I study part time so I am already planning future goals.

Been a SAHM for 17 years now.

He has always suggested I take a job. However the only kind of job I would be able to get would be simple admin or superstore work.

So? Do it then. Or you think those jobs are beneath you?

' However the only kind of job I would be able to get would be simple admin or superstore work. '

You are a qualified teacher !!!

you could do a refresher course etc. to get up to date,

then you could work part time in a private school - you live in the right area for that

or you could tutor and be self employed.

yet again you live in the right area for that - as there are always children needing tutoring for the 11+ and entry to the various independent schools !

Tho 25 hours or so in a supermarket would see you get the £1000 a month allowance / pay...

and you are exactly the right age for part time work in a supermarket - try M&S or Waitrose.

He has always suggested I take a job. However the only kind of job I would be able to get would be simple admin or superstore work.

Why? You are a qualified teacher and there is a huge teaching recruitment crisis.

I was a sahm for a few years. All Dh’s earnings went into a joint bank account. We both had full access to the account.

even now with both of us working, we share our money with one another.

🥱

Really, if they are not claiming off the state what business is it of anyone else's??

If OP wants to SAHM/be a housewife what of it?

A bit beside the point, but what do people consider well off these days? I mainly look after the children. Work a few hours (so I have money to put into a pension). I need to get a job that pays NI when the children are older as government will stop paying. We go on one holiday a year. I think we're lucky to be able to do that and pay school fees. We do not eat out twice a week(!) What's the point of saving on a few coffees when you go on holiday 3 times a year!? Why not stick to once a year and you could have more spending money each month?

You have made yourself beholden to another adult, and rely on him to ' keep' you. If he wants to cut your allowance then you have to suck it up or get a job. What have you been doing with £1000 a month if you haven't been frittered it away on coffee? No savings, no investments, no courses? You've spent £1000 a month on yourself every month.

If you want income, then why not get a job like most people do? I'm not sure why you think your husband should pay you indefinitely for doing very little?

You do cooking, cleaning and laundry. That's not much at all really, and just part of being an adult. Yes, you do his share of all that as well, but he is already putting a roof over your head and food on the table etc, so I'm not sure why you think you deserve personal spending money on top?

The reality is, given the ages of your children, you probably haven't contributed fairly to the household for many years, but he has obviously put up with it while encouraging you to get a job. You haven't shown any interest in that to date, so he is now telling you that he isn't prepared to subsidise your current lifestyle forever. And as long as he is realistic about your employment prospects after having been out of the workplace for many years, and is willing to do his fair share of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, then he is being perfectly reasonable.

To be fair if someone was paying all my expenses, giving me a credit card, and a grand a month disposable, I’d not be rushing to get a job either. Not sure I’d be quite so grabby if it was my husband though.

Well, it's absolutely fine if her husband is happy to fund that lifestyle. Untenable if he is not.

OP don't feel obliged to answer any of these invasive and frankly rude questions. Why women who are not SAHW are even commenting on this thread in the first place just proves the absolute disdain and outright jealousy that is targeted at SAHMs and housewives.

If he wants you to take a job he needs to be prepared to pay for a cleaner, cook and gardener. That would end up costing him more than you could earn. My DH understands and appreciates this thankfully.

It definitely isn't jealousy! I would find it intolerable to be a housewife with grown up children personally, and definitely wouldn't want this for myself. I'm commenting more from a place of incredulity and pity for the OP's spouse.

Incredulous that anyone would actually think that they are entitled to have their lifestyles funded in such a way, and pity for the spouse who is stuck with someone who feels that she shouldn't have to pull her weight.

Nonsense. They could both share this work equally between them while both working full time. Like most capable adults do.