SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

Why wouldn't he be cooking you nuggets?

Genuine question - why wouldn't you split the cooking? Both me and DH work and he cooks my food every evening.

Is it acceptable or fair for her DH to have benefitted from her years at home, i.e not had to do housework or cook, had the weekends to do with as he pleases, to then turn around and say right you need to get a job now.

Honestly, yes, I think it is fair and acceptable for him to say that. Unless he was actively pushing her to be a SAHP and she only ever agreed to that arrangement on condition that she would never need to do paid work again, then I think it's fine to say that the arrangement isn't working for him any more and that she needs to get a job. Likewise, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for a SAHP to say at any point that the arrangement isn't working any more for them, and to insist that the WOHP should share the domestic load equally so that the SAHP can return to work if they so choose.

And yes, the husband may well have benefited lots from not having to do any housework, cooking etc and having had his weekends free, but equally, the OP has benefited loads from having all of her financial needs taken care of without having had to think about paid work. So they have each benefited previously, but as soon as one partner feels that the arrangement is no longer working, something needs to change.

Husband wants to slow down. He is 50, I am 53. And feels he wants to (semi) retire now that the kids are gown up which in turn means less income.

I think if he wants to slow down as the main earner, it's perfectly valid to want to reduce the allowance - after all, OP's commitments with the children have also reduced, so they're both doing less.

He shouldn't have to keep working at the same rate to maintain their lifestyle indefinitely.

Maybe they could downsize if she thinks it's unfair for her to be managing the current house but not get the same allowance.

Have mnhq been invoiced for OP's contribution to the site yet?

Why are you insisting that a parent who is at home is doing nothing?

A bit presumptuous?

Exactly. In my house dh cooks far more often than me!

And like most capable adults they can work it out between them if they want both parties at home, in an office, one of each and so on.

Why do some people presume the right to tell the op how she and him and should function as a couple.

it beggars belief.

I worked 50 hours last week and do the majority of household tasks. Where do you find men like this? I'd take that in a second 🤣

Right - but this couple have managed it their way!

Now they need/want to tweak it.

OP you seem to live in a privileged bubble which is very different to the life most people are experiencing.
Your husband wishes to semi retire therefore household expenditure needs to reduce, including your allowance. If you want to continue to have £1000 per month to play with, I suggest you get a job like the majority of other people do. You really are coming across as entitled and out of touch.

What beggars belief is your lack of reading comprehension.

I have repeatedly said that I don't care how couples choose to organise the work between them, as long as they are both happy with the split. It's none of my business.

The comments that you're quoting here were quite clearly not about telling the OP and her DH how they should function as a couple, but rather a response to the ridiculous suggestion from a pp that, if the dh wanted the OP to get a job, he would need to employ a cleaner, a gardener and a chef to compensate.

Well, yes, obviously. If you'd read the thread, you'd know that I have no issue with that, so what's your point, exactly?

And as a TA you'll earn around that 1k you are used to. I would love to hear your views on how much you feel you deserve that money for normal day to day tasks vs. the same money for working as a TA.

Lol, he's given you a cushy lifestyle, but it's not all been rosy as he's not bothered if you divorce. Well, that's an option, if you'd rather have half the family wealth up front do do with as you please.
That's the problem with an old fashioned set up, like many prior generations, couples with totally separate roles, and no hobbies in common, end up growing so far apart that they cease to care less about each other.
You see, there's enough money for the cleaning, washing and cooking to be done by hired help, so he will probably do that, I'm sure he'll cope on his own. Then he never has to do housework, and you never need to be employed, everyone is happy. So yes, divorce could be the way forward 😊

Why don't you split the cooking in your house then? Rather ironic.

So they have each benefited previously, but as soon as one partner feels that the arrangement is no longer working, something needs to change.

Absolutely but going from £1k allowance and free reign on a credit card to go get a job is a bit drastic. The understanding with my DH is he can afford for me not to work so I don't, there is no expectation for me to return to work, so if he decided to renege on that in 20 years time, I think it would be horribly unfair.

We can't know the arrangements OP had in place but it seems very very odd to expect her to go out and find a job at 53, why didn't he expect her to get a job whilst the kids were at school? Why is he ok for her to still have full access to the credit card but wants her to work. A lot of this doesn't make sense to me.

He hasn’t said he wants her to work. O/p says the household income is down and now she’s worried he will reduce or cut her 1k allowance, which she thinks is unreasonable as everything she does round the house deserves that amount.

I imagine it’s simply her dh is in his 50’s, has worked supporting her and the kids his adult life, and is now thinking about cutting back/retirement.

mn is saying he’s entitled to do that, and if o/p isn’t happy with the household income any more she can earn her own money rather than expect him to keep working and not have the same lifestyle she has been enjoying.

tbf how they were going to manage retirement and finances should have been discussed. But o/p doesn’t seem big on asking her dh about money.

What? You think it’s a lifetime commitment that irrelevant of circumstances you should never have to do a days work in your life?

If you have an explicit agreement with your DH that you should never need to work again, then I can see why you think it would be unreasonable for him to suddenly move the goalposts. I would certainly discourage anyone that I cared about from ever entering into that kind of indefinite agreement, because life has a habit of sending us curveballs, but if that's your "contract", then fair enough.

As for the OP, we don't know how long her DH has been "suggesting" that she gets a job but... she said that he "always" suggests it, which implies that it isn't a new idea, so it's possible that he has been encouraging a return to the workplace for quite some time. She makes no mention of a preexisting agreement that he will fund her personal spending forever, or of any explicit promise that she would never have to work again. Given that few people would be silly enough to enter into such cast iron agreements in the early stages of a marriage when they can't possibly know what the future might hold, I think it's fair enough to assume that there probably wasn't a clear contract to this effect.

Regardless, the husband doesn't even seem to be insisting on her getting a job at the moment, and he isn't saying that he will stop paying the bills or similar either. All he is saying is that he wants to slow down a bit now, so household income may reduce and the OP's fun money may stop. So she has a choice - either she can continue to be a housewife and do without the discretionary spending that she has previously enjoyed, or she can go out and earn that money for herself.

What's his cycling route got to do with anything?! 😂He's the sole earner in the household and works full time so why isn't he allowed to do a hobby on a weekend?! If you had small kids at home I'd understand but you literally have one 16 yo living with you (despite claiming to be a SAHM 🙄) and given that you've done the cleaning etc all week whilst he's been working to pay for your lifestyle, surely he's allowed time to do what he wants?!

Also, "we don't waste money" and "we eat out twice a week" don't belong in the same sentence...

I don't understand the way you have worded your question.

TBH I think a few more details from OP are required before any of us can make judgements on their situation.

Hi,

I'm at a SAHM although my children are much younger. To be honest it sounds like you're seeing the money more as a business transaction rather than as a team effort. My husband works, we have a joint account and I spend what I want/need to spend (within reason) from that. My husband wouldn't dream of giving me an allowance it's our money regardless of who earnt it. We are on the same page though and have the same morals and values when it comes to money.

Yes, you are supporting your husband to work by doing the childcare and housework, life admin, but I don't think it's unfair he wants to now not work quite as much. It's a discussion you should be having together and how it will effect your lives, what you are both happy with.

Will I go back to work when my kids are older, I'm not sure. But if/when my husband wanted to semi retire we'd sit down and look at finances together at what we could afford, because we're a team, what's good for one is good for both of us.

He has always suggested I take a job. However the only kind of job I would be able to get would be simple admin or superstore work.

Did you ever come back, @AndStilliRise and explain why you would only be able to get a ‘simple admin’ or superstore role when you are a graduate/qualified teacher?

Why not teach for 3 days a week, earn £1600 ish of your own and build up your pension?

We can't know the arrangements OP had in place but it seems very very odd to expect her to go out and find a job at 53, why didn't he expect her to get a job whilst the kids were at school? Why is he ok for her to still have full access to the credit card but wants her to work. A lot of this doesn't make sense to me.
Sounds a bit to me that he's planning on buggering off when the youngest leaves home and wants her to be earning so he doesn't have to pay her as much as he has been. The 'no pension' and lack of transparency about his income sounds dodgy. How many uber wealthy people don't know anything about finances, really? Sounds like they are pretty much strangers as it is.