SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

A cleaner costs about 30,quid a week.,I’m sure he can knock up a Meal,and doesn’t need a personal chef.m😂

This has stunned me. Are you seriously saying your husband would need to hire a personal chef if you weren’t doing it on the cheap for him?

Or they could both just do those things around working?

The things I read on here . Why on earth would he need to pay for those services. Why could he and op not do them between them?
DH and I both have senior, stressful jobs and manage to do these chores ourselves without any outside help.

OP only wants £1000;' fun money'. You could do that with a bit of part time tutoring. And still have time to run a hoover around, cook a meal and put a load of washing on. Or get the husband and 16 year old to do their own washing and cook a meal. It does not take 7 hours a day, 7 days a week to do cooking, cleaning and housework in a household of 3 adults. But that doesn't matter. All that matters is that her husband wants to semi retire, he has asked her several times to get a job, and now has decided he doesnt want to give her an allowance to apparently fritter away £1000 a month.

Why would anyone be jealous of someone without their own income and independence?

Why don't you want to work? Must be boring doing nothing all day. You don't even seem to cook if you eat out twice a week. 🤷‍♀️

But does he want to? Often higher earners are working long hours and don't fancy spending the weekend doing housework when they have spent the whole week working. Where is the down time in this? With larger houses comes a lot more cleaning, maintenance and gardening. It's not something that can be done in a few hours.

Why would i be jealous of someone who doesn't earn their own money or have their own independence?

Excuse me people who work on 'lower' wages don't fancy doing the housework all weekend either but don't have a choice. We got to get on with it.

To all the 'I am not jealous' comments. Why are you commenting on this thread then?

Exactly, so don't begrudge people who do have a choice!

She would be fucked if her husband dropped dead tomorrow with no source of income or money of her own.

I would hate to be financially dependent on someone else. Nobody knows what is around the corner.

Why women who are not SAHW are even commenting on this thread in the first place just proves the absolute disdain and outright jealousy that is targeted at SAHMs and housewives.

Anyone is free to comment. I think a lot of us are baffled by the strange set-up and lack of communication.

Jealousy doesn’t come in to it. There’s literally nothing to be jealous of.

What makes you think SAHW don't have their own independence, we are often in much more secure positions than many others who work.

If your spouse suddenly drops dead tomorrow, who would you fall back on?
Or if they leave you with nothing?

Are you contributing to a pension pot, national insurance?

I would hate to be financially dependent on someone else. Like i said before nobody knows what is around the corner.

You don't know that she would be fucked. You know nothing about her circumstances other than she doesn't work. You don't know what investments and assets she may have. I hate this nastiness disguised as faux concern for someone you don't know malarkey. Happens every time on these threads.

Well, he may well be quite happy to do it if he's keen for the OP to get back to work. I'm a higher earner myself, and I do sometimes work long hours, but the domestic stuff really doesn't take that long and it's only a big deal if you make it one. If they share stuff between them and possibly get the 16yo to help out, it really wouldn't be that onerous. If they paid for a cleaner for a couple of hours each week, which wouldn't cost that much in the grand scheme of things, then there would be even less for each of them to do.

My DH earns quite a lot less than me, but I'd far rather that he carry on working and that we share the domestic stuff between us than have him staying at home with me not having to lift a finger. I get it when the children are preschoolers but I would feel that kind of arrangement was incredibly unfair once the kids were in school, even more so when they're all grown up. I would inevitably resent him for not pulling his weight properly.

Yes everyone is free to comment, but OP directed her question at other SAHMs for advice. She didn't start this thread to be bombarded with criticisms from working women, it does come across as jealous.

I think you missed the part where OP was quite clear he was unlikely to start pulling his weight in this department!
It’s all very well saying things are nonsense but if both parties need to change and one party won’t, it doesn’t make for helpful advice.

People comment on these threads for all sorts of reasons. I'm commenting because I think the OP's sense of entitlement is outrageous and I think attitudes like hers (and yours) need to be challenged. Most of us would not want our dc to end up in the position of the OP's DH at any point in the future.

We have insurances in place and I own a separate property in my name alone. We aren't all wet behind the ears. As a spouse you can't just be left with nothing and why would any loving husband do that. I could put those very same questions to you.

I agree nobody knows what is around the corner, which is why people should live in a way that makes them happy.

Yes, I did miss that part. Can you quote the post that sets this out, please? I've just re-read the OP's posts and still can't see it, but I might have missed something.

We have joint accounts and we take whatever we need. I usually look after the finance stuff anyway as DH is useless

This is why he built the rental properties. That if anything happened to him, I would be able to continue with the children without him.

I have attached the bike ride from yesterday. He did that, came in showered and lay down. Completely exhausted. That is not unusual for a Sun.

If I had not prepared the food or house he could not complete his hobbies.