How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

Fuck me, a year? It took me 18mo to feel anywhere near normal and 4 to feel fully 'over' it although the scars are still there and can be poked. You sound ruthless.

A year is no time at all. If they had adult kids then they were married a long time so of course she hasn’t “got over” it in a year! And either you were already on the scene or he started seeing you so soon afterwards she thinks you were. Either way, she’s not going to be ready to move on on your schedule, and neither are the children.

If you’ve met him since the split, in all honesty I would take some space away. A man lurching from a long marriage straight into a new relationship isn’t ready to give you the commitment you deserve.

Do you absolutely love this guy because in all honesty I'd throw this one back if I wasn't that serious

He decided to end the marriage and his wife's heart is broken so she's lashing out In some ways

Leave him to navigate this separation he initiated and give the poor woman some closure and once the dust has settled if your still interested try then, for now I'd say leave him to deal with his messy situation. And move away from it all for now

I think you need to cut them a bit of slack. He broke up with her a year ago and has just started seeing you (so your relationship is only at the very early stages). I imagine you don’t live together as you’ve only been seeing each other for a few months. It’s all very new and raw for everyone.

Of course both partners are entitled to what they deserve after a marriage and children together. She should get half his pension and vice versa.

Stay out of it, let them sort out the divorce and then once it’s settled down there will be time to start getting to know his children etc.

It's only been a year! A year after many years together. They built a family, they were a unit.

I'm not questionning whether your DH was right or wrong to leave her. If he wasn't happy with her then he probably did the right thing (so long as he did it kindly as possible, and not with cheating).

But no matter how sure he is that he did the right thing, he broke his wife's heart, wrecked her world, made his children unhappy, disrupted all their lives.

So yes, it will absolutely take time for them all to recover from that. It's very naive of you to expect otherwise.

What did you think would happen? You got involved with this man very soon after he ended a long marriage. His "I decided to put myself first" shit might well be true, but I guarantee she feels she has been carrying plenty and now he has scanned off.

Frankly, I don't understand why you would get it off a relationship with someone so soon and you are crazy if you think his wife and children are all going to be relaxed and happy so.soon after.

If you can't handle being in a relationship with someone else's husband, step out of the situation.

It's been a year, from what sounds like a very long relationship, they are married, it's going to take a significant amount of time and nothing to do with a potential divorce settlement is any of your business.

Not intending to come across as ruthless at all, just trying to be sympathetic to what must be an awful situation to be in. Not sure whether to accept the friends request and let whatever needs to be said be said or just maintain a respectful silence.

How long have you been together?

I wouldn’t accept the friend request. It will take his wife longer than a year to recover from the loss of a long marriage/ relationship, especially when she did not instigate the separation. The only thing that will allow her and the adult children to heal is time. It may be that you are never truly accepted by them.

Hi OP..can I ask who is the friend request is from? You say one of 'her' friends?

nearly 4 months, so it’s all pretty new. I’ve not felt like this in a long while, if not forever, and just want to navigate a clearly sensitive landscape with as much compassion as possible.

No, don't accept it. Take a step back and think about the position you are in.

A long marriage takes time to unpick, physically and emotionally. I'm 2 and a half years on, I instigated the divorce, and I'm still struggling to unpick everything.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Why are they all so hostile to you? Were you the other woman?

My dad left my mum after 25 years of marriage. My mum never recovered from it. She never remarried or even dated another man. After a year my mum was still in complete shock and unable to function. You could be in for a long wait if you are waiting for her to "get over it".

When did you meet and when did you get together? When did he tell his adult children about you? I think the answers to those questions would shed some light on the situation.

No, not the other woman!

The friend request will obviously be a mistake made when someone is nosying around your social media.

Just ignore it.

The end of a long marriage, especially one you say wasn’t unhappy (did she even know it wasn’t ‘enough’?) is going to take longer than 12 months to get over

Sympayhetic? 😂😂

Expecting a wife to “get over her ex” (aka her husband), after only a year of him leaving her is very, very far away from being sympathetic!

Don't accept the friends request.

Keep well out of anything to do either his ex. And keep a distance from his children for the time being. It's all very raw for them and they're obviously not ready to welcome a new girlfriend into the family dynamic.

Patience. Enjoy your new relationship.

You don't sound sympathetic, more complaining that she's an inconvenience to you and should be over it after only a year.
The friend request will either be just generated because they looked you up on FB, or so that they can find out about you. Accept if you want, as likewise, you can find out about them too. You never know, you could find out its not been long at all and you were the OW.
They say in general at least a month for every year together, so probably at least 2 years in this case. But it's individual, could be many more years.

Ignore the friend request. They’re fishing and one of them will send an abusive message.

You don’t need to have anything to do with the ex, her friends of even the kids as they’re adults. You do you. Concentrate on you, your relationship and nothing else.

Block out any noise and tell your dh that while you’re there for him etc you don’t need to hear the gossip from the ex, who says what and nor do you need her friends stalking your FB (I mean Jesus are these people 12?).

You’re not an affair partner and it’s not your doing when your dh decides to move on. Make it known you won’t be made out to be the bad guy. If your partner can’t protect you from this nonsense then step away.

Together only a few months and calling him your partner. 😬

After only 4 months its too much hassle. Anyone he dates before he gets divorced and letting things settle is going to have to deal with the fallout because he’s been married so long. It’s very understandable that his wife is feeling upset and hadn’t moved on and that it’s difficult for the kids too.

I’d run.

My mum was married for 20 years and although she's now moved on emotionally (after a while) she's not been in a relationship since and will, according to her, never marry again.

I would be very wary that after such a long marriage and a short space of time between it ending and meeting you that your "partner" is just sowing his oats, playing the field, seeing what's out there etc. Especially if the marriage wasn't unhappy as such, I think you're his rebound.

For that reason I wouldn't become embroiled in anything. With nobody filing for divorce yet and you know it'll be a messy one I'd actually walk away.. this will be years of agro you don't need with them fighting it and I guarantee you'll come out unhappy too.

hasn’t