How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

Thanks everyone. As some of you have kindly shared, it’s not about moving on with someone else at all, I wouldn’t be that callous. Perhaps my rushed original post message wasn’t considered enough. What I was trying to get across was how do I best support him during a clearly painful process for all concerned. Not being in love doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still love and care for all of his family including his ex wife. He is a man who fell out of love with his wife and tried to do the right thing rather than pretend. I might be the first relationship “after” but that doesn’t mean the feelings should be any less.

I left a DA marriage two years ago after at least 4 years of knowing I couldn’t stay any longer so am (hopefully understandably) cautious of allowing myself to be vulnerable. He is a wonderful man who regrettably caused a great deal of pain and upset and in time I hope will be happy again. I just wanted to know how best to support.

The overriding advice seems to be that I should steer clear of his family, not engage with any “friend” requests, leave him to figure out how to navigate things with his family in his own way and his own time, and just stay out of it and enjoy this fledgling relationship for what it is. Thank you everyone, even some of the tougher comments I’m sure are meant well and come from some experience.

DH's adult kids attended our wedding. The son was the Best Man. The daughter came with her partner.

I was told that they were staying with their mother (as they usually did when they visited the area), but that the mother had decided to get away from the wedding. I felt sorry for her - I reckoned that it must be hard for her.

I was told that she and her boyfriend were going on holiday 3 days before the wedding.

By then, DH and the ex were supposedly on civilised terms. To be honest, I sometimes felt uncomfortable with how much he managed to disclose to her in conversation.

I recall that there had been some mention of our honeymoon. I specifically remember DH telling me that his ex had said "Italy is a good place for a honeymoon."

DH booked us into a 4 star hotel in Sorrento. When we got there, it turned out that - though the brochure said "Sorrento" - it was actually in one of the villages in the hillside. This suited us even better. We liked being in the village. (Some other clients weren't so happy and insisted on being moved to hotels in the town.)

Our hotel shared facilities with its 5 star "sister hotel" in Sorrento itself: access to bathing platforms and the hairdresser, etc. There was a courtesy bus that went there daily.

We only used the courtesy bus once. Firstly, it was small and had to be pre-booked. Secondly, once we got down to the 5 star hotel, it really wasn't our cup of tea. The bathing platforms were wooden platforms at the cliff edge, I can live without a hairdresser and we really preferred the ambience at our smaller hotel.

A few days after we got home, DH told me: "Guess where [the ex] and [BF] went on holiday!"

"Spain? Turkey?"

"Sorrento. They stayed at the [sister hotel]. [The ex] didn't like it. She said it was just 'decayed elegance'."

At the time, I just laughed...but I look back now and realise that that was just typical of her.

They've practically just split up, they're not even divorced and are financially enmeshed. Of course she's not over it and the kids don't want anything to do with you, it'll be years before any of them are ready, including your BF. There's no nice way to say it but your relationship with him is likely a rebound fling, I'd move on from this one if I were you.

@JJathome calm down friend that part was obviously tongue in cheek and my way of expressing distaste for anyone, be it a man or a woman, that exits a long term marriage without the decency of making a completely clean break before they move on. And no, the marriage isn't over, they are still married so this man's 'ex' wife is still his wife and the OP (whether she intended it or not and it does sound like she is a nice person) is the other women in this situation and should not under any circumstances be interfering in their marriage in any way shape or form and certainly shouldn't be expecting this man's wife and children to be friendly or even civil with her for a looooong looong time - if ever. Read the step parent boards on here if you don't believe me, that shit is harrowing. I can't imagine why anyone would want to get involved with that kind of dynamic. Have a blessed afternoon.

Give them distance for now and absolutely DO NOT accept the friend request!

I agree.

I got my husband's FB account memorialised after he died.

I put up some pics of him on his birthday plus a link to a recording of him. Trying to be nice, I changed the settings so that his daughter and ex (a FB friend) could let other family members see them. (I changed the setting to "friends of friends".

Several friends and family members left nice comments. Next time I checked, all the pictures had disappeared and then it wasn't possible to access the link.

So far as I could ascertain, someone had reported them all as "unwanted".

I changed the settings back to "friends only". No change.

Not knowing what else to do, I blocked the accounts for the daughter and the ex. All the photographs I'd uploaded immediately reappeared, though I lost access to two that had been shared from the daughter's account.

I later had two friend requests from the ex's deceased partner's BIL and three from the ex. (Each time I declined, another account was set up.) They seem to have given up now.

How do you know that about the kids? My kids accepted my and my ex wife’s new partner 6 months or so after 22 yr relationship ended. It depends on the people involved.

I agree that a year is nothing. When something similar happened to a close family member their psychologist said it would take 5 years to get back on an even keel. A long relationship like theirs will inevitably mean shared history that will not go away .You can take it on board knowing he wants to be with you now but the past and both of their recoveries will take some years. It doesn't mean he might not be worth the effort of course. He has shown himself as someone who likes being in a relationship. The DC will get used to you but as they are adults will not have a need to form bonds and naturally are going to want to support their DM for now. I agree with pps don't contact or accept friend requests.

They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough,

🙄
He sounds like a jerk. Shame on the grasping women who enable men like this.

Most women here will put themselves in the shoes of the wife op so you're going to get a hard time.

Just enjoy it and be patient. Ex wife has the rest of her life to get over it just ignore the friend request and anything else from her side of things. None of it is your problem.

The people here who think you need to wait until all divorce papers finalised and that they waited 5 years like a Victorian widow are projecting. He's ready and so are you, it's fine. Most men certainly won't be going through 5 years of celibacy just because of some unspoken sense of obligation to their ex. Life is incredibly short, if you have met the right person you don't have to hang around for the sake of anybody else's. He's happy and so are you.

I think most people have empathy for others regardless of whether it's wife or husband.

If he’s happy with the devastation he’s causing to his wife and DC then run for the hills OP - you deserve so much better.

I wonder how many other women he’s been happy with during his marriage and and in the last year when he decided his not unhappy marriage wasn’t enough. It’s like he’s read the book of quotes.

Oh do jog on, how sanctamonous. If this was the other way round it would be all 'any woman can leave any relationship she's unhappy with for any reason'. But the same doesn't extend to men? You can leave a relationship if you stop loving somebody, ops partner is free to divorce his wife if he wants to. They separated avyear ago ffs. It wasn't last week. He isn't obligated to stay out of a sense of duty or guilt, in the same way women don't have to stay with men just because they haven't actually been abusive. What's to say his marriage is even salvageable now he's been seeing somebody else? It probably isn't.

Is he still living with his wife?

So he should stayed in a marriage that didn't fulfill him, do be serious.
Men are just as entitled to happiness, they've been separated a year, why shouldn't he move on.
You can get off your high horse now.

I hope the op comes back in a year and lets us know how it's all going.

I can guarantee the stbew will definitely have moved on by then and everything will be hunky dory.

Oh give over with your high horse.

If he’s ‘unfulfilled’ then he needs to grow a pair and leave properly by starting divorce proceedings and treating his family with a bit of respect. Or perhaps he’s hedging his bets in case the OP doesn’t fulfil him either like the others there have no doubt been.

ops partner is free to divorce his wife if he wants to

He doesn’t seem in any hurry to. Funny that.

Quite frankly I wouldn't be going out with anyone who wasn't divorced. I couldn't cope with this situation. All you will hear for the coming next however many years it takes will be divorce and ex drama.
He is not in a position to commit to a new relationship in a healthy way.

And yet here you are diving head first into somebody else's mess. It doesn't look like you have learnt anything from previous relationships.

I have been the 'ex wife' in this scenario. My H left to put himself first, gave me all the classic midlife crisis bullshit about needing to be alone for a bit, didn't know what he wanted long term, just wasn't in love anymore etc. Note, I have a full time, high earning professional job, as well as doing everything for kids etc for most of their childhood. But my job is home based, his isn't, so it made sense for most of it to land on me. And that was ok for me. I knew that this was the reality of the parenting years and I was looking forward to us getting back to us again. I thought we had a broadly solid relationship that had ups and downs like most.

He very quickly got involved with someone else, yes the good old cliché, over a decade younger. Bought an entire wardrobe of new clothes, changed his tastes and interests. Did all the things that you can do when you aren't looking after your parenting responsibilities etc.

I had a lot of legal advice from some amazing strong female lawyers who all rolled their eyes and asked if I would have him back if he asked. I said yes, so we agreed that if he wanted a divorce, he could push it forward. I don't need him financially, I am completely self sufficient. Had a similar conversation and response from an HRT specialist, the number of men she had seen do this.

About a year after he left, he started looking at me differently whenever he came over to see the kids, who wanted nothing to do with him. He seemed confused by me. A few weeks after that, he ended his other relationship and asked if we could start again. It took another few months before he moved home. I won't say it is perfect yet, we are still in recovery phase. But we are in so much better a place already than we probably had been for years. I am not going to say it has been easy, but I think of his time out of the house as having had a sabbatical, gave us both a chance to reset.

Long winded way of saying, don't be so sure that he won't go back home. If he really wanted out of his marriage, he would have started proceedings. A lot of men really don't like the reality of what they have to give up financially and decide that maybe the 'ex' wasn't so bad after all.

I know this is not a popular approach on MN, but I just got on with living my life (which has meant I now have lots of new friends, hobbies and interests), left him to his. And let time do it's thing to his fling.

What gives you the right to decide that starting divorce proceedings immediately is the way to "leave properly". Or to assume there have been other parties involved other than the lady posting. Believe it or not, people do divorce when it feels right for them to do so, and there are men who contrary to the opinion on this site have not had numerous affairs just because they've left a marriage.
Mumsnet seems to have a large complement of judgemental and spiteful comments being posted, no advice or anything useful to contribute to a thread other than nastiness.

Immediately?! It’s been a year and he’s met someone he’s very serious about from what the OP says - they’re partners after 4 months, after all, and she’s in it for the long haul. I’d have thought he’d be desperate to get out of the marriage properly and not subject either his wife or the OP to any further drama.

Is this thread touching a nerve? You seem very invested.

Ah but you said he needed to leave properly and start divorce proceedings, which isn't the same as saying why hasn't he started them now it's been a year since separation.
I can assure you that no, no nerve has been touched, I'm simply fed up with the spitefulness being directed towards someone none of us know, and the assumptions about their character and motives.

You certainly seem it.

I’m well aware of what I said and I stand by both. I hope for the sake his wife and the OP that he starts divorce proceedings now because he’s dragging his heels on this and isn’t being fair to either. No surprise there though, he hasn’t behaved well since he left his family.