How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

A long marriage that at worst wasn't 'enough', (whatever the hell that means). And they are not divorced. His wife possibly thinks he's having a mid life crisis. And among that, you are literally in a relationship with another woman's husband. And you wonder why she and her children won't speak your name...? Crikey!

You're framing this in a way which suggests you're trying to help her. In reality, all that's happened is that you're shagging her husband.

This is exactly what you're doing.
He's just using you to distract himself from it all and you're laying down plans for "the long haul"

Jesus, I love this "she hasn't moved on" idea because she's not jumped into a relationship within the first year (you sound like my ex who still spouts that rubbish to me almost 7 years and one rather hot man later because I'd rather be single than let another man take me for a mug). You know nothing about her bar what you've been told by the man you are seeing (4 months he isn't your partner).

I wonder if you've actually been in that situation, even in an unhappy marriage you still have to figure out who you are(you're no longer part of a team), how you want to live your life and mourn the life you thought you were going to have. Then there's all the finances, house, divorce. They were together a very long time, these things don't happen over night.

I hate to say this but many of the replies on this thread are awful and hypocritical. Men are allowed to leave their marriages when they have fallen out of love, just as women are. And they are allowed to find happiness again with someone else. OP has done nothing wrong and wasn't the other woman, and she deserves to find happiness in a relationship too. Her boyfriend's soon to be ex wife might still be upset about her marriage ending but her upset doesn't trump everyone else's wishes and feelings, and she doesn't get to direct unnecessary hostility at OP who was nothing to do with the marriage break up.

Quite bold that you call someone your partner in just over what, 18 weeks together, yet showed such little regard for his wife, and that fact her whole life has changed cause he's been "brave"

You only changed the tone of your posts once called out. Bet your timeline together is interesting...

That’s what I thought, they are barely into the relationship, and the op is acting like she’s now large and in charge.

Aww come on love.
At four months he is an early boyfriend at most.
You sound like you have kids as well.
Slow the frick down!
His long marriage and long term wife are absolutely none of your business.
Definitely not your place ""to help her move on"
How utterly patronising.
You seem to have fallen into the mistake of thinking you have a prize of a man and are desperate to keep him, especially from the wife and family he is still legally married to.
Are you sure it's not you feeling you might just have fallen for a shitty mid life crisis idiot man?

This. You sound delusional. How old are you both?

She says nearly 4 months, so it’s actually 3. She’s just dating the guy. I can’t believe she’s being so turf protective, wanting the ex wife to move on, wanting to help her move on and calling a man she barely knows her partner.

Wow...just a year on and not even started divorce proceedings. This is still very fresh for her, she sounds like she's still heartbroken.

It must be really hard seeing her ex moving in so quickly, and it sounds like the kids are concerned about her too.

It amazes me how men leap into new relationships so quickly.

So what you are saying is that anyone who is divorced (or has left a long term relationship) will not be able to make success with anyone else?

You sound very young and naïve OP.

The reality is, you're dating a married man. The average divorce takes about two years to complete and he hasn't even started yet.

If he's getting shitty about splitting the marital assets of the family home and pensions with his wife of a couple of decades, how good of a man do you think you have here?

I imagine you're a decade or so younger than him and are fulfilling the mid-life crisis girlfriend role quite nicely for him, but what are you getting out of this relationship?

A man who is self-centred, demanding, misogynistic (marital property belongs to the man in his mind 🙄) and expects everyone to work around his needs and feelings, but also do the hard work of making things that he wants (like divorce) actually happen, because why should he have to make any effort to get things done when his minions can do it for him?

Geez, what a prize you have there, not.

I don’t think this is too early to start a new relationship.

Jeez did you hurt yourself reaching that far. Honestly. That’s just mad.

This 100%

@Twogorgeousgirls7 - you are honestly getting a hard time on here. as @newyearnewknees says, people fall out of love all the time. It may be abuse, it may be that attraction is just not there, it may be that you have become different people. There is nothing to feel guilty of at all, or for people to take cheap shots at him.

Also, you need to do what is right for YOU and only YOU really know that. You will know if you're ready for a relationship and if he is too. As I have said, once my wife moved out 3 months after separating, I was ready and in that space. No desire to get back, we had pretty much spent the last 12m living separate lives and had become detached then.

And yes, you can look at a long term future after 4 months - if you can't, and you're not looking for casual then you have to question why you are still there. With an ex, some 2 months in I questioned that, and easily decided there was no future so ended it. Next relationship, I knew almost straight away that this was someone I wanted to be with. There is a thread running at the moment where many people realised almost immediately that this person was the one. Romantic, yes, naive, possibly but it does happen.

It doesn't matter if she accepts it or not, the kids, yes that is more important but chances are it will happen over time.

Adult kids, been dating 4 months. How does his STBX wife know about you? Presumably he didn't need to tell her you were meeting his children or something if they are grown up. How do you know they refer to you as her/she?

You’re saying all this when they reason you’re own relationship isn’t working, as detailed on a thread 2 days ago, is because your on off GF is hung up on her ex. 😅

Totally agree. The spiteful comments directed at op are appalling. She's done nothing wrong and I read her original post and thought she sounded nice. I didn't read hasn't moved in as she should have met someone, I read it as she's struggling.
Some of the posters on here should be ashamed of themselves, nothing but spiteful bitter and downright bullying comments.

This 100 percent 👏🏻

Your expectations are unrealistic.

Your boyfriend has presumably moved on quickly because he started the emotionally detaching process years ago. I suspect that she only started a year ago which is why she hasn’t moved on yet. Are you the first gf since the split?

You have only been together 4 months yet the ex and children know about you ? 🚩 I assume that the adult children don’t live with your boyfriend but it’s very strange that he’s announcing relationships of 4 months rather than waiting until later when he knows that this relationship is for the long term. Definitely don’t accept the friend request and enjoy some privacy. I think you know deep down that accepting will create drama and fodder for ex and her friends to gossip about. Anything you say or do will be wrong so stay silent so you don’t inflame things.

A wife of many years is entitled to half the house and pension. It’s not a sign of her being high conflict or a gold digger lol Your boyfriend is entitled to half of her stuff too.

It takes time after a divorce for things to settle. You and your bf might be keen to zoom on ahead but he has a past and can’t act like a single man even if he wanted to. He can however, get the divorce process started.

I've just actually seen your message header.
" How to move past the x wife"🤔
Except she isn't his x wife.
He hasn't even started divorce proceedings after a year.
You have known him four months!
Are you sure it's not you that has a problem with the wife?
He doesn't seem to want to move past his still married to Wife.
What makes you think, given he hasn't started divorce proceedings, he wants to move past his ""ex wife"
Obviously apart from what bullshit he tells you.

It doesn't sound like anything has happened to prevent the op's happiness though?

She has her man. She Doesn't need to have anything to do with the stbxw and the kids are adult so she doesn't really need to be concerned with them either.

The ex wife's feelings don't trump anybody else's.

Nor do the adults dcs' feelings.

And nor do the op's.

Nobody seems to be doing anything to stand in the way of her troo wuv.

It doesn't seem like there is anything to be particularly concerned about here. What is the problem?

Just quietly get on with your life and the 'long haul' and stop being so 'concerned' about the stbxw getting over her long marriage. It's actually none of your business, op, how the stbxw feels. And I very much doubt you really care. Why should you?

I accept that the STBX Wife is still hurting and is definitely entitled to her fair share in the divorce.

But women aren’t all the same. But that level of snark just smacks of bitterness. Maybe a new relationship would work out, not because OP is “special” but just because she is different and better suited to him.

XW doesn’t have to roll over for him in the divorce, but neither does he have to throw away the remainder of his life to someone that makes him feel dead inside.

Fecking hell!
" Someone that makes him feel dead inside"😬
Are you sure you aren't projecting your own life on this bloke you have absolutely no clue about?

I agree anyone can end a relationship for any reason or no reason at all.

But the wife has done nothing wrong here, there’s no ‘unnecessary hostility’ aimed at OP from the wife at all. OP is making a drama out of nothing because the wife ‘hasn’t moved on’ and apparently calls OP ‘she’. Hardly hostile.