How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

The OP was pre-empting future hostility, the vibe of which has been perfectly demonstrated over and over again within many bitchy, unnecessary comments on this thread.

Exactly. I’m struggling to see what OPs problem is with the ex. Why should she move on- that’s up to her when she feels ready. I’m not sure some random friend request is really such a big deal, it can easily be ignored. It’s not as if the ex is harassing her or turning up at the house and being abusive, it says in the OP that they aren’t even really talking. If I was the OP I’d be more concerned why her partner hasn’t started divorce proceedings.

I don't know what to advise you, but I'll share a bit of my experience.

By all accounts, my late husband's first marriage was not a good one. He left his first wife after she told him that she'd shared a room with a younger male colleague on a work trip. This was someone who who was at their home on a regular basis and DH had long had his suspicions. (DH had adult kids who had left the family home already.)

2 yrs later - when they'd been separated, DH had bought his own place, etc - his ex offered him the chance to "move back home". This was bizarre - her colleague was her boyfriend by then: they split their time between their two houses. I have no idea what she told him.

They'd sorted out the money themselves without lawyers - the ex earned a bit more than DH by then, so that wasn't an issue. DH made the mistake of agreeing that a friend of his ex's could value the family home. She bought him out and - as DH later found out - only paid him about half of what she should have. If DH had agreed to go back, he'd have been living in a house that no longer belonged to him.

I think what happened was that she'd heard that DH had started to see me. (We weren't in a serious relationship - just coffees and so on. I was fairly shy and naive for my age.)

DH laughed at her and told her that there was no way he was going back.

About 6 yrs later, DH and I got married. The ex and her boyfriend tried to gatecrash our honeymoon. (To be fair, I don't think her boyfriend knew what she was up to, but I'm betting it was deliberate on her part.)

The point I'm making, OP, is that my husband's ex found it difficult to let go even when she had evidently moved on.

Your partner's ex isn't going to manage this in the space of just over a year. =

I agree that the xw isn’t unnecessarily hostile and that people can leave relationships for whatever reasons.

There have been some “staying for the sake of the kids” posters recently who could do with reading the OP’s initial post. While she doesn’t say that her bf stayed for the kids, dragging out the “relationship” then leaving because the kids reach adulthood or whatever is storing issues for later.

OP’s life would be easier if xw had moved on but it doesn’t mean that the children will accept things. Calling OP “she” is not the major problem that OP thinks.

"Moving on" doesn't mean jumping into bed either someone new or getting into a relationship with someone new.

Moving on is a state of mind. Many people think that getting under someone else or getting involved again means they've moved on. It doesn't at all.

So the stbew could totally be fine, getting there on her own time without jumping into something new straightaway.

Still zero evidence of concern for the op though.

I don’t know, hopefully not!

I just mean it begs the question whether a person is allowed to leave a long relationship without the permission or blessing of the other?

When you read similar threads, from all the different sides, it seems to me that whatever the one leaving says or does it’s always wrong: either “cruel” or “cold” if they are clear/direct and move forward or “Cruel” for “Giving Hope” or mixed messages if they try to let the other down gently. If there is no way to not upset the other person then you may as well rip off the plaster

I have no idea what happened with this couple, but I do know the majority of people have to be told in words of one syllable that the relationship is over. It’s likely that he doesn’t want to be nasty, but that will be interpreted as “it’s a trial separation” or “a rough patch”.

Not sure what the ex is actually supposed to have done wrong here?

you said she hasn't moved on, do you mean she isn't dating? That's really none of your business, you said yourself she doesn't contact your partner very often so why does it matter at all? She doesn't have to move on with someone else on your schedule...

They refer to you as "she and her" honestly who cares? Like that's a normal way to refer to a woman? They're not calling you nasty names

and the ex's friend has fb requested you. This one is a bit weird but might be nothing to do with the ex, probably the friend was having a snoop on your profile and accidentally hit the wrong button. Awkward but not unusual.

honestly sounds like you're making a massive deal out of absolutely nothing. Leave the poor woman alone, she isn't bothering you.

Now I’m interested in the gate crashing the honeymoon story….they just “happened” to be holidaying where your honeymoon was? Were they in the same hotel?

I think you are at best foolish to pursue this but if you must: don't accept friend requests. Don't take to him about his family. Don't ask about his children. Don't introduce him to yours. Don't speak about his wife. Don't offer him advice. Keep it strictly to sex and dating and until he is divorced and if you are still both wanting a relationship after that then you can start talking about those things. If you ever do get a chance to speak to his wife. Please tell her this stranger from the internet wishes her the best of luck with her divorce. Hope she takes him for every penny she can - men who use their wives for 20/30 years and then suddenly decide to 'put themselves first' at the time when the kids are finally grown up and the wife is looking forward to growing older with her husband after all the hard work disgust me.

The thing is OP, even though you aren’t the OW, the adult DC will probably not want to know you. I’m projecting of course, because I’ve been there. Not with a divorced, but a widowed parent.

As an adult, I don’t want a 3rd wheel. I’ve got/ had a mum and dad. I don’t want another adult, unrelated to me, sitting in that chair. In your case, I’d also be siding with my mum. There’s no way I’d be enabling my dad’s MLC and oiling his wrecking ball.

Just leave your BF to deal with his own family, and see them alone.

On what planet is she going to wish the ex wife her best from you? I mean seriously? And why shouldn’t they talk about their kids and ex;s they are just starting off in a relationship, of course they should discuss these things. And it’s ludicrous to say they can’t talk about these things till he’s divorced thay could be years.

rhe marriage is over. Surely the legalities have to be sorted but he is now single and freely able to enter a new relationship

Assuming no abuse and there’s love, if that person doesn’t know how to sustain a relationship then yeah, what makes you think a different relationship is magically different

@JJathome who said the man isn't freely able to enter another relationship?

It could be that the friendship request is to inform you that you are the other woman.

I don't think you need to do anything y

Some of you are hypocrites.

Men, just like women can end a relationship for any reason they want.

I wouldn't accept the friend request

How and when she moves on is up to her , equally, if they have split it's up to him who he sees

I think its more likely the friend of the ex was stalking your FB profile and accidentally friend requested you. So just leave it.

Unless the not-yet-ex wife is actually contacting you, being hostile or making things difficult for you, OP, I don't think you need to do anything at all.

She doesn't have to like you, speak your name or have anything to do with you and neither do his adult children.
The adult children may never like you or want anything to do with you and if that's the case, oh well. You are in a relationship with their father, not them and they already have a mother.
The divorce is your boyfriend's to sort out and is nothing to do with you whatsoever.
So unless the not-yet-ex wife starts to directly involve you in any way then I think you just keep out of it all and concentrate on your new relationship.

I would tread carefully though and not plunge in too quickly because there may well be issues in the background you don't know about and he hasn't ever mentioned (e.g previous infidelity).
He hasn't been with you long enough to have told his full story yet so just proceed with caution.

Was you the other woman?

TBH I think the expectation that men only ever leave for another woman does in part lead to so many men actually doing that.

After all, if a man leaves his wife and gets together with someone else within a year then it’s automatically assumed that she was the other woman, even if she wasn’t. So if a man is going to be accused of having an affair anyway then why wouldn’t he? Especially as leaving for any other reason isn’t considered to be acceptable or believeable.

And yet when a woman leaves her husband nobody bats an eyelid if she’s out dating as soon as possible. And certainly no-one accuses her of having an affair if she starts seeing someone in the first year.

So there are definitely double standards on that score.

I still think that it’s wise to tread carefully if someone really has just walked out on their 20 plus year marriage with no prior warning, and thinking you’re in it for the long hall after four months is generally infatuation which may or may not lead to more..

Also the way in which people keep talking about the OP sleeping with someone’s husband, that they’re not divorced and so she’s not the ex is ridiculous.

If they’re not together any more then physically they’re separated, and both are free to see who they want.

From that perspective, marriage really is just a piece of paper at that point.

Honestly OP I’d not get too invested - yet. This is all very raw still.

Emotional ties can take a very long time to break. I think men can move on quicker but kids tend to watch with bemusement and then take sides if needed. The divorce could get very messy and the kids could get involved which will put a lot of pressure on you all.

If you are his first real relationship since the split - be very very wary. 12 months is nothing when ending a long term marriage. There is a reason neither of them has put in for the divorce - because they are not ready yet.

Have compassion for yourself. Protect yourself. This might not have the outcome you want so tread carefully OP - for your own sake because you might be his rebound and that never ends well

Everyone processes things at their own pace. I got divorced a while ago. I waited 6 months before even considering dating again. I tried to go out and socialise but in my old job I had to work weekends so being a skint single parent I probably wasn’t seen to be getting out much. I met someone almost a year after we split but didn’t go public for a while. I didn’t tell DD abut my relationship until it had been a while and I trusted him.
XH met someone the day he moved out, first date within a month of us separating, moved in together a year after they got together and got engaged after 2 years.
From the outside, you’d perceive that XH had ‘moved on’ and I hadn’t..but I took some time to start healing. XH leapt straight in. We did what we felt was right for us and I’d cringe to think anyone was worried I hadn’t moved on just because I didn’t rush into something new.

This thread has confirmed to me that some posters genuinely fail at basic reading comprehension.

Has your boyfriend moved out of the marital home yet?