How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

This is going to be messy for a long time. Are you ready to be involved in that? Is he worth it? Can you be sympathetic to a woman whose whole life has come crashing down around her? He is still married, is he really in a place to be what you want him to be right now? Divorce is often a long and painful process, you have the choice to either remove yourself or be patient and understanding.

You need to extend some compassion and empathy for this woman, a year is nothing if she’s been blindsided by the end of a clearly long term relationship and marriage.

Personally I wouldn’t get involved in this but if you say that it’s something special and you’d like to see it through then I would just stay as far away from it as possible. Dont try to be part of the adult children’s lives yet, keep a respectful difference and ensure that your partner understands that whilst you care and want to support HIM, he cannot use you as a place to offload all his emotions over it. Shouldn’t be coming home and repeating all the things that have been said between them etc, that betrays them and only serves to upset you.

Try as much as possible to keep your relationship separate to his marriage and children for now. It’s very early days, I’d be very wary of being the rebound Op

Thank you. I am in it for the long haul, and patient and understanding is what I’m aiming for with a little guidance from you all too. Thank you to those of you who have offered constructive advice and sorry to those of you who think I’m not sympathetic to how his family must be feeling. Absolutely not the intention here 😔

After only 4 months I would let this man go.
Too much drama and I certainly wouldn’t risk being a rebound.

I assume she is struggling because he left suddenly. A decent man would have suggested counselling to get their marriage back to where it once was. Instead of hoping the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. What does ‘putting yourself first’ mean?

He hasn’t even initiated divorce proceedings. Probably because his wife normally did all the wife work and paperwork was one of her tasks!

No a still married man, in a not unhappy marriage, who didn’t talk to his wife and suggest making their marriage better is not someone I would want as a life partner or to introduce to my kids.

The majority of men leave long marriages suddenly because they have their sights set on someone else. Could it be the kids and wife and wife’s friend think this is the case here? We see the script all the time on here.

It’s going to take a lot of healing for this woman, and even the adult kids will be hurting. He is still married, so you are treading a minefield here OP.

You’ve been seeing him for four months! He’s not your ‘partner’. Divorce proceedings haven’t even begun, and you have a completely unrealistic timeline for how long it’s likely to take the non-divorce-seeking party to recover from the ending of a marriage long enough to have produced adult children. I think you have unrealistic expectations of her and the children too in terms of them using your name, or acknowledging you. The friend request is a red herring. I’d either dial way back on my expectations or end it altogether.

She’s not the ex wife. They are married and are yet to start divorce proceedings or agree financial split. Why hasn’t he started this?

His poor wife is going through probably the hardest thing she ever will and it will take a lot of time for her and their children to accept this, if they ever do.

Your tone does not suggest compassion.

It’s only been 4 months but you’re set on being on it for the long haul. I think you’re mad quite honestly. You’re over complicating your life for someone you can’t even know very well yet.

I don't see why you have to worry about the ex wife, the adult children or the divorce. Concentrate on your new relationship and things will work themselves out over time if this is supposed to be a long term thing. But you absolutely do not get to decide when his spouse and children " get over it". That's down to them and their feelings

Ah yes, the banal midlife crisis so many men go through where they suddenly decide they want a mysterious "more" from their usually decades long marriages.

"More" usually meaning " 15+ years younger and more willing to shag me whenever I want" in my experience. Or a motorbike.

With all due respect get over yourself. You've been with this man 4 months, he's not even divorced yet, if they have adult children they were presumably together at least 18 years. She can take as long as she bloody well likes to get over what has probably been a horrendous and jarring experience for her.

Sorry, I missed your post where you said you've been together 4 months.

They broke up just over a year ago and you've been with him for 4 months. I don't think that's bad at all.

I think his ex needs to grow up a bit. You're not the other woman and he has a right to move on with his life. It's not as though they broke up and he pissed all over their marriage by getting involved with someone else as soon as his foot was out of the door, it's been well over 6 months.

Their marriage was over and he'd left before you even came on the scene. The way you're being treated is unfair and disrespectful. Even if he were to break up with you, he wouldn't be going back to his ex anyway.

His ex might still be struggling to deal with the break up after such a long marriage but it's her responsibility to seek therapy and take care of herself. Having her friend send you a friend request on social media is ridiculous. Don't accept it.

To be honest, it would be too much for me. I'd find a man who doesn't have these complications. You're being treated like you had an affair, you've done nothing wrong!

I'd end things with him and find someone else. Better to do it now than to stay with him and get more attached to him.

OP, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who cares only about himself to the extent he is happy to walk away from a long term marriage without a backward glance?

I hate to say it, but it’s unlikely you’re that special to him.

You will get defensive replies on here and it actually doesn't matter if you were the OW or not. In the end, he's not with her anymore, he's with you.

Nonetheless I would take very great care not to mention her or get involved or offer any opinion either way. Be respectful; another women's life has been upturned and if the marriage was pottering along as you describe, she likely thought nothing was wrong. If he is a high earner and she wasn't working then not only has she lost her DH then she will have no current means to support herself.

She is entitled to her share of the house and pension. No doubt it will be 50% each as the kids are adults but he will also be entitled to half her pension/assets too so it does work both ways. So let's not portray her as a gold digger after your man's money just because she wants what she is entitled to from the joint marital assets.

Good luck, OP. You will need it as there are stressful times ahead for your DH.

Good luck, OP. You will need it as there are stressful times ahead for your DH.

It OTT that OP is referring to this man as her partner after only 4 months, but DH is ridiculous. 😅

I understand what you are saying; this is a very difficult one.

I'm personally surprised the DH left his marriage without a carrot on the stick in the shape of an OW. Most men are more than happy to pootle along with a long term partner even if the spark has gone. In the end, relationships are not just about fun sex, they're about loyalty, shared commitments, companionship and the wellbeing you get from living with someone who knows you intimately. That works for women as well.

But saying that, anyone has the right to leave a relationship for whatever reasons they want. Women on here are always advised to LTB over spurious reasons so men should have the same option.

Oops my error. Yes the relationship is not even a DP.

It's a boyfriend of course.

It might turn out that things aren't exactly the way he's spinning them to you, so be prepared for that. If she's this upset then it suggests she was blindsided and their relationship was generally happy. It's a big thing to have a long, happy marriage reframed by one party as not so happy after all. I think it's a huge emotional upheaval and a year really isn't a long time. He's moved out of the family home but she's been left behind - it's always harder for the one who's been left.

Try to put yourself in her position. Do you think you would be okay in a year if you'd spent half your life with someone, raised a family and just when you should be getting all that lovely quality couple time, he decided to bail and get a new woman?

From a purely practical pov I think this sounds like a divorce that will get very messy - they could be arguing over money for years. The adult kids will get dragged in and you are going to spend a lot of effort propping up the emotions (and lifestyle maybe) of a man who has shown himself not be loyal, in the end. I'd think he was a dodgy prospect at this point. It's not like meeting a man 5 years down the track, who's dealt with all his own shit.

Be very careful that you arent the rebound relationship who ends up being the subject of the 'real soulmate's' post sometime down the line - ie 'how do I move past the obsessive ex girlfriend'.

Sorry to be cynical but this is all very quick, very heartless and so predictable.

I wouldn’t accept the friends request. It most likely seem that’s the wife and her friend think you may have influence his decision to end the marriage. They may not believe that you met afterwards.

Sadly I wouldn’t expect her to move on anytime soon. If she wasn’t unhappy and things were just plodding on then this will be very unexpected for her. It will be incredibly difficult to switch of a lifetime of feelings for her husband. Her adult children are annoyingly hostile towards you but it will be because they want their parents to be together.

I think, if you want a relationship with him then you need to be patient. You need to continue to remain out of their divorce and let him handle it. If he’s not in any hurry to divorce and is considering staying married then I would maybe question if this is real for him. I say this as I know a married man who ‘split’ from his wife, moved in with someone else months later and by a year he wanted to be back with his wife again and was calling it his midlife crisis.

Where does your partner live currently?

I'm unsure what you're asking here. You want your DP's ex and children to acknowledge your status as the partner of your DP? I can imagine that you are not on their radar as a priority for them - why would you be? You say a divorce hasn't been started but this means your DP hasn't instigated it. Is he older than you?

Only a year and no divorce started. Quite why you’d involve yourself with someone in that situation is beyond me but in any case, and especially 4 months in, none of your business.

👌

How convenient that a new relationship landed on his lap so soon though, eh?

Call me a cynic, but most of the time a woman is hiding in the shadows waiting to spring out as a “new” relationship and “they met after” the breakup.

The kids won’t even call her by her name. But no one will come on here and admit to being a ow

They've only been split up a year and you've only been together 4 months? Keep yourself out of the situation, OP – the break up of his family, how his children and his ex are coping with it is absolutely nothing to do with you.