How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

Sorry but I can’t disagree more. People
move at different paces.

wife and I split last year. Together 22y. Within 6m we were both in a relationship and both are happy with respective partners. We had both checked out for at least a year before that and while there have been some issues between us, get on ok for sake of the kids. Divorce and financial order already completed. My headspace was fine and was ready to move on and it seems she was the same.

There are a number of posts by women saying they are unhappy and the general advice is to leave so why not the other way round? Maybe they tried to sort it out? Maybe he had checked out, maybe he just doesn’t live his wife anymore

How long have you known him though? 4 months is nothing so I wouldn't describe him as anywhere near being your 'partner' yet?

I mean I'm assuming by your username you have your own children who after only 4 months won't have met him yet as it's too soon. So, partner he is not.

His wife is mourning the life she thought she was living, so are their children. That's probably not going to stop anytime soon. This isn't for you to navigate, it's for them (including your boyfriend) to navigate together and separately.

Wasn't it you posted that your GFs headspace wasn’t fine and she was in similar circumstances to you. Hardly a great advert for a happy relationship.

Please have some compassion for this poor woman, imagine yourself in her shoes. Married for a long time, raised his children for him to dump her, to put himself first! I see very little sympathy in your post.

Hi

I was in this exact same position, very high conflict ex wife i met him a year after he spilt and i was always referred to as the OW. The divorce was very acrimonious and took 2 years and the threat of court to get the ExW to negotiate a settlement. I had the lot thrown at me via socials etc but the best thing i did was remain in a dignified silence. Try to keep out of the ins and outs of the divorce cuz that frazzled my head. 5 years on and we are still together and as happy as ever. Exw has still not moved on and is still very resentful. If you love him stick with it but its gona be a very rocky ride. Good luck

Is there any reason why he hasn’t started divorce proceedings yet?

he’s been in a long marriage- a year is no time at all for the ex. I can’t imagine many women facing a divorce with no financial understanding of their future would be thrilled at the thought of her ex no longer speaking to her and dating someone getting the best version of him within 8 months. I’m not sure what she’s done wrong other than refer to you as “she”. What do you expect from her- her life’s been turned upside down. She’s a woman who probably wants her ex to finalise their marriage with respect and sympathy but instead he’s moved on without settling their relationship and finances. To be honest and I can only speak for myself but if my husband left me I’d be devastated but would try to understand and be civil for the sake of our kids. If he left and was discussing my divorce with another woman I’d probably be raging and be a lot less cooperative over the financial side. Maybe your partner should have got his life in order.

The wife in OPs case doesn’t sound high conflict at all. She hasn’t done anything.

Agreed but i guess my point is it can work but its going ot be a rocky ride especially if it does become high conflict during the divorce process.

You made the point of being in the exact same position with a high conflict ex. Its nothing like that here. All the drama seems to be coming from the OP. The wife’s only ‘failing’ is to have not moved on from a long marriage after only a year. Oh and not being particularly interested in OP. But why the hell should she be?

The wife isn’t the high conflict nightmare person here.

My marriage ended (after 6 years) just over a year ago - not my choice. I was devastated and a year on have only recently been able to accept what happened and start looking ahead instead of back. Your DP and his wife clearly had a long marriage and a year is not long for her to heal and move on.

You sound thoughtful but perhaps a little unrealistic in your expectations. You and DP have the excitement of a new relationship and all the hope that brings. She doesn't. Just give it a lot of space and stay well out of any conflict with her or the adult kids. And remember that your DP's account of what went wrong in the marriage is just that: his version. The wife no doubt will have her own "truth".

Apologies i will correct that to "similar" position however i hazard a guess it will become high conflict when it comes to the financials as there is always going to be one party who deems they are the victim so will want a more favourable split etc. Good luck OP just block them on socials its not worth the agg

Do you have DC @Twogorgeousgirls7?

Had your partner seen anyone in between splitting up with wife and meeting you?

How long were they together?

I've spent the past few months knowing my H is discussing our divorce with his 'girlfriend' - she knew about me long before i knew about her - and after a 25 year marriage, trust me I'm raging. It's added insult to injury.

Whatever the problems in their relationship, he is still married, and has recently thrown a grenade into his family's life. You have no idea what's gone on between them, only what he's told you. You're 4 months in and think he's the love of your life? ffs

Did he really just leave? Most men don’t, they have someone else waiting so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not the first girlfriend since he left the family unit.

You don’t have to do anything other than tread very carefully and be very aware of what he’s capable of doing to people he loves and the dramas ahead. Protect yourself and be very sensitive to the horrendous time his wife and adult children are going through. He certainly should have sorted out the financial side before getting involved with someone else.

Whatever has to be sorted out is between your boyfriend and his ex. Don't accept the friend request. She has obviously asked her friend to snoop on you. Ignore and make sure your privacy settings are set to friends only.

Don't get involved in any way with engaging with the ex. Stay completely away from it, it's absolutely nothing to do with you. Your relationship is fairly new, concentrate on enjoying the time you spend with your partner and leave him to sort out his divorce on his own. You don't have to have any engagement with the ex at all.

It sounds to me as though you have just been discovered, a year after he left, the reason and explanation is there and I'm afraid I couldn't be one of those women that is involved in a long marriage breaking up.

He's probably been spinning the line of being depressed for quite a while now.

But here you are 4 months and in it for the long haul, well that long haul has just begun and after a 25 year marriage (probably together longer) you have landed yourself with a low integrity disloyal man. Yuk.

Enjoy.

You’re making it up though. So far, the ex has done nothing to show shes high conflict or will r levy more than what is fair. You’re projecting. The drama is from OP, not the wife.

I wouldn’t personally get involved with someone who is not divorced yet, way too much hassle.

Btw “allowing himself to be put first” - odds are he’s the kind of man who’s always put himself first. You cannot be sure he will never go back to his wife.

The grass isn't always greener.

I know of many men who have left long marriages to find themselves crawling back because they miss the stability and what they had because they went looking for something better only to realise what they wanted was right in front of them.

Just be prepared for him to realise what he had now it's gone, woman start to grieve straight away after a break up and feel better in time, it's the opposite while men spend several months sowing wild oats and enjoying their freedom before bang it hits them and they start to miss their old life.
And she probably won't have him back so he'll settle for you while living with regret.

Not making anything up but cheers for the input

@bluelagooner

I agree.

The odds are stacked against this relationship working but selfish people will do what they want.

It usually backfires.

It's very sad that an entire family unit of such longevity has been blown apart.

Are you not sad for them op ?

Absolutely classic midlife crisis.
Left through panic that it was his last chance to be a lad before he was too old and will likely soon realise what's he's done.
We only have OPs word that he didn't leave for someone else who caught his eye and it didn't work out, he's unlikely to tell her if that's the case.

The grass isn't always greener.

Exactly wait until the novelty wears off.

I would end it until he has divorced and the financials are sorted, only then will you know he is not going to hurt you.

What is he waiting for.

Forget about friend's requests, sort out the paperwork, in fact demand it.