How to move past the ex wife

[Twogorgeousgirls7]

My partner and his ex wife split a little over a year ago.

We’re now in a relationship but his ex can’t move on with her life. They don’t speak often but he hears via his adult kids how she’s not moved on in the past year. They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process though I stay out of it as it’s nothing to do with me.

she is aware of me and I am not referred to by name by either her or his two kids just “her” and “she”.

Just a couple of days ago one of her friends has Facebook requested me, which obviously I haven’t accepted but just not sure what to do. I want to be supportive, but it’s a lot of pressure and whilst I try to be understanding I’m not sure how to move past this. Do I just wait for them to figure out that their dad and ex now has someone new in his life or wait for them to accept that (or not) and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

Ìt was, but that was her headspace and not mine (plus we have got through that and at the risk of going off-topic was more to deal with some closure issues from him) but that's looking good now. But my point is that both I and ex-wife moved on very quickly and neither of us has found it too soon

"In it for the long haul"

His wife was in it for the long haul too.
I think you need to be realistic about your expectations here, his children are already hostile towards you.
Is he really for you?
He doesn't know what he wants and it's taken him 25 years to realise he wants more - more what?
I'm guessing he's midlife. How old are you?

Absolutely classic midlife crisis.
Left through panic that it was his last chance to be a lad before he was too old and will likely soon realise what's he's done.
We only have OPs word that he didn't leave for someone else who caught
his eye and it didn't work out, he's unlikely to tell her if that's the
case.

On another note I wonder how many men have fucked their later lives up because of the mid life affair panic.

Too many I bet.

Again, people are different - they may see each other 4 or 5 times a week so 4 months is plenty of time to know someone and class them as partner. Same with kids, I never put a time limit on it, just what feels right. One ex didn't meet them in the 2-3 months we were together, once did within 2 weeks (teens, and they were perfectly happy with it).

I don't think anyone can say its too soon/too fast, it depends on the person

What do you mean by not moved on? Do you mean she’s not met anyone new?

Why should she? She’ll do it on her own terms. She owes neither you, nor he, any closure.

Also, she doesn’t need a man. She’s got her kids, future GC, a house, assets and a pension. Too right she should go after every penny she can get. She owes him nothing.

She’ll date, do what she likes in her own time. If it’s inconvenient to her ex, and his GF, that’s not her concern.

TBH, I’d not get involved, and not accept the FB request.

This is excellent advice @Twogorgeousgirls7 - sounds like unwarranted hostility is being directed at you but you just need to rise above that.

It was still a problem a couple of days ago on your thread.

''They didn’t have an unhappy marriage, it just wasn’t enough, and now the kids are adults he took the brave or foolish step of allowing himself to be put first. They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension''

This is so much bullshit, he's painting himself as the poor brave soldier/victim and her as the nasty ex out to take all his money. Nothing to stop him starting divorce proceedings, getting himself a solicitor and getting on with splitting assets. Handy for him to stay legally married and keep you on side as well. You can do better. Plenty of men out there without all these complications. A few months in you should be enjoying yourself not needing guidance and all this pressure.

He decided to put him first?
He decided to put his cock first because he was bored of monogamy.

Maybe she won’t ever.

I’ve been seeing someone a few months who is separated 5 years, and his ex wife is still “standing by hers vows” (she’s not actually religious).

Some people don’t ever move on.

Why is he not divorced ?

How old are you op? Are you younger than his wife?

He is!

They haven’t started divorce proceedings yet though she has said that she wants the house and his pension so I don’t think it’s going to be a smooth process

And why shouldn't she get her share of the house and his pension?
You're sounding like you think this is unreasonable on her part.

............and do I accept whatever comments are clearly going to come my way if it allows her to finally start moving on with her life?

How pompous.
As if you getting a few comments on a FB post will affect your boyfriend's wife in any way.

You're framing this in a way which suggests you're trying to help her. In reality, all that's happened is that you're shagging her husband.

He isn't even her ex yet.

Has he actually moved out of the family home?

You mention showing them sympathy & compassion. Maybe they think you’re just some poor eejit with their ex/father for a few weeks, they don’t want your sympathy & think you’re irrelevant?

He isn't even her ex yet.

Not her ex husband maybe, but the relationship is over. That makes him her ex.

Wow, a whole year, yeah she should be over it by now! He’s also not a partner, he’s still a husband. He’s your boyfriend sorry if I come across as brutal but I was that wife and it took a lot longer than a year to get over

If his marriage didn’t work out, a committed relationship, what makes you think you’re so special it will work with you? She was in your place once upon a time.

I really think you are being very naive, his happily married wife had her life implode. I wouldn't be putting too much currency or emotions into this. It is very probable there will be toing and froing between them.

Generally I would never enter any relationship until divorce sorted and a good year clear to have the rebound. Because it's basically mandatory, a need to prove you can attract, to rationalise your decision. I know I was that soldier.

About a year later I realised I was with the person because I didn't need to be emotionally invested. It is likely to be the same for him.

I really think you need to step back and stop romanticising, by all means enjoy but don't place an unrealistic expectations on what is very likely a rebound situ.

with as much compassion as possible.

Expecting his wife to be fully over it in 12 months, having not been the one to leave the marriage - for your convenience - is not having compassion.

I would walk away for the time being. He might feel his marriage is over but his wife might feel differently. They've presumably been together for 20 years plus. Of course she hasn't come to yerms with it yet.

You sound at best naive and at worst callous.

Blimey you’ve only been with him four months? And you’re posting like he’s your long term partner??

she has said that she wants the house and his pension

I would imagine she said she wants her share.

If that's how your bf presented it, it's not impossible this delightful man who's dumped his wife (after how many decades of marriage?) to put himself first ..might be putting a little bit of a spin on things. He is the victim who never got to put himself first, after all.

And no, I wouldn't accept the friend request.

Just keep quiet. There's no need for you to say or do anything regarding his wife, his divorce, his kids, their mutual friends. It's really really none of your business if she's moving on or not.

Just get on with your own life.

I've never heard of someone declaring after 4 post months they are in it for the long haul though. Bit premature. And teenage.