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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is taking the p**s!!

315 replies

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:10

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

OP posts:
MrsJackThornton · 19/05/2024 20:50

This reply has been deleted

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Hiddenvoice · 19/05/2024 20:50

Aww op this is horrible! I understand he’s probably feeling tired and stressed but you’re meant to be a team and to work through it together.
I have the same age gap with my children except my baby is a couple of months old. I couldn’t imagine the stress and exhaustion of doing it all single handed every day. Yes he might need a break to unwind but so do you!

It seems like he has no idea of how much you actually do and must just think rather narrow minded that you’re at home all day and able to just sit when in reality that is far from the case.

It sounds like he’s putting himself first and thinking of you and your children last.

Please prioritise yourself and your children and do what you need to do. I’m glad you’ve reached out to your brother. It’s good to get real life support.

Crepester · 19/05/2024 21:00

Peachy2005 · 19/05/2024 20:37

She said he was the one pushing for having a second child.

Show quote history

My former friend I mentioned up thread whose husband left her - he was pushing for a second baby. She said now wasn’t the time as they already struggled with after school childcare for their one child.

6 months later she discovered he was in a long term affair with a colleague. It’s utterly baffling but we figure he planned to leave her even when he was pushing for a baby, and as a parting gift he wanted to leave her tied down with a young baby to make things difficult for her. It’s like he wanted to move on but wanted to reduce her capacity to.

She’s very glad she stuck to her guns as she’d have had to leave her job if she’d had a second, younger child when he left.

Thursdaygirl · 19/05/2024 21:02

Crepester · 19/05/2024 21:00

My former friend I mentioned up thread whose husband left her - he was pushing for a second baby. She said now wasn’t the time as they already struggled with after school childcare for their one child.

6 months later she discovered he was in a long term affair with a colleague. It’s utterly baffling but we figure he planned to leave her even when he was pushing for a baby, and as a parting gift he wanted to leave her tied down with a young baby to make things difficult for her. It’s like he wanted to move on but wanted to reduce her capacity to.

She’s very glad she stuck to her guns as she’d have had to leave her job if she’d had a second, younger child when he left.

Show quote history

That’s so cruel and calculating

Crepester · 19/05/2024 21:10

Above was meant to read my former colleague

It really was, it seems he was seeking maximum cruelty in the breakup @Thursdaygirl

Personally I think he hated her all along but had played happy families for seven years to get his British citizenship and then after that he had no use for her so his true feelings were on display.

It shocked me because when I first met her a year earlier one of the first things she told me was how “lucky” she was to be married to such an amazing guy.

doitwithlove · 19/05/2024 21:31

rosetta32 · 19/05/2024 13:00

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am going to ask him to leave tonight, as hard as this is going to be. Things are not matching up after our conversation and I don't want to end up being miserable in the long run. For the sake of my kids I have to put a stop to all of this now.

Years of marriage, I cannot believe this happening. Feel totally numb and broken.

Bless you OP. Wishing you all the best

upthehills1 · 19/05/2024 21:46

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:15

I would do that but our baby is so young I do not want to leave him yet - also I need to feed.

I do not know. With our first he was not like this, responsibility was split evenly. But it's getting out of hand, I just want to cry.

Take baby out with you and leave him with other DC

Katbum · 19/05/2024 21:47

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:16

OP
#Rather than bashing the laptop hear - have you had a serious chat with hubby???

Have you considered going with him for golf ie one of those family golf areas or a park etc instead of him playing golf?

If he is just doing it the one day, five at work, TBH, I don't see the problem

how about you go to work and he stays at home?

My husband is sahd and I work. Looking after small kids day in day out is absolutely exhausting and any decent working parent chips in half duties at the weekend realising their oh also deserves a break. You don’t just swan off for the day unannounced.

GabriellaMontez · 19/05/2024 21:50

What a shit bag. Sending solidarity OP.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/05/2024 21:58

Hope you've had a conversation with your husband @rosetta32 and that he has left without causing a fuss (for the sake of you and the kids).

Be kind to yourself. You can do this! You can get through tomorrow and the tomorrow after that and so on. Take each day as it comes. Can I recommend that even though you're on maternity leave, you reach out to your employer/team leader/manager and let them know that you're having marital issues on the off chance that your employer has support systems in place for things like that (some do, some don't, but it doesn't hurt to ask).

He's an absolute fool that is throwing away a good thing when he has it. I'd not be surprised if he's going through some mid-life crisis because the reality of having two kids relying on him has hit him and he doesn't know how to behave. I'm not excusing his behaviour, because he doesn't deserve it but it might be an explanation for something that is so out of the blue.

Anyway, I just wanted to send you my support!

stichguru · 19/05/2024 21:58

Could he be having a breakdown?

GingerPirate · 19/05/2024 22:00

stichguru · 19/05/2024 21:58

Could he be having a breakdown?

Yawn ...
I suppose it's not impossible...
However, in this case, me thinks not.
😐

Copperoliverbear · 19/05/2024 22:23

I'd pop out tomorrow and come back in the evening

Copperoliverbear · 19/05/2024 22:25

If you don't want to leave the newborn take the baby with you as they sleep a lot and leave your toddler behind.

Southern68 · 19/05/2024 22:27

Copperoliverbear · 19/05/2024 22:25

If you don't want to leave the newborn take the baby with you as they sleep a lot and leave your toddler behind.

She's beast feeding, would you leave a newborn with someone whose expressed no interest whatsoever in them, and has shown this level of irresponsibility cause I wouldn't.

alrightluv · 19/05/2024 22:37

I'm so sorry. You'll be ok. It'll be hard to begin with but take any support offered.

twohotwaterbottles · 19/05/2024 22:54

Ive just read this whole thread. @rosetta32 Sending you an enormous hug. I'm so sorry this has happened. It's such a lot to take in. You deserve so much more xx

PalomaJaneintheDales · 20/05/2024 04:00

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2024 15:45

Make sure he knows he'll have the kids on his own several days per week (even if its not nights for the youngest just yet). The relationship might be over but he still has to parent his kids. You'll have to be tough on yourself and make sure to TAKE the days off you want. No ifs buts or maybes. Pick the days you want child free and tell him that's what's happening.

But he really does not have to "parent his kids". He doesn't have to see them again if he doesn't want to - no one can force him - not even the law!

Mylovelygreendress · 20/05/2024 08:38

PalomaJaneintheDales · 20/05/2024 04:00

But he really does not have to "parent his kids". He doesn't have to see them again if he doesn't want to - no one can force him - not even the law!

Show quote history

I see this so often on MN . “ tell him he will have the kids 50% of the time” - all he has to do is say no . My ex never had our 3 DC overnight . He simply refused despite a court order . He rarely saw them . They are now adults and have very little contact with him.
So OP can insist all she wants but she can’t force him !

Iaskedyouthrice · 20/05/2024 08:40

Whether or not you asked him to leave last night @rosetta32 , please reach out to your family and friends. Do not protect him at the cost of your own health. He is choosing to behave as he is. Please look after yourself, he isn't going to. Hope you are ok today.

Original poster
rosetta32 · 20/05/2024 09:01

Yes he wanted the second child, it was him who originally pushed for us to try, so child 2 was very much wanted.

I know he will continue to see them, he does adore our first. Sadly he has not bonded with our second but maybe in time. He works very long hours so we need to figure out a realistic plan. I know I will end up having them more and I'm fine with that. I am absolutely dreading having time away from them to be honest.

He is being apologetic but it does not sound very sincere. It's so hard, I want him here but at the same time I just know nothing will change. Although he is saying sorry and he loves me and is etc, there's no appreciation for how much work I am doing at home and with the kids. Or no offer of more help.

I noticed while speaking yesterday he kept putting his phone face down. I asked why, and he started stuttering some response about not wanting to read his managers messages so ignoring his phone. It was such a blatant excuse. 😢

OP posts:
TemuSpecialBuy · 20/05/2024 09:06

How did it go with your DB and SIL?
Can they offer any practical support.

Hang in there 💕

IHateLegDay · 20/05/2024 09:09

He's definitely up to something. The fact he's hiding his phone screen says it all.
You are definitely so much better off without him.

Peachy2005 · 20/05/2024 09:19

So sorry OP. It doesn’t sound good with the phone thing…I thought all the people leaping to “affair” were jumping to conclusions but maybe he has had his head turned too...? If he’s feeling guilty right now, it’s the time when you might get him to leave the house voluntarily rather than him digging in, so keep that in mind. I hope your DB and SIL were helpful and you should gather any support you can IRL. Sending hugs and strength from afar xx

alrightluv · 20/05/2024 09:22

Oh no that does sound like cheating. Even more reason to get rid.