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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is taking the p**s!!

315 replies

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:10

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 20/05/2024 09:37

I think the most telling thing was him saying he was not coming home on Saturday night .. although he did there’s no coming back from that. ..
I know it’s very very early but do get some legal advice on where you stand. I’m very sorry this is happening to you x

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 20/05/2024 09:42

rosetta32 · 20/05/2024 09:01

Yes he wanted the second child, it was him who originally pushed for us to try, so child 2 was very much wanted.

I know he will continue to see them, he does adore our first. Sadly he has not bonded with our second but maybe in time. He works very long hours so we need to figure out a realistic plan. I know I will end up having them more and I'm fine with that. I am absolutely dreading having time away from them to be honest.

He is being apologetic but it does not sound very sincere. It's so hard, I want him here but at the same time I just know nothing will change. Although he is saying sorry and he loves me and is etc, there's no appreciation for how much work I am doing at home and with the kids. Or no offer of more help.

I noticed while speaking yesterday he kept putting his phone face down. I asked why, and he started stuttering some response about not wanting to read his managers messages so ignoring his phone. It was such a blatant excuse. 😢

I’m so sorry. Cherchez La femme. 💔 it explains why he’s able to be so callous to you.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/05/2024 10:16

Sorry to read your updates. What an arsehole. How do men just have kids then abandon the family like this.

ToastofLandon · 20/05/2024 10:22

So sorry it’s turned out this way. Trust your gut, you’ve got this. You deserve so much better than this pathetic excuse for a man.

Livinghappy · 20/05/2024 11:31

I am so very sorry. What is his family relationships like? I something think men need to have outside pressure to work at a relationship as they find it too easy to walk away when children come along and it's no longer about them.

If this was my son I would be horrified and supporting you.

Original poster
rosetta32 · 20/05/2024 12:28

He does not have the best relationship with his mum (previous affairs) - which is why I really do not think he would have one, as he was massively impacted by this. I would be very surprised.

My brother has been amazing. My parents are also coming to stay on Wednesday for a couple of nights, so I am grateful I am getting support. My friend is also popping over this afternoon.

I'm just so exhausted. Struggling to eat, sleep and look after the kids :-(

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 20/05/2024 12:51

So sorry OP but unless he lets you see his phone texts & calls i do think his heads been turned - why else is he letting you/his family go so easily

Freeme31 · 20/05/2024 12:54

Did he leave the house when you asked him & do you know where he is now staying? What is his solution to this family breakdown?

Southern68 · 20/05/2024 13:08

@rosetta32 sending you a hug cause you need one.
I'm so glad people are rallying round and helping you, accept all the help offered to you.
Keep your chin up lovely and be kind to yourself.

Secondstart1001 · 20/05/2024 13:14

I think something different this time made you ask him to leave. Think you need to separate his attitude towards his mums affair to his own actions.
If he can prove 100% there is no affair then by all means you can give him a chance to fix the marriage ( I understand your dc are very young and this has been a last resort.

Having your parents around will help with the exhaustion and hopefully give you space to think x

Opentooffers · 20/05/2024 13:39

Unfortunately, having a parent who had fidelity issues, can normalise it more for some, no matter how impacted they felt at the time, so it doesn't follow he'd be less likely to. The putting the phone face down, and stuttering are bad signs that you have rightly picked up on.
Has he always worked long hours, or have those hours increased since your pregnancy maybe? I think you have correctly pinpointed when the change was, and its not about stress of another baby as it was before that.
You could try telling him that if he has nothing to hide, you would like access to his phone. His response could be telling. Or, if he goes into a deep sleep after coming home inhebriated, perhaps it would be possible to unlock his phone with his fingerprint.
I think, unfortunately, that it's time to do some digging, like finding proof that he is at work the hours he claims. That he really is always out just with his friends at the weekend.
However, meantime, whatever the reason, his behaviour is bad enough that you can choose to end it on that basis, without needing to be a sleuth.

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 20/05/2024 13:43

rosetta32 · 20/05/2024 12:28

He does not have the best relationship with his mum (previous affairs) - which is why I really do not think he would have one, as he was massively impacted by this. I would be very surprised.

My brother has been amazing. My parents are also coming to stay on Wednesday for a couple of nights, so I am grateful I am getting support. My friend is also popping over this afternoon.

I'm just so exhausted. Struggling to eat, sleep and look after the kids :-(

He does not have the best relationship with his mum (previous affairs) - which is why I really do not think he would have one, as he was massively impacted by this. I would be very surprised.

My ex's dad left his mum with 3 young children to go off with a woman. Ex NEVER had a relationship with him from that day to the day he died. Vocalised ad nauseum how selfish and vile his father was etc etc all through our marriage.

Yep, we divorced due to ex's adultery.

People who shout the loudest about something they WOULD NEVER DO, are often the ones that do it IME

CantGetDecentNickname · 20/05/2024 13:45

Secondstart1001 · 20/05/2024 13:14

I think something different this time made you ask him to leave. Think you need to separate his attitude towards his mums affair to his own actions.
If he can prove 100% there is no affair then by all means you can give him a chance to fix the marriage ( I understand your dc are very young and this has been a last resort.

Having your parents around will help with the exhaustion and hopefully give you space to think x

I agree with this post. His behaviour was completely unacceptable and you need to show him that his actions have consequences or nothing will ever change. He needs to leave if he hasn't already. He needs to realise that his life won't be the same and what he has thrown away.

Just because he knows how horrid it is to be the one being cheated on won't necessarily stop him doing just that. Somehow people can compartmentalise and not see themselves as the bad guy. He needs to show you his phone and not have anything missing timewise (in other words deleted) before you'll be able to trust him.

I hope that he will put in a the hard work necessary to save his marriage. It's on him now to attempt to fix things, while you can take your time and decide what you want. He needs to tell you what he is going do to improve the situation which hopefully starts with being completely open and honest with you and doing his share of the parenting from wherever he has moved to. Please give it time and don't have him back unless you are sure things will be different.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP but glad you have great parents and DB who are a good support to you.

idrinkandiknowthings · 20/05/2024 13:57

What an absolute shitshow. I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Is there any way you could put your 20 month old in nursery, even for just a few hours to get some sort of break? Apologies if someone has already raised this.

Arsebags like your husband make me feel so very happy to be single xx

Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 14:06

I'm another one echoing pp who have said that his experience with his mum doesn't mean he would not have an affair himself.
The pattern of his behaviour is just so typical of someone looking outside his marriage. I agree with the pp who suggested you ask to see his phone. Given what has happened he should be willing to reassure you so his reaction will be telling.
I'm so glad your family and your friend are supporting you.

TemuSpecialBuy · 20/05/2024 14:11

that’s good- Take all the help you can get.

i agree with @Secondstart1001 something is different.

i disagree with the notion because his mum had an affair and he thought it was awful so he wouldn’t.

i say this based on my anecdotal experiences. I also never failed to be surprised by the tales people twist for themselves. A friend once told me no one wants to be the villain in their own tale and it’s totally true.

whether it’s an affair or generally arseholery is somewhat immaterial as the end result is the same. he is totally failing you as a husband and reneging on all his wedding vows. He is blowing your lives up and doesn’t care.

Focus on yourself, self care and the kids.

WoodBurningStov · 20/05/2024 14:36

One of the reasons I was with my now exdh is because I was convinced he'd never cheat on me. Precisely for the reason you said, in that his dd had an affair and it really impacted him. I'll give you three guess as to why our relationship ended - yup he had an affair.

Starlight1979 · 20/05/2024 14:37

@rosetta32

"He works very long hours"

Are you sure he does?

curiouslycoy · 20/05/2024 16:21

If he was out with 'friends' Saturday you should expect to see messaging to and from said friend arranging where to meet in the first instance.

I say that because he can easily delete the history of the chat with another woman and then you're none the wiser.

You need evidence of him meeting his friend and also of the golf trips. Same thing. Who did he go with, where is the payment, confirmation of booking, pictures of them away, messages arranging a time and place to meet.

If he can't show you these things then ok afraid writing is on the wall.

chosenone · 20/05/2024 16:35

Oh love ❤️ I'm glad you're getting real-life support. Take everything on offer and just get through the days and enjoy your kids. Don't question the ‘why didnje do this’ don't torture yourself. You sound like the best mum to your kids and that's worth so much more than crappy nights out with friends getting pissed. He just wanted his cake and to eat it. Show him you're no doormat and you can do this without him! You can and will 🙌❤️

CannotWaitToBeFree · 20/05/2024 16:37

Sending you strength 💐

littleorchard45 · 20/05/2024 18:08

Sending you huge hugs. X

Doubledenim305 · 20/05/2024 18:09

Selfish lazy twat.
Stand Ur ground and get a few ground rules sorted out. Don't pad around it.
Think it through. Stay calm. Get some boundaries in place.

Leela100 · 20/05/2024 18:09

Just another man child totally taking the piss because you are the default parent what a *nob, hate to tell you this but it won’t get better

OldPerson · 20/05/2024 18:22

Not sure why you and husband decided to have 2 children so close together - but you and he are the family planners.

So was he brilliant with first baby and now overwhelmed?

Or was he useless with first baby, but you thought if there were two of them, he'd step up?

I have very little sympathy with people who have a baby and realise their partners are abusive, lazy or otherwise incompetent. And then go on to have a second child.

Obviously, you should have done this with baby no.1, but since you aren't working as a team, you should at least make sure he's the sole responsible parent for one day a weekend.

If you have grandparents living nearby, this is the perfect time to appreciate them.