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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is taking the p**s!!

315 replies

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:10

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/05/2024 18:29

@OldPerson have you read the full thread?!

Ialwaysdomybest · 20/05/2024 18:52

OldPerson · 20/05/2024 18:22

Not sure why you and husband decided to have 2 children so close together - but you and he are the family planners.

So was he brilliant with first baby and now overwhelmed?

Or was he useless with first baby, but you thought if there were two of them, he'd step up?

I have very little sympathy with people who have a baby and realise their partners are abusive, lazy or otherwise incompetent. And then go on to have a second child.

Obviously, you should have done this with baby no.1, but since you aren't working as a team, you should at least make sure he's the sole responsible parent for one day a weekend.

If you have grandparents living nearby, this is the perfect time to appreciate them.

Have you actually read OP's posts?
The situation OP finds herself in is down to the change, for whatever reason, in her partner's behaviour DURING the second pregnancy. How was she supposed to forsee that when all appeared OK before?
OP deserves sympathy not unjustified judgement.

AllyArty · 20/05/2024 19:10

You poor thing. Why are some people so obsessed with themselves that they can’t see the hurt and destruction they are causing others?

Sorry if I missed some of your posts but did your brother/sil talk to him? Is there anyone in his life that will tell him what an absolute pr*ck he is being?

Don't relent, stay strong. You deserve so much more. 💐

fetchacloth · 20/05/2024 19:23

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:26

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator excuse me? I have just given birth, baby is weeks old, I do work. I am on maternity leave!! What a ridiculous comment.

Being at 'home' at the moment is no luxury.

And I do not have the luxury of going on golf trips with him either 🙈

Of course I have had a chat with him, but he says he's stressed from work and needs downtime. Which is fine. But he's taking it to the extreme. Today has tipped me over the edge.

A silly question, but when's your downtime exactly?
Your husband is a useless prick and he needs to learn that they're his kids too and he should be taking some responsibility, not just sodding off on away-days on a whim.
I feel angry for you OP 😡

Secondstart1001 · 20/05/2024 19:24

@OldPerson I don’t think you’ve read
the ops post properly.

And even if she had a second child after a problematic first birth with H, there are plenty of reasons this happens like domestic abuse.

If you can’t offer kind and constructive advice why comment at all? People can’t go back into the past and change things!

wingsanddreams · 20/05/2024 19:26

Selfish. I'd ask him to take half of the responsibility or he can pay 75% + of his assets and maintenance.

Southern68 · 20/05/2024 19:39

OldPerson · 20/05/2024 18:22

Not sure why you and husband decided to have 2 children so close together - but you and he are the family planners.

So was he brilliant with first baby and now overwhelmed?

Or was he useless with first baby, but you thought if there were two of them, he'd step up?

I have very little sympathy with people who have a baby and realise their partners are abusive, lazy or otherwise incompetent. And then go on to have a second child.

Obviously, you should have done this with baby no.1, but since you aren't working as a team, you should at least make sure he's the sole responsible parent for one day a weekend.

If you have grandparents living nearby, this is the perfect time to appreciate them.

What a judgemental nasty load of spiel.
Did you actually read the ops opening post where she mentions all the pertinent details?
Obviously not to spout this unhelpful and quite frankly unpleasant lecture. Read the post before getting on your soapbox!!

Comtesse · 20/05/2024 19:40

OldPerson · 20/05/2024 18:22

Not sure why you and husband decided to have 2 children so close together - but you and he are the family planners.

So was he brilliant with first baby and now overwhelmed?

Or was he useless with first baby, but you thought if there were two of them, he'd step up?

I have very little sympathy with people who have a baby and realise their partners are abusive, lazy or otherwise incompetent. And then go on to have a second child.

Obviously, you should have done this with baby no.1, but since you aren't working as a team, you should at least make sure he's the sole responsible parent for one day a weekend.

If you have grandparents living nearby, this is the perfect time to appreciate them.

Just give over you fool. Read the room…

Havinganamechange · 20/05/2024 19:41

I feel like there is this inbuilt thing in most husbands that sees childcare as the mothers role. The only way to change this is to start right now and take the time that you need leaving him with the kids. Honestly OP it only gets worse if you don’t trust me!

Original poster
rosetta32 · 20/05/2024 19:53

I do not have a huge amount of downtime. I pop out the odd evening sometimes for dinner with a friend, and that's as exciting as it gets.

@OldPerson . I am having the worse time and this post is not helpful. As said many times, both children wanted very much by both of us and until recently, he's been a good husband and father.

To those who asked, my brother did not speak directly to him as he was out at the time, and I asked him not to.

He has left, trying to come back. He is currently staying with his parents. I would like to think they are talking some sense into him. My eldest keeps saying 'daddy' and running into his office, which is horrible.

I wish I had asked to see his phone. I bet everything is deleted by now. But the phone being turned over told me he was definitely hiding something as he's not done that before. I know he was with his friends on Saturday as he video called and I saw them, but I am sure that is just half the picture.

OP posts:
Alexaremovethenotifications · 20/05/2024 19:57

I hate to be the one to point this out and haven’t RTFT but I’d suggest from your response you probably have an inkling he is having an affair and from the behaviour you described I wouldn’t say it’s unreasonable to think that.

Alexaremovethenotifications · 20/05/2024 20:05

I just read more of the thread and wish you the best of luck moving forward. This will be the hardest time for you and it will get easier as the kids get older. You absolutely deserve better than this 🌷

fetchacloth · 20/05/2024 20:10

OP I wish you the best of luck with this situation, it sounds absolutely shitty.
💐

Reallybadidea · 20/05/2024 20:13

OldPerson · 20/05/2024 18:22

Not sure why you and husband decided to have 2 children so close together - but you and he are the family planners.

So was he brilliant with first baby and now overwhelmed?

Or was he useless with first baby, but you thought if there were two of them, he'd step up?

I have very little sympathy with people who have a baby and realise their partners are abusive, lazy or otherwise incompetent. And then go on to have a second child.

Obviously, you should have done this with baby no.1, but since you aren't working as a team, you should at least make sure he's the sole responsible parent for one day a weekend.

If you have grandparents living nearby, this is the perfect time to appreciate them.

I have very little sympathy with people who stick the boot into someone struggling. Particularly when they can neither read an OP properly nor RTFT. What a nasty post, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Reallybadidea · 20/05/2024 20:15

@rosetta32 sending you strength. You will get through this Flowers

Wisterialily · 20/05/2024 20:25

For me, if he was turning his phone over, not offering you a reasonable explanation or showing you his phone, coupled with an unexplained day/ night out I would conclude that I couldn't trust him. Trust is earned it's not unconditional.

Even beyond did he cheat- the trust of having a partner who will make decisions for the best interests of you and his family have been undermined by his decisions.

The cowardly disappearance the next day 'to give you space' ie not being able to face up to the consequences of his actions or even to justify them (which actually is more worrying as he is acting like he is guilty)

The minimising, his lack of remorse, his apathy when questioned.

All points to not being able to trust him.

It doesn't matter if you don't see the messages, he's broken that trust all the signs point to him cheating, he can't give a justification for his actions that is plausible. If it was me, I would work on the assumption he has cheated or at the very least checked out of your family.

Either way it's a line crossed and absolutely not acceptable.

It's now down to him to either explain his actions, be truthful or do nothing ( bare minimum to fix like currently)

If he does nothing it shows you that it's time to move on. The other two scenarios can be salvaged, apathy can't.

GardenGnomeDefender · 20/05/2024 20:25

Take your newborn for a 2 hour trip to the park and the library next week giving him only a few minutes notice that he's looking after the older child. Tell him you're just going for a walk and simply don't return for hours.

Let him deal with it.

babycandy · 20/05/2024 20:29

@rosetta32 I have had to fight the tears reading this.
That gut feeling is rarely wrong, but knowing that doesn’t take the pain away.
I loved my husband so much and it killed me when he was unfaithful.
The more you dig the more you find out and in ways I think it’s worse knowing it all.

You are going to be in agony just now, and you’re going to be hurting for quite some time. But after that comes liberation… I promise.

I’m So glad you have a good support network. It’s important because these people will keep you going when you don’t feel like you can.

Lots of love and take care x

Scrollbreadroll · 20/05/2024 20:35

@rosetta32 I know it’s hard to see what’s staring you in the face when you are in the middle of it all but there’s several clues that point towards him having his head turned. It’s also extremely common for those whose parents have had affairs and/or those who claim loudly that they would “never ever cheat” to be the worst ones for it. It’s sort of a guise they hide behind and it works ….because the signs are there yet you are reciting back to us what he’s no doubt said in the past to you. 😞

Wisterialily · 20/05/2024 20:37

Also, and I should have said this first! You are incredible! Each of your posts is well thought out, you have listened, you have sourced support, you have kept it together for you babies. Most in your situation couldn't do what you are doing.

You are incredibly strong, you will get through this whatever the outcome and I'm sure you will put your babies first in every decision you make. It's amazing how in our weakest moments we find such an inner strength to carry on. And it's that strength that will bring you back to a good place.

Fulton Lee on YouTube has a great song called on the edge. Please listen to it, it has a great way of looking at the world. Also Ben harper walk away. That has helped me through dark times in my relationships x

Wisterialily · 20/05/2024 20:48

Final thing then I will get back in my box! In the past I've had some trust issues with what I called emotional affairs (very early on in our relationship) with my husband. When I got to the point where I couldn't trust him, regardless of whether I had seen proof my language changed with him from 'if' to ' you have'. That language change massively helped because I filled in the gaps with the most reasonable plausible information and I told him that is what happened as you can't convince me with your version.

It worked he began telling me the truth (it was all complicated and to do with ex's and defining friendships) but from that breaking point, when he knew he had to be brutally honest and I wouldn't accept crap. We finally had a base we could work from and we did and we healed and we have a devoted, loving relationship now which has a basis of earned trust.

Sharptonguedwoman · 20/05/2024 21:03

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:15

I would do that but our baby is so young I do not want to leave him yet - also I need to feed.

I do not know. With our first he was not like this, responsibility was split evenly. But it's getting out of hand, I just want to cry.

Take the baby, leave the toddler. Go out for the day.

FluffyBenji23 · 20/05/2024 21:03

Hi I really sympathise as this is truly awful, selfish behaviour!!! But have you considered he may be seriously depressed? This happened to a close relative when their child was born in lockdown and the Dad just wasn't coping. Had a lot of support and some therapy and now adores said child. I am not making excuses for him but postnatal depression in Dads is really a thing but seldom acknowledged.

GnomeDePlume · 20/05/2024 21:07

I'm sorry OP, he is such an arse.

A colleague of mine described this as 'second baby syndrome': after the first child he thinks everything will go back to 'normal'. After the arrival of the second child he realises this is normal. He resents no longer being the centre of his universe so he stays away then starts to play away.

After my colleague described this I realised how many times I had seen it. The behaviour is so selfish and adolescent.

FloweryPoweryLove · 20/05/2024 21:43

Oh lovely, I’m so so sorry you are going through this. You must be completely devastated. I hope you have good friends and family to turn to. Sending hugs x