Husbands friendship group are cheaters

[Sunseasand1]

My husband has come back from a weekend away with friends and family last month, where one of the group ended up having an affair, which resulted in the end of his longstanding marriage, and a second friend cheated. None of this information was offered by my husband, who said he was trying to protect them.
I am certain my husband was faithful.
Problem being they are planning another weekend away with the group of girls they met, one of whom is now the new gf of his family member.
My husband is now the only member of the group with a wife, and doesn’t want to miss the weekend away with his family members, one of whom lives abroad. But surely I’m right to be worried and upset about this.

I wouldn't be happy at all.
Either you both go or neither of you go.

I know you are saying it's family and the girls they met, but if it's a mixed group I still can't see why you are not going, it doesn't matter if you don't know them, you would get to know them

I couldn’t be in a relationship with my partner if he even suggested this! Wtaf! So disrespectful

it makes no sense that you’re not invited and this explanation doesn’t make it better. Yes, this trip is problematic. Stop kidding yourself.

“Tell me who your friends are, I'll tell you who you are.”
it won’t end well , he already showed low morals by not telling you anything , it’s wonky a small
leap

My married boss who is older than 40 goes on boys' trips but they're going fishing or motorbike rallying or something manly like that. There are no females invited.

Your husband's family - I assume they are brothers and/or cousins - and his friends sound super sleazy. I can't imagine what a bunch of twenty somethings see in an immature bunch of middle aged men on the prowl. Hardly top quality women or they would have better options. I don't think your husband is planning on playing gooseberry though, is he? You know the cliché about birds of a feather and it's true. Why are you certain your husband didn't cheat? He mightn't have known what would happen last time but he is in no doubt about what is likely to happen this time and he's willing to upset you by going.

And the fact that you don't know the "girls" so you can't go? Why last month they didn't even know these men and then two of them had sex with them! They should surely be able to converse with you. The fact is that they probably don't know you even exist because he's probably told them he's separated.

If your husband is willing to be so blatant and prepared to ignore your feelings to this extent, I don't think he values his marriage much.

Yeah. Concern is ok! It’s proven groups get married/divorced/cheat.

so not unreasonable!

It sounds slightly dubious to me. I don't think I would be comfortable with that scenario. I know you've said it's a lads weekend with this group of girls but that too sounds dodgy. Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? What are his thoughts on his friends cheating?

I am definitely in the minority on here. However I still think you're over thinking. You have said you don't think he would cheat. At this stage I think its inappropriate to demand your partner does not go on a planned trip away because you don't want him to. I do not think that's how a relationship should work. Instead just be honest about your feelings. E.g. you trust him and would never demand what he does but you're worried about the group dynamic and feel that by going he could have a weak moment and do something that your relationship couldn't recover from. That tells him.how you feel and if something happens you've clearly set where your red lines are in a relationship and can act accordingly. . . I know some men cheat but you are basically setting boundaries on him that are based on other mens actions. . . For example it's a fact men are more violent than women but it doesn't translate that all men are violent. If your partner is not violent towards you it would be very disrespectful to install panic buttons and a safe room and sleep with a baseball bat next to the bed as protection against him. . . All those women telling you that you should be invited are bizarre. Imagine how awkward the group dynamic would be 🤣. Honestly the image you have in your head vs the reality of this trip are going to be widely different. You're thinking wild origies in Hotel rooms and a group of stunning women. He will probably feel a right spare part. The girls are prob all desperate slags and he will have to watch all his single mates snog them whilst he realises how much better he has it at home.... I guarantee he will be stuck talking to the ugly girl of the group that nobody wants and will have to listen to her cry all night into her g and t when she keeps asking him why she can't maintain a relationship.

I refuse to believe that this post is written by a woman.

I agree. Misogynistic BS

He understands perfectly it’s wrong - he’s just gaslighting you to convince you that YOU are the problem.

This situation is so far from normal that I’m reading your posts with this face: 😵

Id put folding money on your dh having hooked up with one of this girlie gang himself. You sound quite gullible I’m afraid OP.

Sorry are you a doormat? Because he’s treating you like one! The sheer audacity of “we’re going away with the group of girls that everyone cheated with”. I mean come on??! Does that statement not tell you everything you need to know? Not only is he going away with these girls, he thinks it’s all ok. There will be extra girls as well for him to party with. I think he’s cheated and you just haven’t found out about it. His mates also don’t respect you because if it’s a party for both sexes and you are the only partner not in this group of women they would invite you. Rules are that if he’s going with women and men the wife is always invited. Red flag also he didn’t tell you that they were cheating. What stays on holiday kind of thinking.. I think he’s scared you’re going to find out some little (Or huge) secrets……

Because I can demonstrate that it's important to value your own self worth? Because it is important to make decisions based on facts and not feelings? . . . I just see the world from a different perspective. Give it a try.

If there are women going you should be able to go to.

why do you keep reiterating it’s a lads holiday. It isn’t. It’s a mixed group of people who have all met before. Had drinks, flirted and had affairs.

trying to rationalise you not going by saying only one is a girlfriend is illogical.

I would not be happy with my husband going away with a group of men who see nothing wrong with being unfaithful and a group of women who see nothing wrong with sleeping with married men.

what is there for your husband to do when they are all flirting with each other and being touchy feely?

let’s be realistic. There is no real reason you can’t go other than your husband doesn’t want you to. If he did he would tell his friends your coming and that’s that.

only reason he wouldn’t insist you come as well is if he had is eye on one of the girls last time they met and wants to have a flirt or he doesn’t want you to see what he gets up or He wants to go wild and if you are there he will have to rein himself in.

Indeed.

The whole situation is ridiculous. I suspect OPs husband is not telling her everything about this latest booty trip.

I agree.
Utterly ridiculous.
Not even looking at the bigger picture here; the lack of judgement, the LYING, the dismissal of feelings

Or a mixture of both right? We always say trust your intuition

Besides that: The facts are

He lied
He has poor judgement
He is likely to be impressionable
He is not self aware and lacks emotional intelligence for someone his age

Yes you're right. She should dump him. Then spend years looking for a man who doesn't actually exist. Dye her hair purple and then claim to be a stong independent woman while demonstrating none of those qualities.

My fiancée would absolutely not be going away with a group of girls! If they will all old school friends or something - maybe - but a group of girls they’ve only just met?! What?! Absolutely not and I don’t usually tell him what he can/can’t do, but that’s a massive NO.

Yep @BustyLee
Think we were right! Not a woman!

@Tahoma72

The girls are prob all desperate slags and he will have to watch all his single mates snog them whilst he realises how much better he has it at home.... I guarantee he will be stuck talking to the ugly girl of the group that nobody wants and will have to listen to her cry all night into her g and t when she keeps asking him why she can't maintain a relationship.

You're either a man who hates women or a woman with an incredibly sad dose of internalised misogyny.

What a depressing, archaic and vile way to talk about women.

Because I can demonstrate that it's important to value your own self worth?

You don't have to call other women slags and categories them into ugly / not ugly in order to value yourself. In fact it makes you come across as someone hugely insecure and immature.

Have you got purple hair?

No. It's a mixed group, at least one couple. It's not a lads' trip.

Why aren't you invited?

Who is in the group of girls he doesn't want you to meet?

This is off.

Yep. And regarding the last statement - men have been known to go for the keen and grateful ‘ugly girl’ when they’ve had enough drink and all their mates are at it.

What a bizarre post.