Husbands friendship group are cheaters

[Sunseasand1]

My husband has come back from a weekend away with friends and family last month, where one of the group ended up having an affair, which resulted in the end of his longstanding marriage, and a second friend cheated. None of this information was offered by my husband, who said he was trying to protect them.
I am certain my husband was faithful.
Problem being they are planning another weekend away with the group of girls they met, one of whom is now the new gf of his family member.
My husband is now the only member of the group with a wife, and doesn’t want to miss the weekend away with his family members, one of whom lives abroad. But surely I’m right to be worried and upset about this.

The idiot men are probably buying all the drinks and nights out. Probably funding the bloody holiday 🙄

My DHs mates all tell him how lucky he is that I literally never say "I don't want you to go" to anything at all. Pub with the lads? No problem. Clubbing for a single mate's birthday? Go for it. Stag do in Magaluf or Ibiza? Have a great time! I'm usually good to do 3am pick ups and a party back at our house too.

But this would be a hard not a snowballs chance in hell OP. It's massively disrespectful and my DH would refuse to go himself - he wouldn't need me to tell him it's not ok.

No, fuck that. If it's a mixed holiday then you should be invited - if you're not, he shouldn't go.

OMG this just gets better and better...This is not a serious thread surely!

OP did the holiday start off as just a lads’ holiday? Then maybe the new GF said she’d like to come and bring her gaggle of friends. And the friend thought that sounded like a great idea and his mates, who’d shagged some of them before, thought this would be awesome. Guaranteed sex with 20 year olds! Why would they not want that (creepiness aside)? At this point, unless your DH thought perhaps his luck might be in too, should have said “ok chaps, I’m out, this isn’t the a holiday for a married man”.

He’s either hoping his luck might be in or he is very naive! It’s not even a question of whether you trust him. The holiday is a bit icky really and not at all appropriate for someone in a long term relationship. I have quite loose morals to be honest and even I can see this is highly questionable! 😂

I am the most laid back un jealous person but I would not be ok with this. It makes no sense that one of the girls is now a girlfriend but as a wife you’re not invited. If a girlfriend is invited then you should be too.

So girls are invited, just not you?

Sorry OP but I wouldn't be buying that this is all innocent. Your husband shouldn't be going on a mixed holiday without his wife - its just jaw droppingly outrageous.

'But surely I’m right to be worried and upset about this'

Yes - you are right to be worried and upset about this.

Although there are a few people who feel if you trust your husband then you shouldn't have concerns, I am with everyone else on this. If I were in your situation, I would feel like the wool was being pulled over my eyes.

I know everyone's marriage is different but I wouldn't be able to trust my husband's intentions in the circumstances you have described. It seems like much more than simply wanting to spend time with family. It appears opportunistic!

Wishing you well, OP x

And a group of young girls who's set their standards so low yet they can't even reach them.

why is your husband acting single?

either you go coz girls are going. Or he doesn’t go coz he isn’t single and this isn’t 18-30s, this is life.

YANBU - it’s really grim. I also would assume he is at least flirting and enjoying attention from these women or why would he want to go when everyone else is on the pull?

I know the feeling, and the truth is that, if someone is going to cheat, and in this case a man, then trust me there is no way the woman will know if he plans it well. The problem with trust, and I mean the lack of, is that everything the person does is looked on as dishonest and untrustworthy and there will be times when you are wrong about him. In these times when the other person is not cheating but the stress and unhappiness brought on by the mistrust can put the man in a position where he does cheat even if he was not intending on cheating. This may sound stupid but its true. It's simple, from a woman's point of view does the person you are with make you happy or are they dismissive and cold. Do you feel safe, secure and loved. Do they spend time with you or look to get away at any opportunity. Do they want sex and do you give it. The other thing is, is the man you are with a very high earner. You have to accept or not the fact that men in the 1 percent earners have a much higher chance of cheating and this does not mean he does not love you, it's a pleasure release valve that the stress of the job brings and for some men they need this. If the relationship is strong and the sex life is very good then he may not need to get this from another woman. Lol woman say men are basic. Quite the contrary, men are very different animals

I'd be so disappointed in my DH if he wanted to participate in this mess. I understand that people want to stand by their family and friends despite their personal failings, but you can do that without going off on holidays where temptation will be rife. It's not respectful of your spouse to put yourself in those situations, even if you're not a cheater. I wouldn't do that to him, and I'd expect him to show the same consideration for me.

He's obviously shagging about too

And you. You are also going or else he isn’t going either. Very simple

No no no!! How can you be ok with him going? I would say absolutely not especially knowing what you know and he should respect that.

I don’t think it’s at all appropriate, you should either be invited or he doesn’t go. Seems odd to me.

I’ve had a hard think about this, and I truly think that if my DH said he was going on a boys-only [but now it’s a GF and her young n single mates that have shagged those boys too] holiday, and I was expressly not invited, I’d tell him that the moment he walked out that door, he’d need to start looking for somewhere else to live. When he got back, the locks would be changed and divorce proceedings started.

I cannot ever imagine my DH behaving like this and not appreciating what it would mean to me - and he is currently on the way to the airport in Lisbon with 9 mates, to come home after the boy’s annual golf tour. And before anyone comments - the ‘boys’ (erm all 50+) have all face-timed home, and each other's kids (most of them are godfathers to each others kids), he’s even taken our Portuguese builder out for a drink there with them, as he happens to be home for the weekend to see his parents.

Most men can be trusted, but OP’s sounds like he needs a reality check. And a hard kick up the arse. Oh, and maybe some new friends.

Your husband is perfectly capable of inviting you in this scenario. Indeed it makes sense with the argument 'i want my wife to get to know everyone better'.

He hasn't.

Reflect on why he doesn't want you to be part of the group.

I don’t know any men in their mid-forties who would enjoy genuinely the company of young women in their mid-twenties.

Sounds seedy to me. No good can come if this.

@5128gap YES, exactly this!

I genuinely don't get how people can be so naïve: cheaters don't cheat because you distrust them in the first place! What? Is this even a common opinion? 😱

So @Sunseasand1 when are you and your friends going away with a group of 20+ year old lads then?

I might get slated for this but no I wouldn't be happy about my husband going on a lads holiday that's not actually a lads holiday because a group of 25 year old women are also going... not just that it's not even close friends it's literally women they met a month ago!!! All seems a bit iffy to me

I'd find it weird that he wanted to go more than anything - it sounds like the rest of the group are single or newly coupled up? Odd he'd want to be around that in my opinion.

Why aren't you invited if there are other women going?

I'm sorry but either your husband is already cheating or is planning to. He has been complicit in covering for other members of his pack and I wouldn't trust him, or his friends as far as I could throw them. As for the new GFs friendship group tagging along ? It's ultimatum time I'm afraid. Either he doesn't go or he doesn't stay with you.Hes treating you like a gullible idiot . And by the way...they never have an "affair" on a quick trip away, it starts off as a dirty little one night stand and goes on from there.
His loyalty to and enabling of these other men has already caused a lot of harm . So, I'm sorry to appear so brutal but unless you're prepared to be next on the list of cast off women, you need to take a stand

I'd just tell your husband that since all the others have their partners there it would be a great time for you to get to know them and bond. If he has no bad intentions he won't mind at all.