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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just came into living room asking for sex...

232 replies

thea11 · 15/05/2024 20:31

He does this sometimes, typing it out is going to make me feel sick. He'll go and have a shower then come in the living room with a hard on and ask for sex. If I'm in a good mood I will (reluctantly) do it, but today, I've had a shit day, I'm knackered from work, I'm hot and sweaty folding up washing and still wearing my work clothes.

He swanned in late from work, I made his dinner in between putting both kids to bed (aged 4 and 9 months), and he comes home, eats his dinner knowing I'm pissed off from a hard day, then has the audacity to ask me to have sex with him!! WTAF!? - does anyone else's husband do this?

OP posts:
TheBOAT · 16/05/2024 19:10

TypingoftheDead · 16/05/2024 18:13

It wouldn’t be OP’s fault if he did cheat - some people give their partners all the sex and attention they ask for and still get cheated on. It’s more a question of entitlement on the cheater’s part.

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But in this case it would be her fault.

TheBOAT · 16/05/2024 19:14

Starseeking · 15/05/2024 23:43

That sounds like a complete turn-off to me. He couldn't even kiss and hug you a little bit before moving to the sex part?!? I don't I've ever had a man apropos of nothing behave in that way, urgh.

For most normal people hugging and kissing is part of having sex. It's not just sticking the p in the v.

TheBOAT · 16/05/2024 19:17

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 15/05/2024 23:05

Depends what time he gets back? I assumed it was like my dad, who generally ate later as he got in late from his v senior job (but to be fair he made it himself after he had helped with the rest of bedtime)

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What a sad life your father had. He was out there working his butt off to support the family, and your mother couldn't even add an extra piece of chicken in the pot for him?

TheBOAT · 16/05/2024 19:19

SmileyClare · 15/05/2024 21:03

If he’d come in, seen you’re knackered, hot, still in your work clothes and knee deep in laundry; he should have asked how you are, run you a bath and offered to put the laundry away and wash up- then he might have been in with a chance.

Read the room mate 😂

He managed his own shower, not sure why she needs a slave to run her a bath.

GingerPirate · 16/05/2024 20:01

LakeSnake · 16/05/2024 11:37

It’s not the timing. It’s everything around it.
The lack of help.
The lack of consideration fir his partner
The inability to ‘see’ his partner was exhausted and running around whilst he did fuck all.

It’s not the sex. It’s not the timing. It’s the disrespect and the inequality in treatment that means women end up feeling like a piece of meat there to calm a man’s sexual urge

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👆
And yes, I hated sex all my life.
😊

GingerPirate · 16/05/2024 20:07

mambojambodothetango · 16/05/2024 09:27

This puts it perfectly.

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🤢

exaltedwombat · 17/05/2024 17:55

"DH just came into living room asking for sex..."

I really thought this was going to be '...please excuse the inaccurate typing...' :-)

Middleagedspreadisreal · 17/05/2024 18:05

No. Thankfully!

MarvellousMonsters · 17/05/2024 18:24

My ex used to do similar things.

It's one of the reasons he's my ex.

cremebrulait · 17/05/2024 18:41

ThinkingOfMe · 16/05/2024 03:47

What a low bar. How poor your relationship must be.

All she had to do was say no? All he had to do think how his wife might be feeling! He showed a total lack of thought for how she would be feeling at that moment.

He failed to see that he was in a very different place to what she was. He’d finished work, ate dinner that was made for him, got out of his work clothes and had time to himself to get showered. No kids, no housework. Meanwhile OP was still in work clothes after a bad day, hadn’t yet had a minute to herself with cooking, putting the kids to bed and sorting laundry.

A decent, loving husband would be in tune with his wife to know that she was stressed and not going to be up for sex at that moment. A decent, loving husband would have told his wife to go and get changed and let her chill out whilst he finished the laundry.

Then maybe the night would have led to sex, or maybe just a vent about her shit day and her falling asleep on his shoulder. She’d then think what a lovely husband she has and chances are, she’d want to have sex with him when she wasn’t busy and having a shit day.

All he could think about was what he ‘needed’ at that time. It’s selfish and very unattractive.

As for, "If he's not shagging you, he's shagging someone else". How about, if he isn’t considerate, he’ll be out the fucking door? Women aren’t sex toys for men. It’s about being on the same page. Sex is great with a partner who thinks about their partners needs outside of the bedroom. When men do that, they’re far more likely to have a partner who wants sex with them. Men like OPs husband are too selfish to realise that.

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Great essay. Are just pissed off at men or do you really get all this from a man wanting to shag his wife and being awkward? Fascinating. @ThinkingOfMe I think you were spot on.

OhcantthInkofaname · 17/05/2024 18:51

The best aphrodisiac is a clean kitchen.

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 18:59

cremebrulait · 17/05/2024 18:41

Great essay. Are just pissed off at men or do you really get all this from a man wanting to shag his wife and being awkward? Fascinating. @ThinkingOfMe I think you were spot on.

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Urgh the INCELS have arrived.

I’m not a man hater and I doubt anyone else here is. In fact I love sex.

Its not much to expect to be treated respectfully by the person you’re shagging though.

The fact he called her a “moody prick” when she rejected his request says it all.

cohwupshun · 17/05/2024 19:12

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 18:59

Urgh the INCELS have arrived.

I’m not a man hater and I doubt anyone else here is. In fact I love sex.

Its not much to expect to be treated respectfully by the person you’re shagging though.

The fact he called her a “moody prick” when she rejected his request says it all.

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he didn't call her a moody prick. on the night he said "i only asked". next day he asked why she was moody and she called him a prick for asking that - look at the placement of the commas - eats, shoots and leaves and all that.

i think anyone at either extreme of this debate are getting it wrong tbh, the middle ground being that it is a communication issue. I don't normally appreciate the "use your words" posts but I honestly think that would be the best advice here.

fetchacloth · 17/05/2024 19:19

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 15/05/2024 20:57

I think I’d burst out laughing to be honest. There would be no sex.

Yes I think I would laugh too, followed by an eye-roll. 🙄

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 19:21

Ok fair enough about the moody, prick, thing.

anyone at either extreme of this debate is getting it wrong. That goes for most of AIBU threads on here really 😂
The reasoned responses are the rational ones.

The posts defending this “poor” man and his feelings are quite laughable though.

cohwupshun · 17/05/2024 19:28

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 19:21

Ok fair enough about the moody, prick, thing.

anyone at either extreme of this debate is getting it wrong. That goes for most of AIBU threads on here really 😂
The reasoned responses are the rational ones.

The posts defending this “poor” man and his feelings are quite laughable though.

Not sure, really - it isn't just men who are inconsiderate - women can go home and be self centred too - if it were the women who had gone home, had a shower and then asked her husband if he fancied a shag, and had had as a result 24 hours of cold shoulder and fury without much verbal explanation, whose side would you be on?! I think most posts would be LTB

(Most men probably wouldn't refuse such an offer though so this isn't an entirely realistic scenario)

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 19:53

It’s not much for any person in a couple to want to be treated with some consideration and respect- you know like an actual person.

I say well done to op for finally saying no when she doesn’t want to have sex.

And for telling him why- she doesn’t appreciate him asking for sex by walking in a room hard on first. ..The lazy man’s way of initiating sex. She doesn’t want that. It doesn’t matter if other posters don’t mind that- she finds it a turn off.

It’s as deluded as men who think sending dic pics will get women wet and gagging for it.

Havinganamechange · 17/05/2024 20:10

supercalafragilisticexpealidocious · 15/05/2024 20:37

I would highly doubt anyone else's DH does that

@supercalafragilisticexpealidocious my DH doesn’t do this but I have heard similar stories to OPs from quite a few people….i should imagine it’s more common that you think

tigerchilli · 17/05/2024 20:38

"does anyone else's husband do this?"

Yes, but he's now my ex-husband 😀

Doubledenim305 · 17/05/2024 20:49

Spell it out to him what he needs to do to even stand a chance. Laundry, bed kids, serve u dinner, tidy up whilst you have a long relaxing soak in the bath. Then shower u with compliments and make u feel a million dollars.
Spell it out to him. Tell him not to bother asking otherwise.
Ps working late also rings alarm bells but that might be and probably is totally unfounded.

TeaGinandFags · 17/05/2024 21:09

Making you feel loved and cherished involves doing the housework so you're not over tired all the time.

That may be why your sex drive is so low: you go to work to come home to another shift.

Inform him that if he did the domestic duites for you the way you do for him then maybe he'd be in with a chance. Only he'd be the one knackered.

Try it and see what happens ...

linsey2581 · 17/05/2024 21:27

igomeow · 15/05/2024 20:43

Not going to lie but my husband is a bit like this.. He'll walk out of the shower and say something I long the line of BABE.. Do you fancy a game of hide the sausage. Is it awful that I find it funny?!? Is your husband aware that you hate it and want a bit of romance?

Yup! I also have a husband like this and if he did this I would burst out laughing. I think it’s hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 23:14

linsey2581 · 17/05/2024 21:27

Yup! I also have a husband like this and if he did this I would burst out laughing. I think it’s hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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If the timings right- sure it might be funny. Not sure I’d be crying with laughter in hysterics though, especially after the hundredth time. 😬

Joke or serious request, it’s all about timing isn’t it? Jokes land well when you have a feel for the audience and as already pointed out you “read the room” . I’d expect a tiny bit of self awareness!

linsey2581 · 18/05/2024 07:37

SmileyClare · 17/05/2024 23:14

If the timings right- sure it might be funny. Not sure I’d be crying with laughter in hysterics though, especially after the hundredth time. 😬

Joke or serious request, it’s all about timing isn’t it? Jokes land well when you have a feel for the audience and as already pointed out you “read the room” . I’d expect a tiny bit of self awareness!

Edited
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Oh stuff the timing and unwind your knickers (don’t pardon the pun)!
Life’s too short. Live life and laugh! 😆

SmileyClare · 18/05/2024 09:34

linsey2581 · 18/05/2024 07:37

Oh stuff the timing and unwind your knickers (don’t pardon the pun)!
Life’s too short. Live life and laugh! 😆

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Jesus. Life’s too short to think about other people’s feelings before you get your cock out?

You need to work on your delivery and timing mate- your comments just sound inane on this thread 😂

Lifes too short for trite clichés 😉