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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband gay?

170 replies

SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 16:47

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

DH came home from work one evening and seemed to be unusually chirpy and quite flushed. I was going out that evening so didn't really have time to chat, but he seemed different somehow. It played on my mind. When I got home he was asleep with his phone next to him.

I'm not proud of myself but I looked at his phone. I was horrified to see that he had joined a gay dating site. Actually he'd joined more than one.

We had a horrible conversation, and he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage. He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's apologised and has since started counselling. After each session I've asked if he's wanted to share what they've spoken about, and so far it hasn't been about his relationship with men. He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do or think, it's just so bewildering. He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship, but I feel so lost at the moment.

OP posts:
Terramom · 15/05/2024 16:54

I think he might be bisexual and even if not, your relationship sounds dead in the water. I’d move on. Sorry Op.

category12 · 15/05/2024 17:04

I don't think work stress or losing his job should be a reason you don't deal with him going on dating sites.

It's a bizarre segue way to go from "rough time at work" to "must try to cheat on my wife".

You're a bit too busy thinking about his feelings.

Watchkeys · 15/05/2024 17:11

If you can't talk to your spouse about a problem within your relationship and reach a conclusion that satisfies you and that you trust, your problem isn't the one you think you have.

furtherthsnthewest · 15/05/2024 17:15

Gay, straight or bisexual isn't the issue here. The issue is he's joined a dating site. You need to decide if you want to be in a marriage where your husband is making moves to cheat

How shit for you OP but this needs to be what you want not him

Gettingbysomehow · 15/05/2024 17:18

If he can't get it up for you and joins male dating sites then he is gay. Obviously.
Is his family very religious or anti-gay?

Watchkeys · 15/05/2024 17:20

Gettingbysomehow · 15/05/2024 17:18

If he can't get it up for you and joins male dating sites then he is gay. Obviously.
Is his family very religious or anti-gay?

He might not even know himself if he's gay or not, so nobody here can declare that he is.

Kachew · 15/05/2024 17:28

Agree with PP's, it's the cheating/intention to cheat/betrayal that's the real issue here and there is no reason/context which makes it acceptable imo. If he's confused or ashamed about his sexuality that's sad for him but it doesn't excuse him putting you in the crossfire.

I think it's going to take time for you to come to terms with what's happening here rather than it being a clear cut LTB situation so some therapy for you would probably be a really good idea, you have a lot to think about/work through and it will be very tough to do that on your own Flowers

Original poster
SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 17:59

Thank you. You’re all making a lot of sense, and tbh when I do bring it up he really confuses me. He says things like let’s go out for a romantic meal and get the spark back in our relationship, and then nothing happens.

I know he’s concentrating on finding work, and it makes me feel so guilty to bring this up when he needs a job.

It’s just dawned on me that he was going to cheat on me, and it doesn’t matter what his sexuality is, it’s the fact he was willing to put our relationship on the line.

OP posts:
TR888 · 15/05/2024 18:08

Yes but his sexual orientation adds another layer to the cheating, in that he's not been open as to the kind of person you thought you'd married.

OP, if you were stressed due to the circumstances he's under, would your reaction be to join a lesbian dating site?

Last thing - you say he's not working. So, you're supporting him financially and emotionally, when he's looking for gay sex in multiple sites. How would he pay for the hotels for these sites - with your money?

I think you'd be much much better off without him.

blackcherryconserve · 15/05/2024 18:08

Sounds just like my (gay) exh. Don't believe the bi story - that's what exh said to me too and he promptly met up with another man. Good riddance to bad rubbish - it turned out he'd been lying to me for six years and had been having sex with his then best mate.

WoodBurningStov · 15/05/2024 18:11

furtherthsnthewest · 15/05/2024 17:15

Gay, straight or bisexual isn't the issue here. The issue is he's joined a dating site. You need to decide if you want to be in a marriage where your husband is making moves to cheat

How shit for you OP but this needs to be what you want not him

I was going to say exactly this

ToBeOrNotToBee · 15/05/2024 18:13

Is he gay?
Probably not.

Is he bisexual?
Most likely.

Does it matter?
That's for you to decide and only you.
He's clearly not in a good headspace to be a good partner at the moment, and it's entirely up to you how you respond.

SandysMam · 15/05/2024 18:27

Is there anything in you that feels a tiny bit excited that this might be the end of your relationship and you could move on to someone who actually wants you? Or to no one at all but just not have to be with him.
I used to wish my ex would cheat on me so I could find a reason to leave. Dig deep and if this glimmer is there then you would be absolutely perfectly reasonable to leave him for this, even if no sex has taken place. You owe him nothing Op, if this could be the excuse you’re looking for, run for the door with a clear conscience, this is all on him, not you, lost job or not.

P.S and yes, he wants to have sex with men

Watchkeys · 15/05/2024 18:33

He says things like let’s go out for a romantic meal

Aren't you paying for that though? It's not so romantic if he's suggesting you buy him dinner, is it?

SandysMam · 15/05/2024 18:38

Actually, he can be the one to use the door, you should stay in the house. He’s the one who’s done this! See a lawyer asap.

Opentooffers · 15/05/2024 18:38

If you could seek out his ex, I'm sure a chat with her would be enlightening , sounds like things went the same way with her.
Learn from this, if sex is crap from the start, there's no point bothering, and I don't know why any would, to the extent of marriage.

takemeawayagain · 15/05/2024 18:42

I'd assume he's gay if he never had any real interest in sex with you or his ex, I also expect if he was with a bloke there suddenly wouldn't be any ED issues.

He is a lying.cheating loser OP. Don't get caught up in trying to work out if he's straight, bi or gay, it's just a distraction from the fact that this is never going to work and he's a weak pathetic man who'd rather sleep around behind his wife's back than face up to what he actually is.

StedeBonnet · 15/05/2024 18:45

I think the fact he joined a number of gay dating sites probably answers your question OP?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 18:46

I don't understand what's so confusing. Your husband is most likely gay and is definitely a cheat, end of story. I'm sure his ex-wife has a very, very similar story to tell.

Run for your life and don't squander another minute on him.

sosolonglondon · 15/05/2024 19:00

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 18:46

I don't understand what's so confusing. Your husband is most likely gay and is definitely a cheat, end of story. I'm sure his ex-wife has a very, very similar story to tell.

Run for your life and don't squander another minute on him.

Hard agree. He’s telling you what’s convenient, not what’s true.

whichwayisup · 15/05/2024 19:26

Yes, he's gay. And you need to extract yourself from his feelings and tune in to your own. He's done quite a number on you when you are the one here that is feeling guilty and don't want to mention it. Forget his sexuality, he's treating you very badly. Life will only be better without this horrible lying emotionally abusive man in your life.

Leafalotta · 15/05/2024 19:33

I'm not sure why posters are saying he's likely bisexual. He's barely ever shown sexual interest in his wife and he's cheered up after going on gay dating sites. The truth is in front of your nose.

I don't agree with pp that it's immaterial who he cheats with, man or woman. I think you are on a different journey from someone whose husband cheats with another woman, with a different set of complexities to come to terms with. But I do agree that your marriage is over.

VerlynWebbe · 15/05/2024 19:40

I think it's ok to have compassion for someone who's discovering their sexuality late in life. That isn't easy and there's a lot to unpack for him, but you don't have to do that emotional labour if he's on dating sites. That's the betrayal, the dating sites, not the fact of him being queer.

It depends on your boundaries, really. You could split amicably, or it could be messy: you're both going to need him to be really, really honest.

LamonicBibber1 · 15/05/2024 19:41

I joined some hamster owner sites, because I have a hamster and want to know all about it, I want to feed it right, take it for walks in it's little ball, chat to other hamster enthusiastse and so on..

...Oh wait, no I didn't actually, I wouldn't need to join a hamster owners site because I do not own a hamster .

....do you follow what I mean?!

Original poster
SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 19:44

Unfortunately it’s hard to tell when he’s being honest. He does seem to change his mind about the sites and how long he’s been on them. I don’t think he knows who he is, and I guess if he’s so deep in that closet it’s hard to come out in public.

Really appreciate everyone’s support x

OP posts: