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Original poster

Is my husband gay?

170 replies

SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 16:47

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

DH came home from work one evening and seemed to be unusually chirpy and quite flushed. I was going out that evening so didn't really have time to chat, but he seemed different somehow. It played on my mind. When I got home he was asleep with his phone next to him.

I'm not proud of myself but I looked at his phone. I was horrified to see that he had joined a gay dating site. Actually he'd joined more than one.

We had a horrible conversation, and he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage. He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's apologised and has since started counselling. After each session I've asked if he's wanted to share what they've spoken about, and so far it hasn't been about his relationship with men. He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do or think, it's just so bewildering. He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship, but I feel so lost at the moment.

OP posts:
Jennybeans401 · 15/05/2024 23:02

I think by confronting him openly he's now going to be more careful so you might not find any more evidence of cheating. But he's cheating on you or planning to...to me it sounds like he's met up with someone. He's gay and hasn't accepted it himself.

Just end it, its cheating and no ifs no buts.

JanefromLondon1 · 15/05/2024 23:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Copperoliverbear · 15/05/2024 23:03

I think he is gay and trying to hide it, I'd ask him to leave

NewMe2024 · 15/05/2024 23:04

furtherthsnthewest · 15/05/2024 17:15

Gay, straight or bisexual isn't the issue here. The issue is he's joined a dating site. You need to decide if you want to be in a marriage where your husband is making moves to cheat

How shit for you OP but this needs to be what you want not him

His sexuality is the issue though. If he’s gay then the marriage isn’t salvageable unless OP is happy to resign herself to a sexless marriage.

Toptotoe · 15/05/2024 23:08

He is obviously gay - he doesn’t sound bisexual. I think the lack of sex for 3 years would cause me to quit the marriage but finding out he is on a dating site would be the final straw . . .

Alicewinn · 15/05/2024 23:10

You sound like a really nice understanding person but yes he needs to be very honest, so you know as much as he does.
He's cheating because he's full of shame about being gay, and probably disowned that part of himself.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 23:16

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

The fact that you let that go on without challenge or ultimatum..and now, having found out all this, feel you shouldn't push discussing it because he's stressed because he's lost his job; suggests there is an unequal power dynamic in your relationship.

And that you're very invested and very passive; he knows you'll not push the sex life issue or end the marriage because of it, he knows he can stone wall you about his previous sexual experiences with men and not answer simple questions about it, he thinks he can gas light you about why he joined gay hookup sites (again), he knows you'll hang around while he goes to counselling - in which he hasn't even broached the subject of his sexual orientation (how many sessions in?) and you won't crack up/press the issue, he knows you haven't left or told him to leave ...in spite of the fact many ppl would, if they discovered what you have. He knows that if he plays the stressed card, you won't push any discussion about your marriage. He knows he can withdraw/contradict statements about his orientation (being bi) and you won't challenge that.

No wonder he thinks you'll stay, take whatever behaviour he gives you, believe what BS he says and continue with no sex live (apparently cause he doesn't want sex with his partner after a year or two ..... Even if he was hetero (he's not) ..that would not be acceptable most ppl in a relationship).

You do not have a remotely equal relationship. You sound submissive or worn down or something, sorry.

He deserved to be chucked out, but he's still there; with you gently enquiring about whether he wants to talk about his counselling (in which he still hasn't seen fit to mention that he, a married man, has been on gay hook up sites, and not even for the first time while married to a woman) and saying you can't push him to discuss your marriage because he's stressed about his job loss.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 15/05/2024 23:16

I'm inclined to think he's gay. He may not be sure, or he may be deep in denial. From what he said about joining a gay dating site during his first marriage, it wouldn't surprise me if his ex-wife knows. It's not unusual for gay men in denial to move onto another relationship with another woman to prove to themselves that they're not gay.

My ex initially said he was bi, then gay, then he denied he'd ever said that. All our problems were my fault. He now lives with his male partner.

As lots of other people have said, his actual sexual orientation is less of an issue in many ways than his attitude and joining a dating site.

However, I do think that finding out your partner is gay can mess with your head in a different way to "standard" relationship issues. Nobody really gets it like other people who have been through it.

If you'd like support, OP, here are the contact details for a group in the UK.

Is my husband gay?
Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 23:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Well not really, cause he doesn't actually shag his wives - after the initial period.

And it sounds like he could barely get it up for them even when he did.

They're supposed to settle for a sexless relationship... While he cruises gay hook up sites.

Lilacdew · 15/05/2024 23:19

I'd assume a partner was gay from that. The ED and bad sex and similar issues in previous LTR with a woman suggest he just isn't into women physically. Is there a reason why he would find it difficult to be openly gay? Is he from a religious, social or cultural background that represses gay sexuality?

Iaskedyouthrice · 15/05/2024 23:23

Agree with @Saratoga212 . Come on OP, he doesn't give a shit about how this is affecting you, it is all about him and his 'shame'.
Why are you clinging on to this marriage? Do you think this is all you are worth? He is not a nice man.
That night he came back flushed and excitable was because he had met up with someone. You know that though don't you? Don't hide in the closet with him for Gods sake, it's no way to live. Stand up for yourself or this man will take you down without a second thought.

Original poster
SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 23:46

Iaskedyouthrice · 15/05/2024 23:23

Agree with @Saratoga212 . Come on OP, he doesn't give a shit about how this is affecting you, it is all about him and his 'shame'.
Why are you clinging on to this marriage? Do you think this is all you are worth? He is not a nice man.
That night he came back flushed and excitable was because he had met up with someone. You know that though don't you? Don't hide in the closet with him for Gods sake, it's no way to live. Stand up for yourself or this man will take you down without a second thought.

I guess I’m clinging on to this relationship as I’ve had so many failed relationships in the past. My first husband was an alcoholic, my second a drug addict and now this. I can’t believe that I didn’t know there was something wrong, and I feel so ashamed that I’ve made yet another mistake.

I was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer at about the same time that I found out, so dealing with everything has been hard, and I really didn’t need what he’s done.

I hear what you’re all saying, and I thank you for your comments, especially the brutally honest ones. I do need a kick up the backside to move on x

OP posts:
Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 23:52

I'm so sorry op, I would not have written what I wrote in that way if I'd known that. No wonder you don't feel capable of tackling this.

ShrubRose · 15/05/2024 23:54

Don't feel ashamed, OP. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
Get as much help for yourself as you can.
Get counseling, see a solicitor, follow all the medical protocols, anything that helps and supports.
Sending compassion and good wishes.
💗

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 23:55

I do need a kick up the backside to move on

Noone could blame you one iota for not focusing on your h and his issues. They could certainly take a back seat, even if he is getting away with it as such.

Musntapplecrumble · 15/05/2024 23:57

We're all supporting you, lovely. Hope you're getting the treatment you need 💐

Original poster
SaffySinging · 16/05/2024 00:00

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 23:52

I'm so sorry op, I would not have written what I wrote in that way if I'd known that. No wonder you don't feel capable of tackling this.

Edited

Please don’t apologise. I asked you guys and you were honest in your reply. I really do appreciate that x

OP posts:
Saratoga212 · 16/05/2024 00:01

I can’t believe that I didn’t know there was something wrong, and I feel so ashamed that I’ve made yet another mistake.

His first wife made the same "mistake".

And thousands of other women.

It's not your mistake, and its not theirs.

No-one has a man pursue and enter into a relationship with them assuming he's gay or bi.

Few women (who haven't been through it) suspect men who present as heterosexual and pursue a relationship/marriage with them; are actually bi or gay.

It's his deception & dysfunction, not your mistake.

It sounds like he didn't even tell you a thing about his "past" sexual encounter with a man or about going on gay sites in his previous marriage.... Until you caught him in yours. He lied by omission about some very significant things.

Saratoga212 · 16/05/2024 00:12

You haven't made a mistake and you're not to blame.

There are a certain percentage of MSM (men who have sex with men but identify as heterosexual) and closet bi and gay men in the population; probably a higher percentage than most would guess. I know gay men (and I've read posters on here say similar) who say that a large portion of their sexual partners are attached men in hetero relationships). Unfortunately that means women have a decent chance of being involved with one. When they deceive women, it's not the woman's mistake or responsibility. It's a type of fraud, but where people are not expecting and not prepared for fraud.

QueenBitch666 · 16/05/2024 00:15

He's gay
STI check
Ducks in a row

TheSnakeCharmer · 16/05/2024 00:16

I would say that he may well be gay or may not wish to admit that to himself so is playing the bi card to keep you.

Unfortunately my mother went through similar with my father. She ignored all the signs and buried her head in the sand. My father was petrified of losing her because he needed her to keep up his pretence and also actually needed a mother figure in his life.

He clearly has slept with men before, hence his refusal to open up to you.
He has previously cheated on his first wife.
He has cheated on you (almost certainly with a man!). He hasn't just joined those sites for a gander. And he certainly hasn't because he had a tough time at work.

Please don't be emotionally manipulated into staying by playing the role of a mother figure caring for her depressed stress confused vulnerable child. He's not! My mother went through all of that. He threatened to kill himself etc..it transpired that he had another house and a partner of 7 years. You're not responsible for his mental health. He has family and other friends to look put for him. You need to put your own oxygen mask on first. And then run!

EnglishBluebell · 16/05/2024 00:22

@SaffySinging You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP Flowers IF he IS gay, then you know there's no way of ever having been what it is that he's looking for. Nothing you could or can possibly do. I've had these realisations myself. Trying to find ways to blame myself when the reality is that there isn't any blame to apportion onto me. There's also no way you could ever have known and you still wouldn't if you hadn't been brave enough to look at his phone (which every woman on the planet would've done in your shoes). Again, IF he's gay then he's always been so. Which means he will always have been hiding it. Therefore he's now a master at hiding it so don't try blaming yourself for not seeing it earlier because you couldn't possibly have done without being a mind reader.

DeeCeeCherry · 16/05/2024 00:36

He's gay and you're a beard. It's obvious. I bet his 1st wife would have a story to tell. Get rid of him OP he's not worth all this angst. & he's massively disrespected you by using you to hide who he really is. Leave him to his gay dating sites

Iaskedyouthrice · 16/05/2024 00:43

SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 23:46

I guess I’m clinging on to this relationship as I’ve had so many failed relationships in the past. My first husband was an alcoholic, my second a drug addict and now this. I can’t believe that I didn’t know there was something wrong, and I feel so ashamed that I’ve made yet another mistake.

I was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer at about the same time that I found out, so dealing with everything has been hard, and I really didn’t need what he’s done.

I hear what you’re all saying, and I thank you for your comments, especially the brutally honest ones. I do need a kick up the backside to move on x

Show quote history

You are a warrior. Revolve your life around what makes YOU happy. Not men who do not deserve you. You attract these men because you are kind, thoughful and willing to put your needs at the bottom of the pile. That's NOTHING to be ashamed of. It's time you put yourself first.

whichwayisup · 16/05/2024 06:46

Saffy I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer. You should do whatever is good for you and your health right now.

To everyone else that is saying he is ashamed of being gay... That's not always the case. There are men who don't consider themselves gay because they don't want a romantic/emotional relationship with a man... They are attracted to women emotionally and romantically but they like to have sex with other men.