Is my husband gay?

[SaffySinging]

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

DH came home from work one evening and seemed to be unusually chirpy and quite flushed. I was going out that evening so didn't really have time to chat, but he seemed different somehow. It played on my mind. When I got home he was asleep with his phone next to him.

I'm not proud of myself but I looked at his phone. I was horrified to see that he had joined a gay dating site. Actually he'd joined more than one.

We had a horrible conversation, and he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage. He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's apologised and has since started counselling. After each session I've asked if he's wanted to share what they've spoken about, and so far it hasn't been about his relationship with men. He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do or think, it's just so bewildering. He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship, but I feel so lost at the moment.

Suggesting the OP's husband become a rent boy. Have you ever suggested any of the many heterosexual men and women who cheat on their partners become sex workers?

I would suggest anyone who does repeated casual hook ups with varied randoms off the internet; might be better making some money doing it; rather than living off the person they're cheating on cause they don't have a job.

Of course that would be women or gay men only, there is an extremely limited market for heterosexual men selling sex

And besides rent boy was used because his sexuality is entirely relevant here ... because he is a gay or bi man repeatedly using women as BEARDS.

which is an assumption in itself- many gay men don't have anal sex).

Oh I'm well aware; I have gay mates ....you are one to talk about assumptions. Similar to about the other poster you reported in your personal "anti homophobia" crusade on this thread.

disgustingly vulgar

Welcome to MN.

Your focus in this thread is very strange.

A presumption about the sexual proclivities of the OP's husband.

A reasonable assumption, he isn't doing hook ups with men off the internet behind his wife.and ex girlfriend's back to discuss Voltaire.

It may not be illegal but I get the impression from various people who've lived there or grown up there that there can be quite a macho, "traditional", bigoted culture. "Very boorish with a lot of (female) sex work and sexual exploitation" - was how one woman I know who worked around various places over two years described it.

Maybe it has affected the likelihood of him ever coming out/being honest about his sexuality.

Yes, you did, and you followed it with "(sorry to be crass)" or "(sorry to be crude)"- I can't remember the exact word you used.

The fact that it is not the exact same phrase is entirely the point I was making. Chicken (head) may mean the same as cocksucker, but the precise word 'cocksucker' is only used at a homophobic slur directed at gay men.

Nope.

I did not write what you wrote.

And I think you've derailed this thread with your personal crusade more than enough, so I won't be engaging further on it.

I suggest you ask your gay mates how they'd feel about being called a cocksucker. And if you're aware that not all gay men have anal sex, why are you assuming that the OP's husband has, and that he's the receptive partner?

I've been on mumsnet a long time, and I've read very few comments which were quite as vulgar as yours.

Why is it strange that I, a lesbian, would be objecting to homophobia?

Luckily, I have a copy of the comment of yours that I reported from the confirmation email I received from mumsnet. Your exact words:

Most women would kick his arse even harder than he'll have been fucked in it by his online sex partners (sorry to be crude) out of their property and life

Is there a reason you think having a personal crusade against homophobia is a bad thing?

It's definitely a homophobic term.

No-one aims a dig at a straight person giving oral. No straight man is going to be called a carpet muncher in the same way no straight woman is going to be called a cocksucker. It's not a slur in either case, but is when applied to gay people.

@SaffySinging Please do not feel sorry for him or let him confuse you further. The level of lies and deceit he’s fed you over the years is unforgivable. He’s known exactly who he is but lied about it and no doubt let you question things for years. He’s also most likely put your sexual health at risk over the years and I would absolutely be ending the relationship without question.

I’m sorry you’ve found out but well done for doing so and giving him his marching orders. He’s cheated on you your whole marriage, it doesn’t matter if male female or blue alien. You don’t owe him any sympathy for hiding he is gay.
You deserve better and tell everyone why he left. It isn’t your shame to hide.

Yes he’s gay. He wants to have sex with other men. He doesn’t want sex with a woman. It’s the end of the marriage - you know that x

Well he’s joined dating sites so I wouldn’t care about the is he gay a husband who is into his wife doesn’t join gay dating sites. It would be over for me, they are obviously giving him some sort of pleasure op or he wouldn’t have fascination with them would he, you are worth so much more than this. He’s putting your relationship on the line. He’s into men he’s done it before. Kick him out

"many gay men don't have anal sex"

Sorry what did you mean?
They still partake. Giver or receiver, or top or bottom, or whatever the current pc terminology is these days.

Not all. But many, most.

What I mean is what I said- some gay men do not partake in anal sex at all, neither as tops or bottoms. They only partake in oral or manual sex.

There are 4 billion men in the world; at a conservative estimate, 3% are gay. That's 120 million men.

Different studies quote different percentages of gay men who do have anal sex- the lowest estimate I've read is 35%, the highest is 80%. Even if 80% of gay men do have anal sex, that leaves 24 million gay men who don't.

So, as I said, many men. Or would you not describe 24 million as 'many'?

I know two men who had a sexual relationship at work: one gay man who was out and proud, and one married man who was in the closet and up for rendezvous. 🤫☕️ I didn't realize it at the time; they hid it well. The gay man is a good friend of mine. I used to ask the married colleague about his wife when we were on breaks together or out for coffee with my good friend, and he would just joke about her, which I found odd. Until my friend told me what was going on, I was so disgusted and disappointed in them both. Funnily enough, he was Australian. 🇦🇺🦘 His excuse was that his family couldn't know and that it was an arranged marriage. I transferred to another area because I couldn't watch it go on. I haven't been as close to my good friend since.

It's awful the impact it has on the wife and family—the lies, laughing, and joking. 😢💔 The health implications are awful. I can't imagine what you must be going through as a wife. Have you had yourself tested for STDs? Men do not like condoms, so I would make that a priority ASAP. 🚫😷

Look after yourself; put yourself first. 💪❤️

He has been looking out for number one all these years. 😒👎

My heart goes out to you. 💌 #Support #Strength #Healing