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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my husband gay?

170 replies

SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 16:47

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

DH came home from work one evening and seemed to be unusually chirpy and quite flushed. I was going out that evening so didn't really have time to chat, but he seemed different somehow. It played on my mind. When I got home he was asleep with his phone next to him.

I'm not proud of myself but I looked at his phone. I was horrified to see that he had joined a gay dating site. Actually he'd joined more than one.

We had a horrible conversation, and he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage. He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's apologised and has since started counselling. After each session I've asked if he's wanted to share what they've spoken about, and so far it hasn't been about his relationship with men. He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do or think, it's just so bewildering. He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship, but I feel so lost at the moment.

OP posts:

NetMum2 · 15/05/2024 19:47

He’s telling you what you want to hear. If my husband joined a dating site (doesn't matter if its straight or gay) I’d be very upset! If someone is making moves to cheat they should have the decency to end their current situation first. It’s disrespectful.

EarthSight · 15/05/2024 19:53

he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

I'm sorry OP, but he must think very lowly of you to even think someone could believe this. It's pathetic and ridiculous.

He's likely a closeted gay or bisexual man who wanted to get his clandestine thrills on the side whilst in a settled relationship with a woman. This would be over for me.

whichwayisup · 15/05/2024 19:57

He likes having sex with men. He's known about his preference before he met you, when he met you and unless he told you ..eh by the way i do much prefer sex with men, then he's conned you into marriage. He has absolutely been having sex with other men, he's still lying to you because he actually... Like many married men... Wants to be married to a woman for a wife and kids situation but also wants sex with men. He knows the chances are you won't be up for that in the same way his ex wasn't and so that's why he has lied. When you found him on gay dating sites it wasn't the first time. He was looking forward to coming home to do what he does when you are out. He was chirpy with a wee skip in his step because he was looking forward to having sex with other men.

Sorry, harsh, but this isn't a reluctant late in life coming out.... It's a... Let's just carry on the way we were, maybe if i do a lot of emotional abusive tying you in emotional knots then you will just burry this right back under the carpet where I thought we'd both agreed to leave it... Remember when we put the fact I don't like having sex with you under there and you agreed that was the best place for it?

Watchkeys · 15/05/2024 20:06

Unfortunately it’s hard to tell when he’s being honest

Then your relationship is unhealthy, regardless of any other circumstances.

Footzok · 15/05/2024 20:11

At the end of the day you need to LTB. Whatever his orientation he’s a lying cheat so therapy wont help…..it makes no difference why he is that way. He’s treated you like shit and will never be happy and settled with you when he’s perusing gay websites.

How can you even stand to be around him? I’d be disgusted by his deception. Forget his feelings and end it now. Life is too short.

Definitelynotem · 15/05/2024 21:15

What a stressful situation for you OP. I would insist that he needs to be open about his situation once and for all, there’s no way you can move on when this is constantly at the back of your mind. It’s possible that he doesn’t know himself, but he needs to be honest about where he’s at x

Watchkeys · 15/05/2024 21:18

I would insist that he needs to be open about his situation once and for all

But he lies, so 'insistence' won't remedy that.

Whyoohwhyohwhyyyy · 15/05/2024 21:28

Gay/bisexual/confused... it doesn't matter which one he is. What does matter is the fact that he's joined dating sites, is planning to cheat on you, and hasn't had sex with you in 3 years. And he's still not being honest with you.

I'm so sorry to be blunt, but the relationship is dead.

Frostfable · 15/05/2024 21:32

he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

come on OP

Lostinbrum · 15/05/2024 21:34

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a duck. He can't get it up with you but he's on gay dating sites and has been with a man before. Please save yourself from this marriage. Unless you can suddenly grow a Penis your relationship is over. You deserve better.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 21:46

told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

I can totally identify with this ... Being stressed causes me to change sexual orientation and make moves to cheat on my partner too ..... Well, no actually, it doesn't.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 21:47

told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

Straight men don't go looking for cock just because they're stressed from work. Come on now, op, there's no way you're that naive and gullible.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 21:48

He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

He's gay or bi.

He (maybe) told you the truth saying he's bi ...then he panicked you'd not stay with a bi guy and/or you might tell people in your family, friends etc he's bi; so he backed away from it and tried to say he's straight.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 21:52

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2024 21:47

told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

Straight men don't go looking for cock just because they're stressed from work. Come on now, op, there's no way you're that naive and gullible.

Let me think of the ways I've seen straight men react to stress at work;

Drink more.

Play lots of playstation.

Watch sports.

Play sports/do outdoor pursuits more.

Vent to their partner/mates.

Maybe be a bit withdrawn .....

I'm pretty sure none of them have "turned" gay or bi and joined sites to date & shag other men.

It'll be "depressed" next.

SeismicSalad · 15/05/2024 21:52

SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 19:44

Unfortunately it’s hard to tell when he’s being honest. He does seem to change his mind about the sites and how long he’s been on them. I don’t think he knows who he is, and I guess if he’s so deep in that closet it’s hard to come out in public.

Really appreciate everyone’s support x

I’m so sorry, this sounds really difficult. But I agree with PPs - if he’d joined sites looking for women you (presumably) wouldn’t have any patience with the situation, so why any different for men?

I can sort of imagine myself in your scenario thinking I should support him through his coming out etc - but no, I think he’s put you through enough.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 21:59

he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage.

So he's done this before. It's a pattern.

Did he get caught?
Why did his marriage end? Do you think you have the full story there?

He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's gay or bi.

Hetero men don't meet guys for romance/sex.
He wouldn't go into detail because he doesn't want to ... because it doesn't work, in terms of gas lighting you that's he's straight ..... If he could say "I never had any sexual contact with him", he presumably would. He's being obstructive and not supplying any info/detail because he doesn't want to tell the truth. Which is that it's extremely likely he had sexual interaction with the bloke he met. That was their primary purpose in meeting, I'd imagine.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 22:06

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues

Regardless of whether he's gay or bi, he offers no sex life or a shit sex life .... So (aside from the rather important fact that he's a cheater) it's not exactly a good marriage, is it

You're not old enough to accept that (not that plenty of older people would be happy with a shit or non existent sex life either).

You sound like you could really do with some sex with a (straight) man who doesn't have ED. Which most don't before middle age.

And presuming you don't have kids, how exactly were you going to have them with him?

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 22:10

(I suppose we must say a "probable cheater".).

I think he was back after a session with someone when you noticed his appearance/demeanour.

You have good instincts/are perceptive and twigged immediately that he'd been up to something that he was excited/pleased/stimulated by.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 22:13

It's a good thing you haven't had sex for so long .... You won't have to go straight to the std tests.

It might still be a good idea to get some done though ... He did this in his previous marriage, now you know he's doing it in yours. You probably haven't had any done since you started seeing him.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 22:28

He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship

He, with a background of being on gay hook up sites during his previous marriage, and of having previously met another guy for .... presumably not a game of scrabble (but he's totally refusing to tell you what happened) has joined a pile of gay hookup sites while married to you, and looks suspiciously like he's had a hookup .......and you feel you can't to add to his stress???!!!!

You do realise many people would have kicked him out?

He's joined sites to cheat on you, (whether it's with men, women or both).

He has probably cheated on you ... Your instincts appear to be entirely correct. You sensed something was up, and you were vindicated what you checked his phone and found out he'd joined several hook up sites.

Had he previously told you he'd done this sort of shit in his first marriage? Or that he's previously hooked up with a man? Or has he lied about those things too? If so, would you have married him knowing them?

Why are you prioritising him, when he has made moves to cheat on you, probably cheated on you (and is now babbling bullshit about his sexuality)?

Why is his stress paramount?

Does yours not matter?

There's already stress on you to maintain the household on only your income presumably, you hardly needed the trauma and stress of discovering he's probably bi or gay but has hidden it, and he's joined gay hook up sites while married to you.

And you've been dealing with a shit or non existent sex life due to his issues up til now as well.

Why are your rights and your stress below his?

He has not given any remotely convincing explanation for why he's joined gay hook up sites ... He's clearly gay or bi; and still lying.

He has no explanation for why he's joined sites to cheat on you via. Because there is none.

And tbh I think you sensed correctly he's already cheated.

Sorry to be blunt, but fuck his stress.
Start looking after yourself.

Saratoga212 · 15/05/2024 22:42

he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

I think it's common for very intense sexual interest to wane in relationships after a few years, however some level of interest remains. Not no sex life. Not unexplained ED in a young ish man.

What's also not "common" is for hetero men in hetero relationships to join gay hookup sites - in both their marriages (nor to have previously met a man for sex).

I would propose the theory that neither his ex wife nor yourself have the anatomy to fully engage or maintain his interest. That's why he joins sites to hook up with men, not women.

LadyHavelockVetinari · 15/05/2024 22:47

Agree with what others have said. Being bisexual or even gay is not the problem. The problem is that he was downloading dating apps, presumably planning on cheating on you.

LadyHavelockVetinari · 15/05/2024 22:49

Don't let him trick you into thinking that his cheating is different because it's with men. If he is bisexual then to him, sleeping with a man is just as "real" and enjoyable as sleeping with another woman. If you would have problems with the one you should also have problems with the other!

Noseybookworm · 15/05/2024 22:59

Sounds like he's gay and in denial, he's either lying to himself or deliberately lying to you. So sorry OP, it's a horrible shock and probably take you a while to get your head around. It's a shame he can't be honest with you. Think about what YOU want going forward. I would take the downloading dating sites as evidence that he was at least open to the idea of cheating on you. You deserve better than his duplicity and dishonesty.

EnglishBluebell · 15/05/2024 23:01

Sorry but it's glaringly obvious. A straight person would react the same way to the suggestion of joining a gay dating site, that a gay person would have at the suggestion of joining a straight dating site. You know what I'm saying.
If he was straight, he just categorically wouldn't even consider looking at other men. Conversely, if he was bisexual, he wouldn't refuse to admit if he'd had sex with a man previously, either. He'd happily admit it because him being bisexual, would not invalidate his relationship with you. So there'd be nothing to hide.
So yeah, I'd say he's closeted gay and battling to come to terms with it.
I'm so, so sorry OP 💔
Sadly, I've been there.

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