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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband gay?

170 replies

SaffySinging · 15/05/2024 16:47

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

DH came home from work one evening and seemed to be unusually chirpy and quite flushed. I was going out that evening so didn't really have time to chat, but he seemed different somehow. It played on my mind. When I got home he was asleep with his phone next to him.

I'm not proud of myself but I looked at his phone. I was horrified to see that he had joined a gay dating site. Actually he'd joined more than one.

We had a horrible conversation, and he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage. He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's apologised and has since started counselling. After each session I've asked if he's wanted to share what they've spoken about, and so far it hasn't been about his relationship with men. He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do or think, it's just so bewildering. He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship, but I feel so lost at the moment.

OP posts:
Bs0u416d · 16/05/2024 06:59

If it looks like a dick and sounds like a duck, it's probably a duck. I think probably best for both of you if you call it a day.

AgentJohnson · 16/05/2024 07:08

It’s just dawned on me that he was going to cheat on me, and it doesn’t matter what his sexuality is, it’s the fact he was willing to put our relationship on the line.

This

In his case, history is repeating itself and he hasn’t learned. This is who he is, why would you want to be with someone this disconnected to you and himself.

I suspect he’s happy enough with the cover story of being married to a woman but is sexually attracted to men. He’s a fraud and he’s implicated yet another woman in it.

Therapy might shed light on his behaviour but it won’t make him the H that you want him to be. Get your own counselling to help you move on from this fraud.

Pineapples1234 · 16/05/2024 11:42

Ah, work stress. That well-known cause of temporary gayness and compulsive cheating....

when I do bring it up he really confuses me. He says things like let’s go out for a romantic meal and get the spark back in our relationship, and then nothing happens

Listen to his actions, not his words. Words are easy to say but if they don't match his actions, they're worthless.

Pineapples1234 · 16/05/2024 12:51

I was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer at about the same time that I found out, so dealing with everything has been hard, and I really didn’t need what he’s done.

And yet you feel you can't bring up this thing he's done in case it stresses him?! What about your stress? You've done nothing wrong, you're the innocent party, but it's ok for him to ignore your stress is it?! Are you paying for his counselling, since he's out of work? All so he can go and avoid talking about how gay he thinks he isn't. Stop that right now and start paying for counselling for yourself instead, you need someone to lean on and help you process everything. He can take his angst and deal with it himself. He makes me sick! You're really suffering and at this time when he should be supporting you he's instead made it worse, then on top of that he has the cheek to play victim and have you tiptoe round his emotions while he indulges himself on your dime. What a fucking prince 🤬

Starlight1979 · 16/05/2024 13:19

he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

There are no words.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2024 13:21

Starlight1979 · 16/05/2024 13:19

he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work

There are no words.

Yes... I'm wondering how stressed I'd have to be at work to feel pushed to join some dating sites. Have you asked yourself that question, @SaffySinging ?

Starlight1979 · 16/05/2024 13:24

Watchkeys · 16/05/2024 13:21

Yes... I'm wondering how stressed I'd have to be at work to feel pushed to join some dating sites. Have you asked yourself that question, @SaffySinging ?

Show quote history

And gay ones at that.

Ginandpangolins · 16/05/2024 16:55

"It's not unusual for gay men in denial to move onto another relationship with another woman to prove to themselves that they're not gay."

Paging my ex husband...

OP, can also recommend Straight Partners Anonymous. They were a godsend to me when I found out my ex had been hooking up with guys behind my back.

Sending you a hug.

TheSnakeCharmer · 16/05/2024 19:08

Also so sorry to hear about your bone cancer diagnosis. My wonderful stepfather ( my mum soon found another really wonderful straight man several years after she left my father and remarried 20 years ago) has recently been diagnosed with multiple myeloma (a type of blood/bone cancer) and had a stem cell transplant 18mths ago. He's doing really well at the moment.

Were you very recently diagnosed?
If you're yet to start treatment, I might be able to answer a few questions or at least point you in the right direction if it's multiple myeloma.

I will say that, blood cancers are leading the way in terms of treatment progression (well ahead of many other cancers). Treatments are constantly evolving and it's a very fast paced area. I also have several friends who have had leukaemia and been successfully treated.

So tell your husband that now is not the time to be pissing around on gay dating sites. He either leaves, or sticks around to support you whilst you go through your treatment and then leaves. You are not in a husband/wife relationship and neither are you in a pseudo mother son carer relationship. However, he can still be a friend and carer for the next few months if he is prepared to strap his balls in and man up. Personally i think that he owes you that!

However, you need to do whatever is best for you right now. Unfortunately I have a sister who is an alcoholic (because of the trauma of our upbringing) and i have learned that family are usually not best placed to support others going through something complex and which impacts everyone else emotionally. We also learnt this re my Dad. So you turn to your own friends for support and leave him to do the same with his. It's not your job to be his counsellor.

Xx

blackcherryconserve · 17/05/2024 11:17

Ginandpangolins I second Straight Partners Anonymous as being most helpful to straight partners in the OPs situation. There is much advice and support there. I was a founder member 13 years ago.

Original poster
SaffySinging · 18/05/2024 07:02

blackcherryconserve · 17/05/2024 11:17

Ginandpangolins I second Straight Partners Anonymous as being most helpful to straight partners in the OPs situation. There is much advice and support there. I was a founder member 13 years ago.

Edited

thank you I’ll be sure to contact them x

OP posts:
Original poster
SaffySinging · 18/05/2024 07:10

TheSnakeCharmer · 16/05/2024 19:08

Also so sorry to hear about your bone cancer diagnosis. My wonderful stepfather ( my mum soon found another really wonderful straight man several years after she left my father and remarried 20 years ago) has recently been diagnosed with multiple myeloma (a type of blood/bone cancer) and had a stem cell transplant 18mths ago. He's doing really well at the moment.

Were you very recently diagnosed?
If you're yet to start treatment, I might be able to answer a few questions or at least point you in the right direction if it's multiple myeloma.

I will say that, blood cancers are leading the way in terms of treatment progression (well ahead of many other cancers). Treatments are constantly evolving and it's a very fast paced area. I also have several friends who have had leukaemia and been successfully treated.

So tell your husband that now is not the time to be pissing around on gay dating sites. He either leaves, or sticks around to support you whilst you go through your treatment and then leaves. You are not in a husband/wife relationship and neither are you in a pseudo mother son carer relationship. However, he can still be a friend and carer for the next few months if he is prepared to strap his balls in and man up. Personally i think that he owes you that!

However, you need to do whatever is best for you right now. Unfortunately I have a sister who is an alcoholic (because of the trauma of our upbringing) and i have learned that family are usually not best placed to support others going through something complex and which impacts everyone else emotionally. We also learnt this re my Dad. So you turn to your own friends for support and leave him to do the same with his. It's not your job to be his counsellor.

Xx

Edited

I really appreciate your support and message. I have a rare bone marrow cancer that I’ve been told may not need to be treated for another couple of years, but it may be sooner or later. I guess medicine isn’t an exact science and I’m in a ‘watch and wait’ situation.

In terms of my husband I just feel so disgusted and disappointed in his behaviour. I seem to attract the deadbeats … my last bf was a gambler, my ex husband a drug addict. There’s something in me that goes for the wrong types.

I actually think he may be a sociopath. He’s never really interested in me or what I’m doing. I feel that we’re flatmates and I provide the roof over his head and provide the entertainment. I’m not feeling sorry for myself (promise!) just trying to establish who he is, as he’s certainly not the person I thought he was!

Anyhow onwards and upwards. xx

OP posts:
Original poster
SaffySinging · 18/05/2024 07:27

Update
So since I first posted I’ve had numerous conversations and he twists and turns, changing his mind and says one thing then another, so I contacted his ex girlfriend.

Wow, what a revelation that was. She was so supportive and told me that the reason they split up was because she’d found out that he was meeting guys and having sex with them. She said that she thought he’d been doing it for years. He’s definitely screwed up.

I didn’t tell him that I’d spoken to his ex, but threatened to call her if he didn’t tell me the truth. He said that yes, he had met guys when he was with her, but that he’d only ‘chatted’ to them online recently since he’d been with me. Then he said that it was more like 9 months. I don’t believe that he hasn’t met up with anyone. His ex said that it took her a while to work out that his one hours drinks after work, and early to work were times he’d met other guys. He was very careful not to arouse suspicion. She said she even recognised one of the guys at the train station!

We live in my house, so I’ve told him to find a job quickly and then he can leave. I can’t be cruel enough to turn him out in the streets.

Thank you for listening x

OP posts:
NetMum2 · 18/05/2024 07:38

I think you’re handling this brilliantly.

As another option though, I wonder if you would be happier if he moved out straight away? Two of my friends (who don’t know each other or their stories) moved out of the marital home and camped on a campsite - one for just a few weeks until he found a rental house, and one for over a year when he moved in with his elderly parents. It must have been cold over winter but it was just an idea with it coming in to summer…

BananaLambo · 18/05/2024 07:44

I have walked the mile in your shoes and I’m now the ex wife of a gay man. The only advice I will give (and I wish I had taken it at the time) is to be more selfish. You are doing what I did, feeling sorry for him, being supportive, deep down wanting things to go back to the good days…but what about you? He cheated on you, put your sexual health at risk, lied to you, and lived a secret life you knew nothing about. Your first loyalty should be to yourself, not him, and it is better to rip the plaster off quickly. He is no longer your responsibility. Do you still really want him there if it takes him 6 months to find a job?

literarybitery · 18/05/2024 07:49

blackcherryconserve · 15/05/2024 18:08

Sounds just like my (gay) exh. Don't believe the bi story - that's what exh said to me too and he promptly met up with another man. Good riddance to bad rubbish - it turned out he'd been lying to me for six years and had been having sex with his then best mate.

I agree. This reads much more like a man who is gay or primarily attracted to men and in denial about it.

If so, the primary issue is that he is gay, not that he’s cheating.

Coconutter24 · 18/05/2024 08:02

Whether he’s gay, straight or bi he has gone behind your back and joined multiple dating sites…. Isn’t that enough to tell you what he thinks of your marriage. I don’t mean that in a harsh way but if someone was totally happy and fulfilled with their marriage they wouldn’t even consider betraying their wife/husband like that

plasq · 18/05/2024 08:06

Don't feel compelled to house him until he finds a job. Just tell him to leave now

Einwegflasche · 18/05/2024 08:11

Well firstly, joining any dating site while married isn't good.
I do wonder if he's always been gay/bi curious but for some reason(s) felt he just couldn't live as a gay/bi man.
I'd be more annoyed at him for the first point, but a mix of annoyed/understanding at the second.
You need to speak frankly. Good luck.

BobbyBiscuits · 18/05/2024 08:13

He's clearly into men to an extent. He doesn't seem able to be honest with you, that's the main issue. He's joined dating sites, hook up sites, even though he's married and claims he's gone off sex.
So he's lying to you several times over and is also prepared to lie to the people from OLD as well I'd imagine.
If I were you I'd tell him it's over. Would he leave easily if you told him to? Trust is broken. He's lied about his sexuality, his desire, his attempts at cheating and won't discuss anything openly. Even at the counselling sessions.

Bluerisotto · 18/05/2024 08:15

whichwayisup · 16/05/2024 06:46

Saffy I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer. You should do whatever is good for you and your health right now.

To everyone else that is saying he is ashamed of being gay... That's not always the case. There are men who don't consider themselves gay because they don't want a romantic/emotional relationship with a man... They are attracted to women emotionally and romantically but they like to have sex with other men.

There are men like this, but I would hazard a guess they are bi and like sex with men because it's uncommitted and they can just have an unrestrained good time, before going back and having a fairly normal sexual relationship with their wives (poor wives). Or some are in relationship with a woman who doesn't want sex, and they tell themselves that sex with men isn't cheating.

I would also hazard a guess that people who say they are romantically and emotionally attracted to one gender but sexually attracted to another, don't have a genuinely split romantic /sexual orientation, they are actually suffering from internalised homophobia...they may think it's ok for anyone else to be gay, but they cannot accept it in themselves. I say this based on experience - I was this person before I realised I'm a lesbian. I was always honest with partners that I'd previously dated women though, and certainly never joined dating sites while still in a relationship!!

This guy can't even manage to have sex with a woman. I wouldn't mind betting he used medication to help get it up early in the relationship.

OP I am so sorry, and am also so sorry that you are unwell. You have had rubbish partners because you are kind and non judgemental. You mustn't blame yourself, but it is time to focus on yourself. Focus on boundaries to stop those men t the door. And focus on your health and what brings you joy and peace.

Your husband has his own path to figure out, which starts with him being honest with himself.

DaisyChain505 · 18/05/2024 08:15

When I’ve had a stressful day at work I don’t go home and sign up to lesbian dating sites…..because I’m not a lesbian.

I’m sorry OP but label it gay or bi, he’s into men and was looking to peruse something.

category12 · 18/05/2024 08:15

Are people reading ops update about how he was seeing men in his previous marriage?

NetMum2 · 18/05/2024 08:32

plasq · 18/05/2024 08:06

Don't feel compelled to house him until he finds a job. Just tell him to leave now

I agree completely

Oblomov24 · 18/05/2024 08:34

Sorry to read your updates. What a mess. What are you going to do if he doesn't get a job for ages, this could drag on and on.
How old are your dc?