Is my husband gay?

[SaffySinging]

We've never had a good sex life, probably due to DH's ed issues, and now I find myself in the situation that we haven't had sex for 3 years. When I've tried to talk to him about it, he told me that his sexual interest has dwindled and that's what happened in his first marriage too.

DH came home from work one evening and seemed to be unusually chirpy and quite flushed. I was going out that evening so didn't really have time to chat, but he seemed different somehow. It played on my mind. When I got home he was asleep with his phone next to him.

I'm not proud of myself but I looked at his phone. I was horrified to see that he had joined a gay dating site. Actually he'd joined more than one.

We had a horrible conversation, and he told me that he had only joined the sites as he was feeling very stressed at work, and that he had done it once before during his previous marriage. He said that he'd met a guy many years ago (before he met me) but he refused to go into detail as to whether they had sex or not.

He's apologised and has since started counselling. After each session I've asked if he's wanted to share what they've spoken about, and so far it hasn't been about his relationship with men. He's assured me that he isn't gay, but that he may be bisexual and then he changes his mind and says that he's straight.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do or think, it's just so bewildering. He's lost his job recently, so I feel that I can't really add to his stress by talking about our relationship, but I feel so lost at the moment.

I'm glad you found out the truth op, you were never going to find it out from him.

You wouldn't be turning him out onto the streets; I'm sure he has one family member or friend who can put him up. Or if not, we are a welfare state. He'll get UC and can rent a room.

I'm sure that would also facilitate his hookup sex with men more easily. Win win for you both.

You're being far far more generous and kind than he deserves.

I feel so betrayed and ashamed

Problem is that his family live overseas and he doesn’t have any close friends. Those friends he has would be appalled by his behaviour. Please don’t think I’m protecting him, I just don’t want the guilt trip that I will feel if I throw him out

I’m so sorry OP. Look after yourself. I would give him a clear deadline to leave rather than “when you find a job” as that could be a long time if he’s not properly looking. You need space to process this and it’s not your job to prop him up when he’s done this to you.

Crossed posts - better to feel a small amount of guilt that you can work through and realise is misplaced - than to be walked all over and have to live with him.
He’s not your responsibility. He did this to you. You don’t need to feel guilty. Put yourself first.

Thank you for making me laugh and cry at the same time 🤗

I think I’m actually in shock that he’s not who I thought he was. How can someone do that?????

To add to it all. My 26 year old autistic daughter (high functioning) lives with us. I don’t want to upset her with my tears as she’s a sensitive gorgeous sou. I need him to go then I can tell her a version of why he’s gone

Thank you. You’re all so AMAZING on this site xx

He doesn't have to tell his friends why you split up with him.

"When he gets a job" is too open, and where's his incentive to really try? He gets a job and then has to leave the home? I can't see him being too focused on getting to interview.

Give him a month.

I can't see him being too focused on getting to interview.

Yeah, someone like him may just drag it out indefinitely.

You have nothing to be ashamed of op.

Quite the opposite.

Given your approximate ages ... So he's been doing this his whole life to date.

(I take back the joke about him becoming a rent boy .... Noone is paying to shag him, it'll definitely just be hook ups with whoever will take him, while using yet another woman as a beard).

I know. I guess I’m just feeling emotional and quite exhausted for it xx

We’re both in our 50s and his ex gf told me that she thinks he’s been behaving in this way for at least 15 years. I guess old habits and all that ….

I'd hazard a guess he's been doing this since he entered into relationships.

Interestingly he only had one gf before he met his first wife at the age of 32.

I guess putting together all the pieces is reveaowho he really is

You have handled this all really well. I would put him out on the streets but then I'm not as nice as you.

You are too nice, which I hate saying because how on earth are we in a world where people can be too nice but here we are. You are attracting these men because you are a lovely person/hot/great fashion/well read/amazing arse whatever and then when all the big old red flags come out and other women run... You are so nice that you try to understand everything too much to the extent you ignore your own point of view and they see they can take advantage of you and here we are.

Chuck him out. He's a total sleaze.

And Bluerisotto i agree with everything you say.

I think that's spot on.

In his bi phase, that's exactly what my ex said - romantically and emotionally attracted to women but more sexually attracted to men. Looking back, I can see that he actually had barely any male friends and little social life and I think he was afraid of forming any kind of emotional attachment to other men because that might mean he was gay.

Anyway, @SaffySinging I'm glad you've got some answers and I really hope you put yourself first now. Don't worry about him, just do what you need for your own well-being.

Hes a sleazy gross liar.
Eugh. Why are m3n like this?

I think youd be well advised to just kick him out and let him work it out. You owe him fuck all. Hes a freeloading dirty old man

Surely if he was bisexual he'd still be having sex with you not completely abstinent for three years with ed issues and I'd of thought he'd of joined dating sites to seek out women as well as men if he was bisexual and looking to cheat. End of the day, he's showing no sexual interest in you, his wife but he's still having sexual feelings and thoughts or he wouldn't go on a gay dating site. He lies to you, won't communicate and I reckon he's lying about how long he's been on there or if he's even met anyone.

You deserve better than this.

I regretfully say that you should separate and end the marriage. He is closeted but most likely gay. He shouldn't be looking to cheat on you, and even without the sexuality question, that should be enough to signpost that the marriage is over. He hasn't treated you well. But staying for the sake of history, finance whatever, will just make you miserable. You could go on to something better.

Agree with every word of this. I ignored so many red flags with my ex due to being 'too nice'. Even his family used to hint at him being a wrongun and I ignored them too. "Oh, they just don't understand him." They understood him all too well!
When this is all over, I strongly suggest you do some work in establishing healthy boundaries. It really helps. Wishing you strength.

You’re all sooo right. He will be leaving.

When I think about it, he’s actually not really treated me very nicely. For example, when I’ve had my hair cut and blow dried, he didn’t ever notice. Whenever I said something, he just said that he didn’t notice things. He’s rarely paid me compliments, never suggests going out anywhere (but is always happy to tag along) and is very comfortable for me to pay for stuff.
we went to his home country and I met his parents in the flesh for the first time. His mother was quite rude to me. He acknowledged this to me, but didn’t say anything to her. He said he’d say something when he got home because he didn’t want to spoil our holiday!! Needless to say nothing has been said.

I think I’ve come to realise that he’s a weak, good for nothing and a liar to boot !!

Just to let you know, a lot of gay people (myself included) still consider the word 'queer' to be a slur. Best to only use it for people who describe themselves that way, not for LGB people.

Spectacular typo.