Does anyone else feel like they just don’t fit in anywhere?

[Simplefoke]

I don’t know what it is, whether there is something wrong with me. I’ve just always been so bloody awkward around people.

I am a little different I suppose, but not in a bad way, bit of a free spirit. I was the black sheep in my family but not in a major way. I’ve a few friends, they are all a little strange lol. They are people who don’t follow conventions and are more open in how they talk. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

I don’t seem to fit in with my partners family. I’m pleasant but I think they think I’m a bit weird. I don’t think I’m that weird. I find it hard to just put on a smile and get on and pretend.

Anyone else like this?

. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

the fact you don’t get on with people is not because they “pretend”

i am very social and get on with most i meet and have very close and long term friends…. i can assure you, i don’t pretend

i often find this with threads about not having friends. The OP lets slip a somewhat sneary attitude which indicates why they’re struggling socially

Yes, I think this is a fair point. Why is it you think others ‘pretend’, OP? What is it you think they are ‘pretending’, and want you to ‘pretend’? Your partner’s family may just find you not their cup of tea, which is not uncommon in IL-type situations, where, after all, you only know one another because of who you’re in a relationship with, or they may be picking up on your slightly sneery attitude to those who don’t meet your definition of ‘free spirit’?

@lentilloved I didn’t know how to get the words out but I trying to say when you do small talk or when you talk about the weather. I don’t know what that is. I’m not good at that.

oh yes

and don’t ever ever describe yourself to new people as a “free spirit” and “I don’t like to pretend” 😆

that’s isn’t “pretend”

that’s chatting

@lentilloved well I’m not good at that. Also when you don’t know people or what to do when you don’t know what to say. I didn’t mean pretending I meant pretending that you are comfortable, as in me, I’m not comfortable.

I get what you mean. My son has ASD and he thinks other people are pretending and social situations. Now he is older he is beginning to understand that not everyone is pretending but he says he needs to otherwise he wouldn't act in a socially acceptable manner.

I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

they’re not pretending op
they’re chatting

It's sounds like autism, OP.

Well, practice, if you’d like to be better? It’s not difficult.

Or, if you don’t want to talk about the weather or whatever, move the conversation to talk about something else. I met two total strangers last night, they offered me a lift home from an event, and we talked entirely about music the entire trip.

@WandaVon I’ve thought about that before. I just don’t seem to know what to do and because of this I feel like people don’t like me which makes me feel more on my own.

Everyone is different, some people are better at small talk. I'm not good at starting it , but if someone else does I'm fine.

I think some pp are being harsh on OP.
I know exactly what she means - not feeling on the same wavelength as people.

Yes, I'm the same. Do you feel exhausted after being around people for an extended period of time? If it is autism, the 'pretending' that you're referring to is actually masking. You'll find lots of info online about 'high masking females'. And if you are autistic, please ignore the unhelpful advice to practise small talk, etc. It's because your brain is wired differently - you genuinely can't do it.

@Solidlump yes. Sometimes I feel like people are seeing right through me. If you are warm and welcoming I’m ok but if not I panic. For example I’m really nervous around my partners family because I feel different. I didn’t know how to fit in or pretend I’m ok and part of it.

@WandaVon I do try really hard to “mask” I’ll call it not pretend. Especially around my partners family but I feel like an outsider. I literally don’t know how to small talk and get on and yes I’m absolutely exhausted after and feel rubbish that I just can’t seem to do it and rubbish because I do want to be part of it and feel accepted. I’m sure they think I’m weird and off and I don’t mean to be.

OP, I get what you are saying - but maybe you picked wrong words, people don't "pretend", but there are definitely ways and rules of having a polite conversation which some people just cant seem to follow... Have you ever though you might be a bit on the spectrum? Because that would explain why you cant follow accepted patterns, and feel like everyone else "pretends".

I'm speaking from experience BTW. I'm a bit like that myself, too - and don't have an official diagnosis but always suspected something along these lines, always been awkward socially and can only fit in when I carefully copy what I've seen other people do. Its a bit ridiculous.

I feel like I don't fit in sometimes as I am a single parent, work full time, I'm foreign, and don't have any family close by. But I appreciate that I could have fit in better and had more friends if I put more effort into it. Sometimes you do need to just smile and do a meaningless friendly chat, to get past the initial phase of being an "acquaintance". Once you get to know someone better you can be "yourself" more. If you cant be asked to make an effort and show it, why do you think other people will care to get to know you and be friends? Also, why would you not smile around your family? It sounds you don't like them that much but want them to like you.

People have been a bit mean on this thread OP. I'm currently going through an ADHD diagnosis and I totally get what you mean.x

It does sound like you are ND. I really sympathise but I would say socialising is a skill, you can learn how to do it. Just see what other people do, even the people who you are talking to.

Main issue here is do you like people you are talking to, and do you want to be friends with them?

I'm a bit like that too.

I've been diagnosed with ADHD and people consider me a free spirit because in some ways I'm not conventional.

I'm happy with non judgemental and laid back people. And yes...other weirdos!

You've had some pretty harsh responses op, I don't think you're sneering about other people, and nothing wrong with describing yourself as a free spirit imo.

I do totally get what you mean, but I'm autistic. Always felt there was something "wrong" with me until I finally got my diagnosis in my 40's. Knew nothing about autism until my dd was diagnosed a few years before that. I'm currently burnt out from a life time of masking, I still "pretend"
with social interactions and chat outside of my own home because I don't know how else to interact after a lifetime of doing it. I only feel I can truly be myself with my dd and dh.

@localnotail no I don’t really like spending time with them because I have to mask and pretend I’m someone I’m not because they are all clicky and I don’t fit it. If I let myself out then it’s obvious I really don’t fit. It’s not their fault but they aren’t very accommodating. I know the people who I fit with, these aren’t them. I try because it’s family but I don’t enjoy the time.

Eg I over pack when go anywhere as I just don’t know what to take. The mum always makes comments like Jesus why do you always take this, what wrong etc etc.

That’s ok you don’t need to feel part of his family. It’s a bonus if you do but it’s not necessary. Sounds like you’ve got your own similarly “strange” Friends and your partner that you get on with so I wouldn’t worry about the rest too much. You’re not going to be for everyone and that’s Ok. Some people appeal to a narrower range of people than others is all.