Does anyone else feel like they just don’t fit in anywhere?

[Simplefoke]

I don’t know what it is, whether there is something wrong with me. I’ve just always been so bloody awkward around people.

I am a little different I suppose, but not in a bad way, bit of a free spirit. I was the black sheep in my family but not in a major way. I’ve a few friends, they are all a little strange lol. They are people who don’t follow conventions and are more open in how they talk. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

I don’t seem to fit in with my partners family. I’m pleasant but I think they think I’m a bit weird. I don’t think I’m that weird. I find it hard to just put on a smile and get on and pretend.

Anyone else like this?

I started to get along with most people and do well in social situations when I stopped taking myself so seriously somewhere in my late 20s.

I realised no one gave a fuck about my political views, career frustrations, past trauma etc., they just want to have a good time when socialising with me.

(By the by, I too thought I was a ‘free spirit’ and ‘different’ from most people back then.)

I am now fun to be around, I’m a reliable friend and I’m just generally happier and more relaxed. Consequently I have a great social life.

Many people aren’t, it doesn’t make you unusual or special (sorry but I feel all these ‘I’m not like other people’ are a thinly veiled ‘everyone else is dull/fake/basic’)

My thoughts exactly.

I’d far rather belong than fit in.
https://www.google.com/search?q=brene+brown+belonging+vs+fitting+in&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

This may just be an innocent comment. I’m ND and come across a bit quirky and chaotic especially when I visit others - I’m the type to pack multiple bags or a large suitcase for a short stay . If someone said that to me - and they often do- I wouldn’t be offended, I’d laugh along with them about how much I over-pack, but it depends on their tone and intention.

However if they’re being overly critical or negative feel free to limit the time you spend with them. Don’t tolerate disrespect.

Oops, I quoted myself by mistake 🤪😂 my comment above was meant to be in response to @Simplefoke post :

Eg I over pack when go anywhere as I just don’t know what to take. The mum always makes comments like Jesus why do you always take this, what wrong etc etc.

I see it very much as your son does.

I'm a lot better at it now I'm older because I've learnt the things I'm 'supposed' to say, which is where the feeling pretence comes in.

I also understand why others do it now although I have no need to do it myself.

I can manage it for a short while until I've reached the end if the script.

OP, all of my friends are a little strange too. I have one friend who is my only 'normal' friend. Except her OH department have just suggested to her that she goes for an ASD assessment. So maybe not.

Might be worth exploring that yourself.

Exactly. A lot of people don’t ‘fit’ with their partner or spouse’s family — why would they? It’s neither birth family nor friendships they’ve chosen, more like colleagues. I’m quite fond of my ILs, but we’re very, very different types of people, and my MIL in particular (not known for her tact or ability to consider other points of view) has never been very successful at hiding how much she would have preferred me to be a nice SAHM of many children, someone who was free during the day to go shopping and to Weightwatchers and discuss daytime tv, instead of what she actually got as a DIL, a career-minded mother of one whose idea of a good time is opera and mountain climbing. I don’t resent her for it, and as I said, I’m quite fond of her, but I don’t bustle about trying to fit in with her ideas, or to be more like my SIs.

Thanks. Very good to hear your perspective. I am trying to get him to a point where he fills he doesn't have to do perform in a certain way unless necessary as long as he isn't upsetting anyone else.

A yes que the people that will diagnose you with autism based on your post. Not everyone that is a bit quirky is autistic, but try telling that to the general population. It is like society expects everyone to act the same way, no one is allowed their own personality because that would automatically make you autistic especially if you are a slightly more reserved personality type. It is actually disturbing and pathetic that is how people think, but sadly it reflects the society of today. The truth is there is nothing bloody wrong with the way you are, and it certainly does not need labelling!

I'm not sure many people fit with their partner's family, I don't because we have a different mind-set and come from a different culture, but that's typical.

You do fit with your friends- I always used to say to my children, you just need one or two people who 'get' you in life, not a huge group, so that's something valuable.

You do sound a bit like there might be ND there as well, something to investigate if that chimes with you.

Inability to cope with small talk is usually a sign of introversion - which is no big deal as (apparently) nearly half the human race is introverted to some degree. You seem to be overthinking the problem, and overthinking is another introvert trait.

Why not Google introversion and see if you recognise yourself to a greater or lesser degree?

There are 170,000 people on the waiting lists! And people wonder why the wait is long!

people always jump to neurodiversity in such as situation. But it could also be trauma or upbringing that makes you struggle to fit in. Maybe worth exploring with a therapist TBH.

I always felt the same and it turns out that I'm autistic. Life has been easier since I understood why I don't fit in.

OP I don't know if you find this but I'm massively tolerant and accepting of people's different lifestyles. But I find people are quite critical of me (and not in a jokey playful way) but genuinely critical (mainly family). It's taken me a long time to realise that not everyone is kind to people who do things differently to them. We talk about tolerance and diversity but people don't seem tolerant of different types of personality.

You have to want the same things, the same life as them. And if you don't some people will be really critical of it. Like you're being different to spite them?

I got a certain piercing once (in my 30s that I'd wanted for years).

A certain family member said to me 'but why would you do that? Why are you trying to be different?'

I said I wasn't trying to be different. I just liked the piercing and so I got it. But it was like my choice to do something that she saw as different made her uncomfortable.

Yeah it could be. But it is possible to work out which it is.

Chatting about the weather can be a really effective inroad into a real interaction, I love it. We can’t control the weather and it affects our mood and it’s the one thing that bonds us all and yet we react to it differently - sunny days make me melancholy for example. During the interactions that sound small talky and bland, we are often actually saying a lot about ourselves and our human need to connect and our frailty.

That's how it should be

I look back in things I said/did as a child that my parents would tell me off for - why can't you at least try and be like the other children? Was something I heard a lot.

I was so blissfully unaware of what the other children were 'like' that I simultaneously didn't realise I was different to them and also didn't care that I was. They just weren't really on my radar at all.

I couldn't quite see what was so wrong with me or how I did/saw/said things. I still don't now really although I can see the difference more clearly in some respects. But definitely not all.

Eg I had to learn not to be so blunt. That not everything I thought had to be said and that it was ok (for them) for other people to disagree. I didn't have to always make them see why they were wrong. But even as an adult, I have a very low tolerance for when "people are just morons".

It's good that you are helping your son understand that he doesn't have to be a certain way (unless necessary).

It's really difficult having to try and be someone/something you're not. Especially when you don't really understand what the parameters are or why it is so important to others.

That's really interesting!

We talk about tolerance and diversity but people don't seem tolerant of different types of personality.

@JamSandle To be fair we talk about it yeah but in reality people are massively intolerant of various different types of diversity and many individuals face very serious discrimination in their day to day life with massive real life consequences.

Take a look at Twitter, tabloid comment sections or even some of the speeches populist politicians make. Not to mention the very real discrimination that goes on in the workplace based on race, sex, class etc

I’m not saying it’s right but it happens. so people with “different” personalities are definitely not the worst off. .

I think this is quite common in families, especially from older family members.

Any lifestyle that deviates from what most people in your family have chosen for themselves is seen as a criticism/judgement of them, so in turn they are… critical and judgemental of you.

The best thing to do in this scenario is limit what you tell them, tune out their disapproval and focus on thriving in silence, so to speak.

(Going LC also helps but this is not always an option.)

I think the first responses on this thread illustrate why a lot of neurodiverse people dislike and distrust neurotypicals.

The "you're just trying to be different" comments make me LOL. No need to try that hard, it just comes naturally 😆. Neurotypicals just can't get that someone might want to please themselves rather than do something because of how it looks to their peers.

I've occasionally been accused of being "pretentious" because I like books and use long words. They never have an answer when I ask them "Why, what do you think I'm pretending to be?" 🤔

But OP, your in laws sound positively unkind. It doesn't sound like they have your back at all. I would advise spending as little time with them as possible and cultivating your "weird" friends instead.

In my work I’ve had to interview people and break the ice quickly, so as pp said, chatting about the weather or the closure of junction X on the M4 is a way in to a better conversation.

No it’s not scintillating, but it’s a neutral way of finding common ground and spring boarding into something else - this perspective stops us judging people as boring or thinking we’re not like them.

Ask “boring” family relatives, about their work or what they did before they retired, or “what are you really in to at the moment?” is a good catch all question for almost anyone and keeps them talking so you don’t feel on the spot.

I think even the Queen had to have a prepared phrase, “Have you come far” with everyone she met, to break the ice.

On the other hand if your MIL is being nasty and saying for god’s sake why did you pack that and other similar comments, that’s another issue.

Everybody in the world feels like they don't fit in. It's part of the human condition.

The OP does not have any evidence that she is neurodiverse, far less a diagnosis, or even the suggestion from a health professional, that she might benefit from seeking one. She might be neurodiverse. Or she might be someone neurotypical with poor social skills, or just not that interested in other people, or wedded to her own idea that she’s a free spirit surrounded by boring conventional sheeple. Or she might just not get on with her ILs.