Does anyone else feel like they just don’t fit in anywhere?

[Simplefoke]

I don’t know what it is, whether there is something wrong with me. I’ve just always been so bloody awkward around people.

I am a little different I suppose, but not in a bad way, bit of a free spirit. I was the black sheep in my family but not in a major way. I’ve a few friends, they are all a little strange lol. They are people who don’t follow conventions and are more open in how they talk. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

I don’t seem to fit in with my partners family. I’m pleasant but I think they think I’m a bit weird. I don’t think I’m that weird. I find it hard to just put on a smile and get on and pretend.

Anyone else like this?

this is such an odd thread.

If someone asks how you are, what do you say?

@SuprasternalNotch depends on who they are really. Work colleagues probably thanks I’m ok, been busy with the kids, maybe a little info for a minute about that. Family would probably speak more about what we’ve been up to. Ask how they are and what they have been up to in return. Why ask otherwise. Or am I supposed to say good and that’s it? They don’t ask me the question in the first place. The mum doesn’t great me or give me eye contact, no offers of a drink. It could be lunch time, no offers of a bite to eat. It’s cold. In my opinion.

Regardless of wether you’re officially ND or not, these people sound like dickheads. They wouldn’t change into accepting and wonderful people even if you had a diagnoses and explained to them how every situation feels. They’re shallow and tiny minded. (And boring!)

If I were you i would think what to do to stop having to spend time with these people. Are you happy in your relationship? How does your DP support you in these situations? Is he like them? Do you really want these chumps in your life until you die?

If he’s an anomaly, when and how often do you “have” to spend time with these people? A strategically placed hobby or work shift or responsibility to your own family could be lined up at the same time. You could be too busy for these people.

Or you could tell DP that you feel bloody miserable around them and he’ll have to make excuses for you or tell them the truth because your done being dragged round there to be treated like a freak.

@OriginalUsername2 There is certain members of his family that are lovely. You know when you walk in the door they ask how you are and they want to know how you are because they care. There’s always offers of drinks and conversations about what everyone’s been up too, it’s not superficial. I mask a whole lot less and feel much more at ease. I feel like you can pick up on peoples energy. I don’t want to be around his parents. I hate that I turn into some weird awkward person talking crap. It’s been years and years of it now. I thought it was me and I’m just not likable but I’ve met some people over the years that are nice to me and visa versa. People who don’t know me or don’t want to have an opinion which is not true.

He isn’t like them. He has certain traits where he rolls his eyes but I tell him that’s not on really. To him they are fine and normal. The whole close family is secretive, it’s all clicky. I’m just upfront and get in trouble. Eg one of the other grandchildren’s pet died so I sent a msg saying sorry. The MIL said I shouldn’t have as it was secret and she only told me because I mentioned the pet in a group msg and she didn’t want me upsetting the children as it died .

The thing is I think most people feel abit like this with people they don't know which is why people stick to small talk - or pretending.

So isn't the weather lovely, doing anything nice at the weekend, all ready for Christmas?

Oh I see things have moved on sorry

Having read the rest of your responses it's not you it's them!

I don't think you sound odd at all, it's very off to go to family for a visit & no one asks you how you are or offers you a drink!

IMHO, they can't read you and it is their problem.

You are what you are just like I am. TBH, having friends is overrated. Acquaintances, yes, a quick hi/bye or possibly a little chat but that is it

People have different standards and I may not rich or posh but comfortably well off and a half-decent education but my standards re the way I treat people and as importantly the way they treat me is a different standard to most of the people I know

The bottom line, you are who you are and if they can't relate to that, that is their fault.

Sorry that you've got some harsh replies op.

I wonder if you are ND as I felt that way when I was younger but I've gotten better at socialising.

Socialising and social cues come very easy to NT people and they cannot understand why others may find it difficult.

Well it can be difficult. Especially when, NT people say one thing and mean another, to people who take words literally.

For instance, the famous we'll have to meet up soon, when the person has no intention to. That used to really baffle me. I had no idea why someone would say that when they don't mean it. Now I just assume everyone means that when they say it unless they say an actual date or when can you meet up?

I wish people would have a little more empathy on this site and maybe try to figure out where someone is coming from before jumping on a few words that at worst may not be the right context.

Simplefoke I get you and what you are saying totally. I am in my 50's and am also very open minded and never judge others as not really bothered what other people do, dress, wear, if they are gay, straight etc but when I used to go to ex's family's home all they did was sit gossip, so racist and always talking about this one or that one, my face must have been a picture as I don't like to talk about others or sit and gossip, just not me at all. Plus the family members all talked about each other and then would be all fake nice when they walked in the door. I found that weird and shocking. I am a private person and think now am older and there is information out there that I have asd. Thinking about getting formal diagnosis but so many markers there. I get on really well with others but always prefer one to one conversation not a group as feel different or sitting around a table with all his family made me feel uncomfortable too. Also bright lights make me uncomfortable, sensory issues, Some lovely to me but I picked up a vibe and always do from people like an energy and knew that they thought I was a bit what's the word am looking for, stuck up, strange but I am not stuck up at all am really down to earth but in their company felt like was in another era as the women would be running to put the kettle on for the men, I nearly came out with can you not make a cup of bloody tea for once but have learned to restrain myself ha!!! So get the free spirit thing, not that you think you are super cool etc and others are boring but you are open minded and just get on with other open minded people. When I get on with someone or sense that feeling with someone I can be myself. Look up asd traits etc and see if you can get a referral but such a long waiting list or save up for private test. I feel most like myself when relaxed at home or walking in nature. We should all not have to be the same in life or it would be boring so people should just take you as you are and not try to change you into something they want you to be. Also now am older if I honesty am dreading something and know will be awful I choose not to go. But I always worry about things so much beforehand and it is awful. If there are lots of conversations going on at a table I am usually quiet but one to one I am just myself if that makes sense. You cannnot change them but you can change how you think and feel about his family, so when you next go there do a bit of mindfullness before as it does relax the mind and just be yourself ask how they are and don't worry what they think of you, make an effort and if it is not returned to you don't worry. Don't have to go to everything they organize either. Wishing you well.

Sorry did not mean to write so much...

I’m probably going to sound like an idiot but I did a little experiment this week. My partners mum will always love heart pictures that the other sons girlfriend posts of their grandchildren, without fail every time. She doesn’t with our child, their other grandchild. This week I posted pictures and so did they and yep all love hearted and mine not one. I know I sound stupid but I’m just getting really fed up now. That’s not on to put their dislike onto their grandchild. I REALLY just want to say I’m not going on this break away. They all talking it’s the holiday of the year and I’m dreading it. They don’t like me anyway but I know they’ll use it against me and their son.

I remember a comment they said to me not long after meeting. It’s not a competition….well it is isn’t it if you don’t treat us fairly.

come again

this is the first you’ve mentioned that you have a child with your partner.

how long have you been with your partner?
Do you live with him?
i thought your children were from your previous relationship?

@lentilloved yeah we have a 2 year old. That’s what the holiday is all about, the grandkids.

and you’ve only just mentioned this!

ok it gets even odder
ill hide thread

@lentilloved yes over 4 years. One from previous. She didn’t like me. His parents went on holiday for a month over my due date. My partner said this was just them being them, I knew something was up then.

Why you asking questions then hiding. That doesn’t make sense. You don’t need to respond to me, it’s fine.

There is certain members of his family that are lovely. You know when you walk in the door they ask how you are and they want to know how you are because they care. There’s always offers of drinks and conversations about what everyone’s been up too, it’s not superficial. I mask a whole lot less and feel much more at ease

Yes, there is masking/pretence, in social situations. By everyone.
Everyone has to compromise in some way.
And no one likes everyone.

I think you are trying to change life. You cant.

@lightand I think you are right. I think they mask pretending to like me when we get together and I can feel it. I just don’t seem to be able to trust how I feel. I think perhaps it’s something I’m doing wrong, something I can change. But really there isn’t and I probably have to accept the fact they don’t like me. I feel like the scapegoat again like I did in my marriage. I was too sensitive, too touch feely. I really can’t help feeling things.

If it's any consolation OP, don't worry - there are more people than you'd realise who are crap at conversation. I used to think it was a recent phenomenon, that with the advent of social media, more and more people had lost the ability to communicate in person. But there are quite a few older people I encounter who talking to can be a painful experience (and yes, before anyone jumps in, it could be that some people just don't like talking to me either!)

But, having worked for a charity organisation in the past and regularly chatted to lots of people from different walks of life, the advice I'd give you is this: if there's one thing people love talking about more than anything else, it's not the weather but themselves. Ask about their families - their kids, parents, whoever - and show that you're interested (even if you're not really). Ask open-ended questions (things that will stimulate more of a response than just a 'yes' or 'no' answer). Remember small details about people that they've told you, and bring them up in future conversations (eg 'How's your son getting on in his new job? You said XYZ last time I saw you'). Smile when talking (where appropriate) and maintain eye contact.

Hopefully if you practice things like this often enough, it'll begin to feel more natural and easier after a time. Good luck.

@FriendsBadBoyfriend I can talk and talk with the right people. It’s those who don’t want to I stutter and feel so awkward with.