Does anyone else feel like they just don’t fit in anywhere?

[Simplefoke]

I don’t know what it is, whether there is something wrong with me. I’ve just always been so bloody awkward around people.

I am a little different I suppose, but not in a bad way, bit of a free spirit. I was the black sheep in my family but not in a major way. I’ve a few friends, they are all a little strange lol. They are people who don’t follow conventions and are more open in how they talk. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

I don’t seem to fit in with my partners family. I’m pleasant but I think they think I’m a bit weird. I don’t think I’m that weird. I find it hard to just put on a smile and get on and pretend.

Anyone else like this?

I’m exactly the same and it’s a shame that some people don’t understand that socialising doesn’t come easily to everyone; they don’t realise what goes on in other peoples minds in social situations.

I’ve always struggled with it, and I’m in my mid 40s now. I’m worse in a group situation. For years I was also extremely shy, so I would sit in silence in a group conversation, because I couldn’t think of something to say, or if I did I’d be worried about sounding stupid. Sometimes I would pluck up the courage but then the conversation would have moved on so I’d lost the chance. It was a constant battle in my mind.

Now I have children I’m not so shy, however I still struggle. I will now say things when I think of them, however I struggle to find a suitable pause and end up interrupting unintentionally. If I try leaving it longer the conversation moves on. Through reading people’s experiences on here I’ve come to think I might have ADHD, as a lot of what I read describes me.

I really struggle with small talk. I just can’t think of things to say, my mind goes blank because of the anxiety I feel by being in that situation.

If only it were as easy for everyone as some of you imagine.

And I’m also fine with some people; I’m not sure what it is, but I’m ok with a few people. Maybe I feel more at ease with them.

I'm a bit of a free spirit, but I'm also sociable and friendly. I don't put on a mask or play 'let's pretend' what you see is what you get. I'm one of the most chilled people you could meet(except stuck behind slow drivers and middle lane hoggers on the motorway but thats another thing).

I hate small talk but was always told as a child I could talk the hind legs off a donkey. Get me on to a subject I'm passionate about and I can talk happily. Small talk makes me feel awkward.

I always found my in laws were really cliquey and I was treated like an outsider, it was such a contrast to my own family who welcomed my now ex with open arms and treated him like one of the family.z

If you're an introvert, you will find socialising exhausting. I certainly do. I'm not on the spectrum I don't think, but I do find stuff like having to talk to people for any length of time is draining. I need a lot of quiet time. If I am required to be at a social gathering it takes quite some time for my mind to quieten down afterwards. And yes, it is very hard being with people who don't say what they really feel and who make bright smalltalk because they feel it is required or because they too feel a bit shy or anxious.

I'm a lot like you, OP, so I get it. I used to always crave acceptance from the families of various boyfriends, because I had a similar "black sheep" role in my family of origin, and I suppose I wanted that feeling of "fitting in" within a warm, loving extended family, which it seemed like everyone else had but me. This acceptance by a de facto adoptive family was never forthcoming, not as in your case because the partners' parents were utter dickheads (your ILs get worse with every update, btw) but because the relationships were very short-lived, and/or the families were in other countries, so the opportunity to get to know them never fully arose. I'm over it now, because I see that emotional need in me for what it was. You don't really need extended family IMO, because you have your chosen family of weird friends and your lovely DC and a DP. Your ILs aren't your problem unless you choose to make them your problem, which would be utterly insane given that they aren't going to change who they are and are currently making you miserable. It's up to you whether you put on a brave face for the upcoming holiday which you seem to be committed to or pull a sickie, but you've really got no reason to see these people ever again. Your DP can see them by himself if he wants to, and if he makes it out to be your fault (which it isn't, as the ILs have been very unwelcoming) then "you have a DP problem", as they say on here.

totally

I would add that I think your original terminology of "pretending" in social situations is perfectly apt. PPs who have tried to correct "pretending" to their current buzzword "masking" are muddying the waters by introducing language which is associated with autism. One of the most tedious and unhelpful aspects of nearly every MN thread in which a poster asks for help with any interpersonal issue is the concern-trolling "Have you ever considered you might be autistic?" response, by the dozen. Given the current level of societal obsession with "neurodivergence" (well, on fora/SM anyway) it's highly unlikely that any OP is genuinely unaware of this issue, and it's not clear that a formal diagnosis of whatever condition would alter the salient points which are perfectly well set out in her posts. PPs feigning incomprehension are simply looking for a fight.

Thanks @Brexile. I think my problem is what you’ve just said. I was a black sheep growing up, whether I was/am ND I just never feel understood. When I see all the social media posts of family’s it makes me feel sad. Friends getting married with all the family saying lovely things and I never seem to get that. I really don’t think I’m an awful unlikable person, I hope I’m not. I did read a quote that said sometimes your spirit can upset others demons. I suppose people do project their own issues onto others.

@Brexile I am pretending. I know I’m doing it to fit in so they like me. I’ve learned that the real me gets excluded with these people.

Yes and no. I'm definately a bit of a free spirit and I think that can rub people the wrong way sometimes. But mostly you can put me anywhere and I'll get along with anyone. I've mastered the art of pretend extraversion.

I'm definitely a bit odd. And I don't have my niche yet people wise. But I think most people struggle similarly. I'm probably a lot more normal and boring than I like to think xD

Thanks for the reply @Simplefoke , I was pretty sure that we "got" each other on the black sheep issue! Hang in there, and try to focus on the people in your life who actually like and value you. You can PM me if you want.

I don't get any of that as my family stay off social media, in fact I very rarely post anything myself. If I have something to show my family I show them in person or send via WhatsApp. I don't need validation on social media to know my family and friends love me.

I do think social media has had such a detrimental effect on our happiness, we are no longer content with what we have. What you see is only a small part of someone's life. And usually those people saying nice things on a wedding photo are people they haven't seen or spoken to in years.

I’ve just got this problem reading situations. Eg a colleague had a baby same time as me. I’ve mentioned several times about having a play date. She posts that she finds being a first time mum lonely, I’ve been there so I said let’s meet up. Every time the night before she won’t reply about an agreed time. The first time it was all arranged and pre paid and she didn’t turn up because she forgot. I can understand this. Why say yes then it looks like she doesn’t actually want to meet. I don’t get why people don’t like each other when they don’t know each other. Why can’t we all like each other’s differences. The whole thing confuses me. But I keep flogging dead horses because I can’t read situations.

@xSideshowAuntSallyx loads of people have lovely warm accepting families. I post because I’ve family all over the world and it’s easier.

I don't think you necessarily misread the situation with the ex-colleague. If she "forgot" to turn up to something pre-paid and generally gave you the runaround, that's because she's flaky. I promise you, the most socially adept, confident people have also had potential friendships go wrong because the other person was a flake or simply didn't "gel" with them for whatever reason. (I discovered this fact very late in life, after growing up feeling that I was almost the only person that rejection had ever happened to.) The difference is that confident adept people probably don't take flakiness or rejection personally, and they certainly don't let it stop them from trying to befriend other, different people.

@Brexile I probably do take rejection too personally. I’ve read that this can be ND but also my mum I felt rejected me. She suffers from an illness that growing up meant I was invisible. I certainly tried to be invisible so that I didnt do anything to make her worse. She was emotionally non existent. I think this has made me very under confident.

Ignore the nasty posts OP. Stick with people who don’t pretend and research neurodivergent traits if you think that might be helpful.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

We can all feel like that if we choose OP. Some of us like to see ourselves as unique and weird and different from others, and view our interactions in a way that validates that. Others of us choose to focus on the common ground we can find and share with other people.

Yeah. Some of the responses are wild.

I think that’s fair. Nothing you’ve actually said, OP, suggests you’re particularly distinctive, ‘odd’, or free-spirited. You just overthink social interactions and don’t gel with your ILs, and that’s ok. Lots of people don’t. Maybe it would help to stop thinking of yourself as anomalous so much.

@SuprasternalNotch I think you’re probably right. I think I’ve got a bit of trauma that gets triggered. I probably do overthink. I do wish I could stop and move on and stop this people pleasing attitude.

You don't have to become a people pleaser. You just need to shift your focus from yourself to them. Put thoughts of yourself to one side and listen to and be interested in other people. In the majority of cases you will find something about another person that resonates, a shared view or interest, something they say that makes you think or challenges your perspective. That's what social interaction is about. It's not about seeing yourself reflected back by others.

@5128gap I do have friends. I am a good listener. I struggle with family a whole load more. I can’t avoid them or move on. I keep trying to fit in when I just can’t seem to. I think from people’s posts it’s just that we don’t gel and I haven’t figured it out.

Simplefoke family can be far more judgmental than friends and it can hurt. You need to stand up for yourself also, when she told you off for offering apologies to the grandchild when dog passed which was a lovely thing to do instead of not acknowledging it at all, you should have said I just said sorry for the loss and thought I was been kind and I did not know I could not text her. They sound awful anyway and rude and clickey.

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants I really to want to stand up for myself. There have been a few underhand comments, some about my eldest daughter, not my partners. I’ve really wanted to say something but I get shocked and fall silent. I really don’t want to start something and cause issues for my partner. I have a health condition, it’s autoimmune. I had tests and confirmed by a consultant, the dad that says I’m lazy and the mum wont even acknowledge it, make no allowances. I’m ok, stress makes it worse, being around them makes it worse as my body can feel the tension. I just want to tell them to get lost really.

That is so weird as have autoimmune health issues too. I understand about the freezing thing and I was like you when younger but now in peri-menopause would say something. Think it is just getting older and not putting up with crap said to you. Is difficult when there is a few all of their crowd all starring at you and the words are there in your head but cannot get them out. Your partner should have a word with them and he needs to have your back so they know not to say things to you to make you uncomfortable. They are vile if making comments about your daughter, and I do understand as was in that situation myself and totally lost who I was and before was content and confident and it brought me down so much. Am happily single and staying single as more relaxed life and easier. I would not go there as much as you also have to think of your physical and mental/emotional health. I would say to them if they say anything about your daughter again if you can find your voice. 'it is one thing putting me down or making me feel uncomfortable but do not ever talk about my daughter like that again'. I think they will be shocked and do not engage further with them if they start arguing and keep your dignity. Talk to your partner or write him a letter as easier get the words down explain how you feel and how hurtful their comments are and about your daughter and how you need him to have your back for you and your little family. Hope things get better for you. Us sensitive souls do not like to argue at all and are shocked with the things some people think is ok to say as would never be like that. It is like they take pleasure in it and just be yourself and it is ok that you are different and not like them as they do not sound kind at all .