Does anyone else feel like they just don’t fit in anywhere?

[Simplefoke]

I don’t know what it is, whether there is something wrong with me. I’ve just always been so bloody awkward around people.

I am a little different I suppose, but not in a bad way, bit of a free spirit. I was the black sheep in my family but not in a major way. I’ve a few friends, they are all a little strange lol. They are people who don’t follow conventions and are more open in how they talk. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

I don’t seem to fit in with my partners family. I’m pleasant but I think they think I’m a bit weird. I don’t think I’m that weird. I find it hard to just put on a smile and get on and pretend.

Anyone else like this?

People have said this to me too. I don't think I'm better than anyone. Whatever it is I do that gives people that impression, it's not what's going on inside me.

Google the AQ50 and fill that in, see what result you get.

@Pupupthenight I don’t get that. People ask how am I and I tell them how I am and they aren’t interested….why ask…I don’t understand. If I ask someone then I’m thinking will talk to me and I’m willing to listen. It’s all confusing.

I'm a bit like you OP, dont really fit in. Have no real friends other than some of the family as I did not and do not keep in touch with people. I have very high standards and don't really like socialising in formal invites - informal ones are ok

@RedHelenB he is such a kind person. He is like me in the sense if you ask something he will give you the answer, not some strange small talk not answer type of answer. He is very giving and he does everything to the best he can. He hoards crap but that’s just one bad thing.

@Simplefoke

I get where you coming from in regards of small talk 👄 it comes across as talk lite just meaningless niceties kind of talk chit chat to acquaintances,

a bit like allmost masking 😷 to try to fit in, into society,
like saying automatically as knee jerk response if someone asks how you are,

I am OK,
even though you are not,

just so you dont come across as a miserable bugger

or
It's just general talk lite,

when sometimes or occasionally someone asks how you are?
you can sense they are only asking not cause they are really that interested in how you are,

its just cause its either a way for them to get you interested in themselves and how they are really feeling,
or
it's talk li

I much prefer deep and meaningful talk and talk about interesting things places and interesting subjects history art etc

and quirky subjects aspects and tv programmes ect,

i used to wonder what the point of this kind 🤔 of bland beige talk was about

then i realised i had a,bit of epiphany moment L.o.l 😊
about its,relevance of small talk...

Have they said they don't like you? Have you tried being you? Or are you just saying what they want you to say to fit in? Because this is what I mean by self confidence. I would bet that you are a super interesting person and any topic you raise would be interesting aswell but for some reason your conforming to their topics of conversation or none at all. Do you have the confidence to try your own topics? Have you tried and been closed down? If you don't then you should look into social anxiety or asd or both. People with asd hyper focus and struggle to even allow the thinking space of topics they don't care about

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator It’s not that I have high standards I just want things to be literal and none of these queues I don’t understand. I can’t read people.

I know. I used to answer honestly and wonder why people looked confused. Took me many years to realise I was answering incorrectly!

I've so many examples of this I could fill the thread. I spent decades trying to convince everyone I wasn't "stuck up" or "full of myself" or "patronising". I've been pulled up on my tone so many times, I still don't know what they meant. The thoughts in my head don't correspond to how I say things, I can't work out what I'm doing wrong so I give up.
I've accepted that I'll never fit in and that's ok.

"You think you're so much better than everyone else don't you?"

Yes, that precisely what my parents used to say to me. We're NC now.

I think it's obvious, on this thread, that a lot of people just get it. And some just....don't 🙄

@Simplefoke
Talk lite *again sorry typo mistake

@Mummy2024 they make fun of me and brush me off when I un mask. They aren’t interested in me and it’s so obvious I haven’t got that wrong.

Simplefoke

You do not have to hang out with these people. YOU. DO. NOT.

Hanging out with my own parents, who are very similar, used to cause me a near physical pain. They are racist, their life is very dull, and- most importantly- I finally realised that they just don't like me. They have never liked me. I am just different and weird to them, and they hate that. And the penny dropped- I don't have to spend time with people who dislike me- even if they are my own family.

If your partner really is a kind person, then he should understand this.

do you know what?

I totally agree

Right well that's a them problem not a you problem. So you are not "weird" they are bullies and should be shunned for good, husbands family or not. You should be you and stuff the consequences. My son and my husband have self confidence issues. They care so much what others think they change themselves to suit. I am fiercely the opposite I couldn't care less what others think of me to the point if they try to belittle me and its happened, I let them know in no uncertain terms I don't not give 2 s**ts what other people think about me. They are inconsequential to me and their thoughts and ideals of what i should say and do are too. It shut them down immediately and nothing has been said similar since. I want to add I was bothered by it for days tbh but I didn't let them see that and I haven't changed my ways for them either.

@Mummy2024 I don’t know why but if I just accept the thought that they don’t like me it makes me feel worse. It’s another load of people who don’t like me to add to everyone else who’s either bullied, abused, neglected or belittled me. I don’t think I’m horrible or offensive. I don’t talk about people, I want to help people. I don’t know how to be likeable. I mean some people do like me but I mean family love, to be part of something. I’m really accepting as a person, I can’t seem to get that in return from family.

It doesn’t mean they don’t like you at all.

Just because they don’t gel with you that’s not the same as disliking someone

I would not let this particular family live in your head rent free though

You could definitely try to make more small talk with them - doesn’t matter if you don’t like it you can still try it. It is ok to talk about the weather - I mention it multiple times a day!

Wanting things to be literal indicates ND OP which is fine.

I don't "fit in" really, but I am happy to not go too deep with many people.

I would think about it differently, sometimes conversations about who died, or who has bought which house can lead to really interesting conversations.

If people are homophobic say, gays jokes ha ha, then small talk with them are all you should aspire to surely?

Wanting others to change to become interested in the deeper topics is not going to happen. What deeper topics do you want to talk about? And have you asked yourself if you want to talk about them, hear different views, enter a debate you are prepared to change your mind if the arguments from others are more rounded, or do you want to basically lecture, tell people how they are going or thinking all incorrect and you are the more enlightened one?

This is why there is small talk. It helps establish who is of similar mindset.

Your mind needs to be open for other people, you can be a black sheep but a black sheep that is really needed in a group. You can change minds and phobics, but it takes time and minimal judgement to begin with.

Posters saying they have "high standards", to be honest I don't know what that means, to be politically correct, which again is difficult to determine, to dress for any occasion, to have a show home and polished car, to have read the 'right' books, not like football but enjoy a bit of cricket? I just don't know what that means.

My advice, relax, enjoy people with all their messy attributes, don't judge, have a glass of wine and try and work out if the people who bought number 10 might or might not be ok even if they haven't read any deep high brow literature.

I am a bit of a black sheep but luckily can be a grey one with other grey sheep. It's an ok place to be.

@frozendaisy Im not into deep literature, never read anything like that. His family are very closed, never complain never explain type people. I don’t see the point in them bluntly. They aren’t interested in how we feel. You can’t ask support off them. They aren’t interested in our child, their grandchild. You go chat about strangers and come home. I don’t understand it. I get small talk with strangers but this is family.

Hi! I’m ND and I have learned to make small talk with people. Holidays, what have you been up to, wasn’t this/that good, did you see Eurovision, etc.
Sometimes I meet up with people and this is all that’s talked about! I’m always surprised - it’s so superficial! And then everyone goes home and I think - is that it? And the answer is yes, that was it, everyone had a nice time and that’s how it is. Nothing deep. All seemed happy. But the people that I get on best with leap straight into the deep end about all sorts of things, the the point of religion, in depth discussion of parenting, ND issues, ranting about politics, reminiscing over fun times. Conversation shoots around all over the place because our brains fizz out ideas and we can’t remember what we were talking about before, although sometimes we spark back to it. (Probably ADHD).
It’s classic ASD to not feel that you fit in places, and also to not get the complicated social dance that many people do around each other. I’m not saying you are, but it might be worth looking into in case it resonates with you, and if you read up on it you might get to a better place or self-understanding and acceptance, and this might help you feel better about not connecting quickly with certain people.
I find quirky people easily the most interesting. Yes it can be a disability but many of the most successful and certainly the most interesting people I’ve met show autistic traits. So don’t worry if you are, but you could use some of the info to help you develop a more positive self narrative and get more comfortable with people who aren’t like you.
In any case, your PiL sound pretty hard work and it doesn’t sound like they’re investing much time and effort into getting on with you and your family. Sounds like a them problem really and I’m sorry to say you probably just need to cut your expectations down. It’s a shame since it’s family but it doesn’t sound likely that you’ll be able to make them change.

They are probably lonely with each other and when there's want to talk and be the ones sounding interesting, when they aren't.

They most likely brag about their grandson to the neighbours. It's not uncommon.

Honestly just accept it. Perhaps meet them out in a park or somewhere different, mix it up, see how they react.

OP, you’re coming across as a bit of a whiner. What is it you would like to be talking about with your partner’s family? What kinds of things interest you?

@SuprasternalNotch I suppose what you been up to, how you feeling, what the kids have been doing. How was work and those funny customers…personal things about what happening in our lives…not strangers, it feels so impersonal.

But perhaps they would find your stories about your job and your strange customers as dull as you say you find their stories about people you’ve never met?

@SuprasternalNotch perhaps. All I know is they aren’t interested in us as people and what we are doing. They aren’t interested in their grandchild. We are just on different wavelengths. I’m interested in what they are doing and how they are. But if I ask I get ignored. If I tell them about what their grandchild did at play group they aren’t interested. It must bore them.