Does anyone else feel like they just don’t fit in anywhere?

[Simplefoke]

I don’t know what it is, whether there is something wrong with me. I’ve just always been so bloody awkward around people.

I am a little different I suppose, but not in a bad way, bit of a free spirit. I was the black sheep in my family but not in a major way. I’ve a few friends, they are all a little strange lol. They are people who don’t follow conventions and are more open in how they talk. I don’t do well with people who pretend because I can’t seem to do that myself.

I don’t seem to fit in with my partners family. I’m pleasant but I think they think I’m a bit weird. I don’t think I’m that weird. I find it hard to just put on a smile and get on and pretend.

Anyone else like this?

Yes and a lot of us sort help and therapy for years without getting any better, chasing the trauma/bad childhood fix.

It was finally a NHS therapist that gently asked me when we I had ever considered that I could be ND.

I totally empathise with this.
I'm very reactive to people. As you say if they are friendly and pleasant I can relax and talk easily. But if they aren't I lose my self confidence and feel bad about myself. I've always felt other people's moods and demeanour are my fault.

^

For a long time I felt parallel to people. I'm very social, lots of friends and can get on with most. Although I can come across as very 'deep' when you meet me or don't know me. When I was younger people would often say I was 'an old soul' and now I'm older people feel that I'm a solid and grounding presence. I feel that these are positive attributes.
However, it always seemed like there was a veneer on how people spoke to each other and some of it felt superficial. I realised that this was 'small talk' and this is what I don't enjoy. I love a deep and meaningful conversation but now understand that you have to sit through the getting to know someone phase and just ride it out so you can get to that deeper connection.

I'm ASD and ADHD also so all of this now makes a bit of sense to me.

Well in my case, I had trauma from not being understood and from people telling me I was being deliberately difficult. They didn't understand my spiky profile of being able to do some things very well, yet others I struggled with, There is still an attitude of 'well if you can do X then you should be able to do Y'.

I love this - spoke about disliking small talk in my other comment but this is wonderful way of reframing it or giving it a different perspective. Thank you!

Are you very young OP? it seems a lot like "me and them" situation - you and your friends (who are "free spirited", "weird" etc) and "other" people (who are dull, "pretend" or simply make comments which you find unpleasant). Would you say you never liked them very much, from the beginning and they sensed it? Or was it ok to start with but you felt they dislike you, and this made you not trying to be friendly?

I think if they are really hostile and unfriendly, then don't bother. But if you think its just you, then try to make an effort - if it goes well, maybe in time you won't have to mask so much as they will be more accepting of the "real" you - in the end of the day, your friends like you, and I assume your DH does?

Also, judging by your comments regarding MIL commenting on your packing - which does not sound like anything bad, tbh - are you sure they actually dislike and exclude you, can you really say you are judging the situation correctly? If you have an issue with "reading the room" - maybe you are not exactly right? Some people can be a bit no nonsense, or voice their opinions too freely, but it doesn't necessarily mean they dislike you.

I think people are putting words into my mouth. I have never said that others are dull. I said that I don’t understand all the small talk. I don’t get how or why I’m supposed to do it. I would very much love to be loved by my partners parents, any family would be a bonus. It causes me sadness that I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I will but I’m extremely awkward in situations where I need to sit around a table or sit through a family bingo session. I’d rather run off and do something else. His parents make comments because I don’t do things I’m supposed to do. They don’t know me at all, I mask so badly I don’t like myself. The conversations usually revolve around people they all know who I’ve no interest in because I don’t them or I just don’t like to talk about other people. When I look around it seems to me like everyone is not being themselves. Jokes are mostly about others or sexual, they talk about houses prices and puzzles stuff I can’t relate to. I sit in silence most of the time. If I say something they literally look at me like I’m weird. I am weird so I get that, well I feel weird.

@localnotail no I’m 40.

Exactly.

We have a family event coming up in a few weeks. 3 days away and I’m crapping myself. I can’t get out of it. 3 days of feeling like im
from another planet yet trying to fit it and be part of the conversation for fear of sitting on my own and looking like a loner. 3 days of awkward conversation where everyone else seems at ease but me. Walking next to his mum and not knowing what to say because everything I ever say is met with silence or just complete confusion.

I've occasionally been accused of being "pretentious" because I like books and use long words

but thats bugger all to do with fact your ND and it’s a NT saying this (although how would you know anyway)

and it’s all to do about you talking to someone thick @crackofdoom

what’s your partner like socially?

he doesn’t seem to try to draw you in to conversations if you mostly sit there in silence

@lentilloved its funny you say that because he is ND. It’s one of the reasons I was drawn to him after being with other people who just didn’t get me. They Couldn’t understand why I don’t like noisy environments and too many people, thought I was just being selfish. He unfortunately doesn’t really understand when I’ve told him how I feel about this. He thinks everyone gets on fine.

Simplefoke - I totally get where you're coming from. I think that in society (and in my experience when I was a totally conventional wife and mother) you're expected to interact with people in a superficial way. I am foreign where I live, and married into a family in a gossipy closed small town. At first I tried to interact with the people here so I could make friends and also I tried to fit in with my in-laws but to be honest, I was totally not interested in anything they had to talk about, on any views they had about things, and on many aspects of the limited culture here.

I went through a totally surprising and eye opening marriage breakup and divorce three years ago and now that I'm more confident I feel I can totally be myself. And unfortunately that means I have let most of those people go. Feeling that I sacrificed and betrayed my true self to accommodate others, who let me down, was a valuable lesson to be true to myself. If people don't like me because of who I am, because I refuse to "play the game" so be it. I may have fewer friends, but my friends are 100% loyal and they care about me for who I sincerely am.

that doesn’t answer my question

how does he get on socially that you’ve seen?

and be never draws you in to conversations?

@Lomita277 I was married for 12 years and I left him because he was awful, abusive really. I left with no money and built myself up, never feeling like I fit anywhere, never getting any support. I don’t know what it would feel like to be supported by family. Now I’m in this world with this family and I feel a million miles away. I can’t relate to them. They have all stayed in their marriages and has supportive partners and parents. They find life easier to navigate it feels. I just don’t. I never have done. I have nothing to say in conversations that could relate to them and it’s seems they don’t either to me. It’s like I don’t have the shallow end in the swimming pool anymore, it’s just straight in the deep end.

@lentilloved ummm he seems ok. He has a nice group of friends that are based around a mutual interest. Some of them are really nice. He tries to include me more since I told him. But they tend to talk about people and things I don’t know about, it’s very clicky feeling. It all goes over his head. The family are quite emotionally distant, lots of talk about people and stuff.

they don’t sound all that nice if they leave you in silence

work environment? colleagues?

@lentilloved sorry the friends are nice, the family not really.

what was school like?

and why can’t you just socialise with the friends you say are similar that you feel comfortable with?

ok so the issue seems to be squarely family based leaving you out and making you feel crap.

that needs to be addressed by your partner

how old are you? any children?

@lentilloved school was hard, I was bullied and then went onto higher education and a masters and was bullied then also. I didn’t really understand what was happening most of the time. Some people were just horrible. I moved away from home for uni and masters and I struggled and was very alone.

I think it’s difficult because if I wasn’t feeling like this or struggling with people perhaps I’d fit in really well and there would be no problem. What can he tell them, please like my partner more. They can’t help being them. They make lots of sexual jokes and jokes about women and housework and I hate all that. Jokes about gay people jokes about this and about that, I hate it. Jokes about people’s metal health. If only they knew how I really felt. I don’t think I can really like them, which is probably not helping.

You say you can't get out of it. I used to think this. So I powered through, making myself miserable and, in the end, ill.

I got to my late 40s and totally burned out / shut down.

I got out of my relationship, and therfore got rid of the majority (if not all) of the expectations and being made to feel like shit.

It's wonderful being me. Weird, yes? and I'm more than happy with that. Im comfortable with who I am, and I enjoy my own company. Having people pointing stuff out and making me feel utterly awful all the time is something that took its toll. I don't make myself feel like that, but others did. Getting rid of that burden is the best thing I've ever done.

I'm Autistic, BTW.

It actually is difficult if they have asd and or social anxiety. OP has made clear they feel they are a free spirit. That's code for low self esteem in my opinion. They feel like an outsider to pretty much the whole population and do not want to say it.

My son is going through this exact thing. It's a vicious circle. Hes not comfortable in his own skin. Describes himself as weird, this invokes fear of speaking to people for fear of judgement and in turn people move away from him due to the difficulty in having a conversation.

He has some relationships but they are limited. I've pushed for therapy and spoken to him extensively to improve his self worth and confidence. He's doing better at the moment and making an effort to improve his situation and I've made a big effort to show him I've noticed and I'm proud of him, but it is far from easy for him.