Unhealthy relationships between my grown up kids and partner

[Tracey121970]

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

Sorry, but you need to get out of this relationship. He is not good for you or your children.

When he 'beat me black and blue' did you call the police. Who owns the house you live in, I think you know you need to end it with him.

He's an abusive piece of shit: physically, emotionally and financially.

You need to leave him, or he needs to leave.

Please contact Women's Aid, they'll advise you with regard to the practical stuff.

Er no, you are not being unreasonable. Get the fuck out and fast! Jesus woman, run for the hills!!

He's an evil abuser, and you need to leave or lose your children.

Jesus Christ.

if after 5 years your business isn’t making a profit - you need a job. This isn’t a start up business. At 5 years with no profit - it’s an expensive hobby.

You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and pay your way to get financial security.

he beats you up. He’s awful to your children. He sulks. He’s controlling. He’s emotionally manipulative.

leave. Leave or face a future where your children don’t want to meet up with you. Where you won’t see the grand children as they don’t want them around the man you picked over them.

You are choosing this nasty piece of work over their wellbeing and your safety?

You know the answer, it comes across loud and clear in your post. You are not happy, nobody could be happy in that situation and he will not change. So do you want to live like this forever, not being able to make plans? Not able to do nice things, not having a home where your children are welcome and feel comfortable? Good luck OP.

I can't find a positive thing in your post about your relationship. Definite financial abuse. 12 years is a long time to put up with his awful behaviour not to mention the damage to your relationship with your children. What's keeping you with him?

You are being hugely unreasonable staying with this utter shit and exposing your kids to his horrific behaviour.

I've voted YABU for what you have put your children through. You are being severely abused, you have been for years, and you have exposed your children to his severe abuse.
Your anxiety and low self-esteem are because of him, you need to understand that.

I hope for your sake your children forgive you. When they have children of their own they might completely realise how badly you let them down, just be aware of that.

Your focus is on the wrong thing. I mean this gently, but you need to leave.

From your children's perspective, you've let them down massively. You, their mother have chosen to prioritise a man who hates them over your relationship with them.

He kicked off at your dd who was 12, ruined your ds's birthday and beat you up and you dismiss that as a break down but it wasn't was it? It was his abusive self coming out to test what you'd put up with and you showed him you'll take his side.

As far as the money goes, you cannot afford to be self employed, making a small amount of money and having this man pay your bills.
You're trapped with him and as he's shown you, he can leave you penniless at any time. And he will.

There are so many reasons for you to leave him - the verbal and emotional abuse of your dc, his physical abuse of you, his financial abuse of you, that he's an awful man and a bully. Pick any of these, get a job and get out.
And apologise to your children for inflicting this man on them.

Your poor children. It's about time you picked them over your arsehole of a boyfriend.

I hope your DC have not been irreconcilably damaged by this bastard.
I cannot imagine why you are still with him.

YABU to remain in this abusive relationship!

Open your eyes
Get help
Get out

This is so many levels of abuse towards both you and your DC. Please please get away from this scumbag. Do not let him harm you or your DC again, and do not let your children think it’s okay to either behave this way, or to accept this type of behaviour in a relationship.

Choose your children.

This man is a piece of shit who is abusing you physically, financially and emotionally. You know you have to go.

What on earth are you doing wasting your life with this turd of a man?! 😳😳😳

What are all these start up/self employed businesses I only hear about on MN.
They never seem to be doing well!

It's called domestic abuse. Bit of financial abuse thrown in there too just to control you. Please, please speak to women's aid. This isn't normal x

Your thread title makes me think you only see a problem with your DCs relationship with him. He beat you black and blue, he's abusive and you need to leave. Who's name is the house in?

Your partner is the problem.
You are being abused.
Leave him.
Reconnect with your DC.

It was in my name when i met him but he bought into the house so now joint

Sorry, but why are you putting your children through this?

Call for help. You are not going to be able to break this man’s hold on you easily. He has been abusing you and your innocent children for FIVE YEARS. Fighting with your children, goading them, abusing them, estranging them from you has been going on since they were minors. Call for help. Get out.