Unhealthy relationships between my grown up kids and partner

[Tracey121970]

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

If you got him out of your life your anxiety would probably improve. No wonder you're anxious, you are living with a violently unstable powderkeg

You are being unreasonable for staying with the abusive wanker.

"Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him"
Well this is your choice , but your poor fucking kids. He's a bastard.

Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue

Did you call the police?

Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him

That's not something to be proud of. Because you think hes more important than your own children?

one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off

You're blaming your children. Sounds like you stay with him for selfish reasons like you don't want to work properly outside of your failed business. I'm surprised your children speak to you at all.

I see that the @Tracey121970 hasn't returned to answer the questions in this thread as it didn't go the way she wanted.

This is a very triggering thread for victims of DV and especially for children that could not defend themselves.

Thank you 🙏🏻 Teachers are life lines of stability in some children’s lives, mine helped me learn so much more than an academic subjects. School can be a place of safety.

I fear op will never leave him, I recognise the radio silence as denial of reality.

It really saddens me. The reason her children haven’t left her yet, I suspect is that they are probably terrified he will kill their mother. The stress of living in fear will shorten their young lives. The misery of living with a man like this is indescribable. The pain of feeling completely alone in the world with no protection and the biggest monster in the world lives inside your four walls not outside.

Op, if you are still reading you can salvage this situation still. My mum is too old and too ill to leave. Have you any idea how horrendous it is to grow old and frail with a man like this? A living hell. Far worse than now… if you live that long.

But we don’t all act like twats because of it.

I think thus is going to be one of those threads where the OP doesn’t come back and the children continue to suffer. It’s a shame really

Yes, it is triggering. I was a child victim of domestic abuse. Both directly (as a target of psychological and emotional abuse), and indirectly, as I watched my mother - abused in every way- choose her abusive partner over her kids time and time again. I have CPTSD as a result.

I still think the OP is a victim of abuse and does not need to be further abused on this forum.

Yet another fucking thread on MN where a woman puts dick before her kids

Your poor children spending too many years of their young lives with their mother choosing an abusive cunt over them time and time again and minimising the untold damage as ‘unhealthy’ - fucking hell understatement of the year.

If he’s beaten you black and blue there’s only one relationship that you need right now and that’s with the police. A crime has been committed, a serious assault. Do you realise that? You need to prioritise the welfare of your children and yourself. Of course they don’t like him.

www.womensaid.org.uk/