Unhealthy relationships between my grown up kids and partner

[Tracey121970]

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

There is not one drop of love, respect or kindness in your relationship.

Why are you subjecting your children and yourself to this absolute piece of crap of a man?

So basically you've chosen your abusive boyfriend over your kids?
You know what you need to do, get out of this relationship and work on repairing your relationships with your kids

This man is horribly abusive - not just to you but to your CHILDREN and you say 'I stood by him' as though it's a badge of honour?

If him forcing your child out of her own home, or the incident where he traumatised them both on your son's birthday and beat you up didn't wake you up, I guess nothing will.

I'd say run, but you won't.

You know you are not being unreasonable and you are allowing your children to be in a home where DV is present (albeit it may not always be physical) so no wonder they don’t like him.

You need to contact charities and perhaps family for help and get this man out of your life before things escalate. It’s hard but what if it’s your daughter next time he beats black and blue? You have the power to stop this.

Your poor children. You need to leave this arsehole.

Well you are being unreasonable because you chose an abusive man over your children. Only you know why you've done that. If im guessing its because you have suffered abuse before and im sorry if thats the case. And now you're financially dependent on him. You need to get a proper job that pays a salary so you can be rid of him and try to salvage your relationship with your children.

Stop it.

This is vile abuse - you are abusing someone who is already a victim of abuse.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

She is allowing her children to be abused. It’s a hard fact but she needs to face it.

I don't feel sorry for op, I feel sorry for her kids. She needs a bloody good head wobble to pick her partner over her kids.

The lack of understanding of DV and the lack of empathy is astounding.

Victim blaming contributes to the problem and makes it harder for people to leave.

My god, people and smug and vile.

“a good head wobble” in the context of domestic abuse?

Try and think and reflect about what you have just said.

This man abuses you and your children. He's disgusting. How can you have any respect for him? Get angry and leave.

And to be clear: YANBU. Money doesn't excuse ANYTHING.

Gently, love, you have really bad anxiety that’s stopping you from working (not that working or not is the point), because you’re in a horribly abusive relationship. You’re treading on eggshells.

He’s supporting you financially, because he’s made you so anxious you can no longer go to work. Then he makes that support precarious or conditional, exacerbating your anxiety. He’s isolating you from your children and making that relationship as difficult as possible so nobody can intervene.

Your fight, flight, fawn response must be in overdrive all the time. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Before you met him, you had a house in your name. Presumably a job. You had two kids you (again presumably) had lovely relationships with. And he’s taken each one of those away from you with his abuse.

I absolutely believe you can also get all of these back- and it starts by getting rid of him.

Womens aid and the police can help you. The abuse is physical, financial, emotional and psychological. You can probably chuck coercive control in there too. It’s all a crime. Maybe start with carefully and secretly contacting Women’s aid for advice- they can help you navigate this safely.

And tell your family what’s been happening.

You can do it, love. It starts by asking for help though.

Don't worry @XMissPlacedX pretty certain that the Op's partner gives her a good head wobble.

This is wonderful advice.

There is help out there.

Attitudes have changed.

Please ignore the negative voices from him, in your head and from others.

You can do this, reach out - get help.

This agree on everything

This relationship must not continue. Terrible example being set for kids. Finish it!!

@Tracey121970 I suspect this thread has not gone how you expected and you must be feeling blindsided, scared, hurt, attacked, worried, anxious, alone and so many other feelings.

However, your children will have been feeling lots of the same feelings but can't do anything about it. You can and you must. Start a new thread if you want saying you need practical and emotional help and support to leave and you will get it.

There is no other option as he might well kill you next time.

This! I voted YABU because you're unreasonable regarding your poor children!

Bin him. He sounds dreadful

Yabu to keep (and have kept) putting this man before your kids. He is a cunt and you need to get rid.

I will never understand why some people put an abusive partner ahead of their children.

@Tracey121970

You know this is a terrible relationship you have with your "partner" don't you? He is not only controlling you emotionally and financially but also physically- he's also assaulted you and has "beat [you] black and blue". Did you report this assault at the time?

How can you put up with or excuse this situation - especially as your children are so affected by his behaviour?

You really do need to think again about how you get out of this situation, including reconsidering your business, which is not bringing in enough/any money, forcing you to rely financially on someone who behaves so aggressively.

Could you not take on a regular paid job, even for three or four days a week and do your self-employed job for the rest of the time so you have some regular money of your own coming in - which should be in your OWN personal bank account, to such he has no access? Especially if he so regularly empties the joint account? You are very vulnerable financially and that's not good for you nor for your children.

Would you consider getting advice from an organisation which could point you in the right direction to get away from him and also help build your funds and your drift-confidence that you could manage financially? You could try Women's Aid, or Citizens Advice, for example. 🌹