Unhealthy relationships between my grown up kids and partner

[Tracey121970]

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

Please inform the police that you are planning to leave an abusive relationship- they can help you do it safely.

My God, get away from this horrible bully before you lose your kids forever.

Your children deserved better.

Your children haven't got an unhealthy relationship , you have an unhealthy relationship with him and he is an abusive and manipulative man. You will lose your relationship with your children and you are letting them live in a horrible home. You need to make plans to end it. This is no life.

I was hoping someone would be along to heap more abuse on the abused woman.

We’ll done you 👍

I voted YABU for staying with him and not putting your children first.

Your anxiety would improve no end with him out of your life.

Raise your bar and get rid. You are worth more than this.

Is he really worth losing your children for? Because that might happen one day.

I find it interesting that you refer to his beating you, emptying the bank account and generally being abusive to you/your children, as a “meltdown” or a “breakdown”. This kind of language implies it’s not his fault and he has no control over any of it. But he does. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Abusers always do. It’s not out of his control, it’s not something that happened to him. He decided to beat you on your child’s birthday (do they know about that? Were they in the home?) he decides to empty that bank account each time to punish you for any reason. And you decide to stand by him.

As someone who lived this I WISH someone would have said this truth to my mum.

She was weak. She put her own neediness and loneliness above us. She weaponised her victimhood against us when we'd had enough.

I also lived through this and it wouldn’t have helped my mum to be beaten down further.

agree with the sentiment but it could have been delivered better.

Why are you with him? Because he pays the bills?
If the house is in your name, kick him out. If it’s in his, you need to go to a refuge, and your adult children can go with you. Call women’s aid for advice.
You are going yo just have to face up to anxiety here sorry. “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. You will feel better when you’re not living with a bastard.

OP, you would almost certainly find that your anxiety evaporated and your confidence returns if you were not living on eggshells.

Was it 6 years ago when your Dd was 12 that he beat you black and blue?

He is currently both emotionally and financially abusive. He uses emotional blackmail and money to keep you downtrodden and in a state where you silently beg for the next time he love bombs you.

His treatment of your Dd is truly horrible. Poor girl. How would you feel if she was in a relationship like this? Because in truth you are not showing her what a healthy happy relationship is , and by allowing her to see that you have prioritised an abusive man over her , you risk that her own depleted self esteem will end up with her enduring similar abuse.

Has he been physically abusive at other times?

You can leave him but it isn’t as easy as ‘just leave’. Needs thought and a plan.

Where is your son now?

Do you have family you could stay with? While you sort things out?

Women’s Aid can help but are inundated (sadly).

Can you get access to counselling to give you some emotional support professionally?

He is abusive, get out

Can you and your children make a secret plan to leave?
Maybe start by setting up a joint account with your dd, an online one with no post going to your house.
I have been in an abusive relationship. I know how paralyzing the fear is.
I also know that violence escalates. He has you exactly where he wants. Everything he says and does is planned to confuse you.

If you made a success of your busines he would take the money and sabotage it. He doesn't want you getting a running away fund. He doesn't want you gaining strength and independance. He wants you isolated and vulnerable.

If it is too new and scary for you to gather the courage to escape him, can you encourage your dc to leave and escape him @Tracey121970 ?

This is not unhealthy between your partner (and I use the term lightly) and your children. It's unhealthy between you and him and they can see that.

The only thing you can do is remove him from their lives. You have to decide if you do that by leaving him or them.

I'd choose leaving him over leaving my child.

The OP is a victim of domestic abuse.

Berating and criticising her is irresponsible nasty.

Stop.

I think you'll have anxiety because you live with this low life. Leave him. You won't have that dark cloud hanging over you not knowing what he's going to do. This is your anxiety. If he goes, your anxiety will most likely dissipate too. You will lead a much healthier life without him.

Leave him. Any man that’s hurts you and your dc is vile. Know your worth and leave.

OP I understand you’re a victim here but I really struggle when women fail to keep their children safe. You know you need to leave. Your children are the victims of abuse if course they don’t want a relationship with their abuser.

OP, you are a mature woman with adult children, you should be free to do as you please. He is dominating you and ruining all your other relationships. You would be much happier on your own. Separate from him. If you are afraid of him ask Women’s Aid for help to get away.

You're being unreasonable to stay for financial reasons and those brief glimmers of sunshine that the relationship brings, whilst pitting yourself and your children (who weren't adults all the time in tbis relationship) in the company of someone capable of financial, verbal, and physical abuse.

Is anxiety around employment not something you can get help for whilst working on your business in free time, and leave this situation? 5 years is an awfully long time to not be in profit while relying on the whims of an abusive controlling man.

This is so nasty.

She is a victim of domestic abuse.

You are contributing to the rhetoric that it is a woman’s “fault”.

Try and step back and think about your attitudes, you are about 50 years out of date.

@Imisscoffee2021 you should contact Women's Aid today. They can help you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Be sure not to let him see that you have the contact details. Save them as something else.

What is wrong with everyone?

This woman is a victim of domestic abuse, she needs support not further criticism. She needs hope.

I cannot believe the nastiness and the ignorance.

Get yourself and your kids away from this abusive man. Please please call women's aid.

Op I will write this as gently as I can. Someone very close to me had a very similar upbringing to the one that your children are having. One of the children stopped contact with his mother, not until he was in his 50s, it took that long for him to work through his feelings for his mum who whilst also a victim failed to protect him. The second sibling now hits his own kids and blames it on his experiences as a child.

I wish you strength to protect yourself and your kids.