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Original poster

Unhealthy relationships between my grown up kids and partner

163 replies

Tracey121970 · 10/05/2024 21:35

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 10/05/2024 22:01

Tracey121970 · 10/05/2024 21:35

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

I think you need to stop and re read what you’ve said here. Your son’s 18th birthday - your dd aged 12 was winding your dp up (that’s what kids do ffs!) and so he “beat you black and blue” and you’ve almost just glossed over that..? That’s absolutely un excusable. That’s not a breakdown. That’s a man who could have killed you. No wonder your kids hate him. So they should and so should you. He’s ruined their lives.

Nothinglefttosaynow · 10/05/2024 22:06

He is abusive. He has beat you up. He argues with your kids. He ruins plans last minute. He threatens to leave you whenever he feels you or the children do anything he doesn't agree with. You have no confidence in yourself. You need to leave him but make sure you are safe.

Actupfishy · 10/05/2024 22:08

You are being unreasonable, sorry....
why on earth have you not advocated for your children.
It's not to late to do so now.

you've faced awful abuse by the hands of this man and he's made your children's life a misery by the sounds of it.

You need out and it needs to happen now!

MrSlant · 10/05/2024 22:22

Please leave. I think you will find your missing confidence pretty quick if you treat yourself with kindness and get away from this abusive man.

toomuchfaff · 10/05/2024 22:58

You're meant to stand by your kids and protect them, not side with the shit head.

Isn't it about time you put your children first and got them away from this abusive dickhead? Show them that they mean something in your life, step up and be a parent and stop picking an abusive arse over them.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2024 23:03

Your poor kids. You've allowed their childhoods to be ruined by this man. Will you ever put them first?

Onetiredbeing · 10/05/2024 23:05

he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him.

You brought a man into their lives who they didn't have a choice about, because it's what you wanted and then you allowed them to live in a toxic environment? How is that ok with you?

Onetiredbeing · 10/05/2024 23:06

toomuchfaff · 10/05/2024 22:58

You're meant to stand by your kids and protect them, not side with the shit head.

Isn't it about time you put your children first and got them away from this abusive dickhead? Show them that they mean something in your life, step up and be a parent and stop picking an abusive arse over them.

That ship has sailed. Op has really let her kids down and the damage is probably done now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2024 23:08

😢

Beezknees · 10/05/2024 23:10

Surely this cannot be real?

If it is, you've been a terrible parent to allow a violent man around your kids.

WilliamButt · 10/05/2024 23:13

What do you want people to say? There's no advice anyone can give you that will make your relationship better or make him treat you differently.

potatowine · 10/05/2024 23:13

He’s abusing you and your kids a yet you still side with him rather than kicking him out and supporting your kids. Why ???!

Your kids come first. This man is an arsehole and you need to leave him now !
The house can be divided.
See a lawyer and women’s aid.

His swaying from Mr Nasty to Nice Guy is on purpose to keep you confused and stop you leaving. It’s a known abuser tactic.

It’s all an act to keep you toeing the line and he loves being in control and isolating you from your kids.

toomuchfaff · 10/05/2024 23:19

Onetiredbeing · 10/05/2024 23:06

That ship has sailed. Op has really let her kids down and the damage is probably done now.

Show quote history

Likely right.

grown up to believe abuse is acceptable, the done thing, and that they don't matter.

potatowine · 10/05/2024 23:23

he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Every time hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him.

So he beat you up, abuses your kids and you’re minimising it as his “breakdown” ? (The poor man ! )
You stood by him even after he beat you black and blue ?

When are you going to leave him ? So that you and your kids can recover and live in peace ?

CountryMumof4 · 10/05/2024 23:29

Your kids are 100% your priority here. It sounds like they've gone through years of hell being around this man, which need never have happened. Please leave, for both yours and theirs safely. This cannot end well, under any circumstance.

jelliestfish · 10/05/2024 23:31

I'm amazed that you are describing an incident in which your partner beat you black and blue as a fallout between him and your kids.

Your partner has been abusing you and traumatising your children for years. Please recognise that none of you should continue a relationship with him. He does not deserve your sympathy or loyalty.

AuntMarch · 10/05/2024 23:34

Read that back and imagine it's your daughter describing her future relationship. It's likely, if it is the example she sees.
What would you want for her? And why don't think you deserve that too?

Angelsrose · 10/05/2024 23:43

Leave now please. This man is dangerous. Don't become a statistic.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/05/2024 23:47

Why on earth have you be standing by him and not your kids?

BrightonFrock · 11/05/2024 00:35

Run as fast as you can as soon as you can. It’s the only possible way you can save your relationship with your children. It’s your best chance if making your own life bearable too.

Scurryfunge12 · 11/05/2024 00:53

You’re still there after he beat you black and blue and abuses your children? Jesus fucking Christ, your standards are non existent. I would resent my mother if she put me through living with a piece of shit like that. Why? 🙄

Frangipanyoul8r · 11/05/2024 01:52

Seek help immediately- you and your children are being abused.

Bournetilly · 11/05/2024 02:00

He’s abusing you. You've put him above your children for years, you allow him to speak to your children like that in their own home. Imagine how your children feel living like this, seeing you beat black and blue (especially when they were younger and didn’t have the option to move out).

You need to kick him out. You can’t put him first just because he’s paying the bills, you will have to look at getting a job that pays better.

LifeExperience · 11/05/2024 02:01

Your business has failed. You need to get a job and get rid of the abusive asshole whom you had the unmitigated gall to bring into your children's home and let abuse them. How dare you do that to your children!

Leave the bastard, yesterday, and apologize to your children for allowing this monster to abuse them.

YaMuvva · 11/05/2024 02:04

Woah woah / he beat you black and blue in front of your kids, at your sons 18th party, and you forgave him?

Frankly OP you’re lucky you haven’t had your DD removed from you. Stop it now before they decide their mother didn’t protect them well and go NC