Unhealthy relationships between my grown up kids and partner

[Tracey121970]

Hi. Where on earth do i start?
so i have been with my partner 12 years lived together for 7. For 5 years now he has paid most of the bills as im on a start up business thats not doing too well but ive lost all my confidence and have really bad anxiety so the thought of being employed terrifies me, i would rather work my bum off to be successful in my business venture. Anyway over the years my OH has had really really bad fallouts with both my kids my sons 18 th was ruined bcos my OH was getting wound by my daughter (12 at the time) and he had a meltdown kicking off st them both and beat me black and blue. Seems he had a breakdown. Anyway despite what he did i stood by him. Everytime hes had really bad fallout with one of my kids i stood by him. Last year my 18 yr old daughter got into a screaming row with him and ended up moving in with her bf family for 10 mths. Eventually they cleared the air and she came home. Since then he kicks off all the time if say she goes to the bathroom at say midnight he lies there going what the hell is she doing now? He makes her buy her own food which is fine as doesn’t pay board but then moans that she costing him electric to cook. The food. He kicks off if her bf stays and my daughter puts a couple of things of his in the wash basket . I don’t feel I can moan when his family took her in rent free.When i say kicks off I mean he empties our bank account moving the money away saying its his money anyway. He says he will cover bills for 3 mths till im earning more then changes his mind and goes back on it weekly but the most halmful is one minute we get on great i feel so happy then one tiny thing that one of my kids do that pees him off hes up like s bottle of pop kicking off saying im not happy i want out and i don’t want you then 2 days later hes saying he cant live without me 😢 its all so messed up i can never suggest nor look forward to anything bcos usually he will get angry a day or two before and say we not going so it gets cancelled! I have tried to be neutral in terms of saying what he does for us but its not all about money surely? Am i being unreasonable?

If my mum stood by her husband like you have done, I would disown her completely. Why is your failing business so important that you can't get a job and leave your partner. You have stood by and let him abuse your children, what message do you think you are giving your kids?

Your poor children having to live with an abuser. Leave him now for the sake of your children and get yourself therapy

Nah. Yabu.

I know exactly what those dc have gone through. You have failed as a mother for the last 12 years.

Now coming up with all the pathetic excuses as to why you can't leave the monster you forced into your children's lives just because you couldn't be alone.

Fuck your anxiety. I only have sympathy for your children's, how bad must theirs be.

Well that was a fucking stupid move wasn't it? Not so easy to get rid of the abusive bastard now. By the way he isn't your partner, he is your abuser. Time to start using the correct terminology.

Remember your children come first always, not a partner. This is the first rule of parenting you have failed to understand.

He beat you black and blue
That was your cue to be rid of him.

Do you mean he is actually on the deeds? Or has he convinced you that his money gives him a legal right to the house?

You know you have to leave him.

I despair about these women who are so obsessed about having a partner that they put their kids at risk. Then when it goes tits up, complain about the wrong thing. Call the police, report the assault (doesn't matter how long ago it was) and get rid of the bastard.

Your poor kids and shame on you thinking its ok for your daughter to buy her own food in her own house. You stood by and let it all happen, if you die do you think your abuser will let your kids inherit? Wake up and do something.

This can't be real?
When he beat you black and blue, that's when you should have walked away.

Get a job. See a solicitor. Kick him out.

I'm surprised any of your dc even bother with you anymore, I'd be no contact with a step father like that.
I'd be worried if I was you, you may end up totally on your own with him.

So you’re in an abusive relationship with a man who abuses your children too. If you can’t leave for your own sake do it for your children.

Being unreasonable isn't the word that springs to mind.

why do you love him more than your kids?

Leave.
Your anxiety is because you live with him. Do not let the mother of your kids be treated like that.

You ask where do I start?
Start by contacting woman’s aid for help and advice and LEAVE

Totally agree with this poster.
YOU! Should get a job.
YOU! Should get out.
YOU! Should have protected your kids against this abusive man.
Didnt you feel guilty towards your kids.
Get off your arse stop playing about with this silly hobby of yours and put your kids first instead of him and your non relationship with him.

This is abuse and he is also abusing your kids. Get rid of him.

Choose your life.
Choose your sanity.
Choose your safety.
Choose your health.
Choose your happiness.
Choose your future.
Choose your children.
Choose yourself.

Seven years. SEVEN YEARS. Your poor children. You know what you should do but it seems you won't. Women's Aid could help you if you are willing.

Suggest moving this to Relationships board - you will get a lot of support from women who have walked this path. You and your children have already put up with far too much - this is real LTB territory.

@Polishedshoesalways

Well done. You survived, you did better than your parents and you protected your children so they don’t experience what you went through.
As a teacher, I’m weary and furious of dealing with broken, distressed and chaotic children that are a direct consequence of the dysfunctional, abusive adults in their lives. To be fucked up and fucked over by life when you’ve barely reached double digits?
OP, I hope your children run as soon as they are able and leave you to your choices. And that they protect their children from toxic relationships.

Things your son has learnt in the last 7 years

It's ok to hit a woman
It's ok to belittle women
It's ok to financially abuse women

Things your daughter has learned over 7 years

Women are expected to put up with any old shit from a man because being with a man is more important than even their own children's wellbeing.

That is what you have taught them, so now teach them that it is not Ok and get rid of the POS.

You put this repulsive scum bag before your kids??!!!! No words.....

Apologize to your adult children and open your eyes!

Why are you prioritising this idiot over your own children? Paying the bills does not give him the right to beat you or scream at and bully you and your children.

No wonder you have bad anxiety.

Get help and get away from him. Put your children - and yourself first.

So he is abusive. Put your kids through hell but you think it's OK cos he pays for everything?

Please go do the freedom programme as a start even if you don't feel you cam do anything else at the moment

You lost me when you mentioned, he beat you black and blue?! That and the financial control, moving your shared money into another account! That's abuse, do you know that? I feel sorry for you and your children. Make plans to leave him.