Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

"Well good for them? And good for you?? We haven’t all had the same experiences of observing and learning social skills and etiquette. And I know you don’t care because you just want DS to be with someone like you/your family but he’s not. Can’t you see what you’re doing? She’s just not good enough for you. And don’t ask DS if she has anxiety. That would be fucking awful. Just use that knowledge the PP gave you to try to approach her with more understanding."

Yes of course I'd like my son's partner to have basic social skills such as saying hello and goodbye. Easy for you to anonymously say it wouldn't be important to you, but I find that hard to believe.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your son if she has anxiety and I don't think it's strange to be worried about yours sons future or to expect a woman who spends time in your house to be polite or have an explanation as to why she isn't.
I wouldn't tell him you don't like her but I would have an honest chat about how she comes across.
Other than that all you can do is hope things change for the better or fingers crossed it fizzles out.

Thank you.. of course I would never tell ds I didn't like her. The only thing I would ask him is if she was ok with me and what could I do to make things easier for her.

Been there, done that and got the teeshirt.

Oldest son's now ex-wife. Family had a similar background, both father's in the military, German background in one parent each. We are married, hers were divorced.

High School Sweethearts. We tried our best. We really did. She had a terrible relationship with her mother, so we gave her a room in our home. She needed money for a course to start a small business, we provided it.

They eventually moved into an apartment (that we later found out her mother owned). Our son paid the living expenses, bought the furniture and made sure she had funds for whatever she wanted. Her mother bought her car, her father paid her cellphone bill (this was still happening in her late 20s). She never held a job for more than a few months (thinks coffee and chocolate shops/retail).

They decided to get married, at this point we'd never met her father (10 years of being together). Met her Mum twice. She promised to take me with her to buy her wedding dress. Nope. Got told about it afterwards.

He dad gave her 1K for her dress, hair, etc. Our son paid for the dinner and the hall. We paid for all the alcohol and the buffet at midnight. We were allowed to invite two non-related couples. I thought fine as I knew they were trying to control costs. Her Mum had six coworkers and multiple personal friends invited.

Her mum accepted all the thanks for a great evening.

After the wedding, she decided she had fibromyalgia and got herself a cane.

The girl was and probably still is a lost soul looking for something but what it is we can't tell you. She had a Goth phase, a prepper phase and took up canning and fishing for their food. Then it was an interest in Norse mythology and had elements incorporated into their wedding ceremony.

She walked out on our son six months after the wedding stating "marriage isn't what I thought it would be". I know no one knows what goes on inside another couple's relationship but so many saw red flags and all we could do was be there when it imploded.

Our son is much happier without her. His personality is coming back. He's always been a nice man, it's just nice to see him with his own interests and without worrying about her.

Oh, and the final red flag? They went for genetic counselling due to some health issues in both sides. Basically, they were told as a couple they had a very small chance of having a healthy child (CF, CP, autism on her side). So my son suggested adoption, fostering, or even a donor egg. She wanted to take the chance to have "her" child.

When she did leave, she left our son with all her pets to look after. As he said, "at least we didn't have kids, she'd have left those behind as well".

Just be there because when it ends, your son needs love and affection, not blame.

@ohthejoys21

I would have that chat, it doesn't have to be accusing and insulting like others have suggested and for all you know he's picked up on it to and might appreciate the conversation. Good luck, and try not to look into the future and paint a picture with no grandkids, whatever her issue I'm sure your son loves you and wouldn't let that happen.

I was a bit like this when I was young - 17/18/19. Saying bye to people I didn't know really well was the one for me - I could never articulate why, and I still can't now, but I just couldn't force myself into the living room to say bye to my then boyfriend's parents/sister. The thought of it made me so anxious.

They probably thought I was very rude! I wasn't - just anxious. She might grow out of it.. I definitely did, and my ex partners mum was (and continues to be) someone I would consider a very good friend

When I cast my mind back it was just being unsure of the social expectation I think - did I hug goodbye, did I just wave, what if I sound really awkward when I say it etc. I didn't wanna come across strange so I just chose to avoid it.

Could very well be what she's doing! Trying to disappear into the background because she's so aware of her own actions

Hugs. V hard. Try to keep some individual link with your son. Lunch occasionally or a game or something

Thank you, yes my feeling is he would like the chat but I will have to tread extremely gently. I know he wants us all to get on I can feel it. And yes he does love me

I feel this way about my daughters boyfriend - he is just a bit of a knob. Very much a know it all and he isn't really nice enough to her. I mean he looks after her but is always taking the piss and in a slightly mean way. None of us like him but they have been together 3 years and she seems happy so not much I can do. We are nice to him and invite him places with us - treat him like we would any partner she had basically. I don't want to drive her away.

Thanks so much. I'm conscious of doing this. Dh (his step dad) has a brilliant relationship with him so there's that too.

I could’ve written this about my son’s choice in 2 previous girlfriends… I’m so glad I can now say previous! The one he’s set to marry is the nicest, sweetest girl and I couldn’t be happier. there is a distance between us which hurts but I know they both make each very happy and I can’t wait for the future for them.

i did the kill them with kindness, I did the they’re not welcome here too, ultimately he has to choose for himself and he will, whether that’s to carry on or not, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for not 😂

manners cost nothing! Not to say hello or goodbye is RUDE whether she wants to or not she SHOULD, as should anyone imo.

I’d like to say daughter did better but unfortunately worse.. I chose to just welcome, make convo and be polite until they ended. The most recent one, I’ve just refused to meet yet. Why? Because I already know her judgement isn’t great? I don’t want yet another man in our younger kids lives for what could be 2 weeks or 6 months, she knows this and has had no choice but to agree because she knows her previous haven’t done anything to keep any faith in her decision making.

it is ok to be disappointed but it is his choice so you have grin and bare it until he wakes up and realises she isn’t actually for him. Good luck keeping things amicable between you all ☺️ and if he chooses to move out, get married to her… then you smile, shout from the rooftops and continue how you are with her 😬

Naffisername sounds like you did everything you could to support them. I hope he meets someone lovely and he's right, thank gd they didn't have children. It mist be a weight lifted from you.

A sobering tale. I agree .

Xmasdaft2023 it's so hard isn't it! I hope your dd learns from her mistakes and even takes time out to be on her own for a while. Wow sounds like you have a lot of children!

The last time my ds was single he was 16. I'd just love him to concentrate on his friendships and just experience life on his own for a bit before he commits. But he's like me, loves companionship..

Very, very hard. I was your dd a long time ago with someone like that. My parents didn't want to say anything. Would I have listened? Probably not.

Such a weird, enmeshed, perspective the modern nuclear family. No of course I didn’t cut him off from his mother. At 30 years old when I met him, however, he’d long been off the teat.

we didn’t live near them for work reasons snd they were difficult people. When I met him he called them once a week. That was enough for him. I didn’t change their relationship at all. But I certainly didn't other taking on a daughter/daughter-in-law role with her. Since she was a permanently disappointed person she must have just slotted that in to her general world view.

As a happily married adult man with a wife snd children he focused on those as his primary relationship—thats where he put his energy.

It’s strange isn’t it. Happened to me too. The first girl ds had brought home that was, well almost rude, certainly without any charm. We tried so hard with her. None of us were impressed but we all put a brave face on it. She was very possessive and didn’t like him phoning me (which he rarely did but she was convinced he did) but there must have been something in him that loved that obsessive attention.
They married have had children and though we have never managed to get close I have stopped taking it personally, it’s just how she is. She could never share him. She is an only child. There is a lot about her I don’t understand, and never will. But as long as I keep my distance, this includes from her children, she thinks I am great. We have never fallen out. It is exhausting. One of life’s challenges.
She is a devoted mother and adores my son and at the end of the day I’ll take that.

My in laws insist on bonding with me, they failed. We don't have to get on, as long as I make their ds happy, that's my only job. My DH needs to maintain his relationship with them, I don't. If along the way out relationship gets better then that's good, if not, all good too.
You don't have to push anything, she just needs to love your son. You don't have to force any relationship with her. Why would you even try, different generation and not connected by blood except through your son. Get a hobby, bond with your own friends and just be there when your son needs you.

My advice is pick your timing carefully if you do choose to do this.

I had an experience where my MIL decided to ask my DH whether I liked her, or had anxiety, about 5 days after I gave birth to our second child when she came to stay with us. It didn’t make me want to spend more time with her or work on that relationship immediately.

We have an ok relationship but she is suffocating with endless intrusive questions and that can cause me to stay quiet around her. She is very nosy, and I’m very private so it isn’t a great combination.

I'm sorry but I'd have to say something when he was talking of her, saying how lovely she is ect, I'd say I actually find her rather rude and not what I wanted for you at all.

My view on parenting is that you have a job to do to get them to a stage in life where they are no longer dependant on you and can make their own decisions and support themselves. At that point they may make the wrong decisions but your job is not to judge but to be supportive if it all goes tits up.

Life doesn’t always work out how you want it to.

Not sure if you're referring to me in this, as one of the "girls", but just to reiterate, that I was devastated at the fallout, which resulted in going NC. I never ever wanted what happened, my DH and I desperately tried to resolve things with his parents but they refused. What else where we supposed to do? I wanted to be part of their family more than anything, they didn't want me to be though! The fact they never met their grandchildren was solely on them. And BIL/SIL fully supported us throughout the whole ordeal, and continue to do so, we have a fantastic relationship with them (DH, is BIL's brother), and our children have a wonderful relationship with their children. I never ever wanted a family feud!!

I'm sorry but that's offensive nonsense. Lots of NT people understand and accept differing interests and lifestyles Assuming it's their neuotypicality rather than simply theiir personality is a prejudiced assumption.

Out of interest why do you think she finds your DH easier to gel with?

Is his personality far more relaxed than yours?

Is there any possibility that you’re actually trying too hard? How well does she interact with your DD?