Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

And as I said early in this thread, if this OP was about a DD's rude boyfriend of four years, this would be an entirely different thread.

Literally everyone finds dh easy to talk to. Dd makes an effort when she's here as do I but finds it hard work.

@Northernparent68

No, but it makes it more likely they’ll end up with someone confident and outgoing

I don't think this is the case at all? Most of my introverted friends have extroverted partners and vice versa.

I can't help but notice the difference in the situation with his last girlfriend where we knew her parents and would go out for dinner as one big happy family.

This is quite unusual for families where the boyfriend and girlfriend are only in their only 20s, to be fair! It seems like you all had very similar personality types and loved socialising and being extroverted which is lovely but blending the two families (like one big happy family) is unusual as I say for couples in their early 20s and I think would be far more likely once a couple have been together for much longer and are definitely long term.

We took her skiing with dh's family a while back, she hardly spoke and ended up separating herself and ds from the group.

I think it's dangerous to project that onto her entirely. She didn't separate herself and DS. He isn't a passive passenger. If they separated from the group then he chose to do so as much as her.

It sounds like in your worry about this, you've created a narrative where he is being controlled against his will.

It's very normal for people in their late teens / early twenties to pull away a little from family while they explore the world and relationships outside of the family. Especially if they can feel the family don't fully approve.

It will likely change over time if you can stay open to their relationship rather than assuming the worst - like assuming she will somehow withhold grandchildren from you.

The transition between when you are responsible for your childs well being to being a support and allowing them to be or find themselves is difficult. Making ’wrong’ choices is their prerogative and being there to pick up the pieces if that is what happens is your new roll as a parent. Just keep your cool - avoid criticism and stay supportive to both - it just doesn’t work out well if you get critical.

Your son clearly loves her so that's all that matters. She is very young and clearly more introverted than your family.

What stops you from continuing to go out for dinner with the parents of your DH's last girlfriend if you got on with them so well? You seem to be making this all about you and how put out you are by the change of girlfriend and that's putting a lot of judgy, you're-not-good-enough vibes on the new girlfriend. It is your son's life (and hers) to live how they want. Don't you have enough of your own interests and plans for the future, so that this isn't such an issue for you?

My DS, (who is gay), at the age of 22 met a man who was 38. I disliked him from the start. Not just because of the age gap but because this man brought with him a huge amount of physical and mental trauma. My DD and I firmly believed he had Bipolar disorder. He claimed he had been abused both physically and mentally in previous relationships. He said he loved DS because he knew DS would never hurt him. This man was in thousands of £ worth of debt including rent arrears which meant he was due to be evicted. I did not know he was also an alcoholic. It was DS's first serious relationship. I knew I had to keep quiet about my misgivings so as not to alienate DS.In short, DS was persuaded to buy a house for the two of them. 9 months after they moved into the house this dreadful man stabbed someone in a drunken stupor. He has been in prison almost four years up to now. Several years of his sentence still to run. At first DS said he would stand by him and wait for him. DD and I kept quiet and just hoped that would change. Three years into the sentence DS began to go out and about meeting new people and met someone new. Someone his own age with no physical and emotional baggage. Over the last 9 months it has been like witnessing a metamorphosis. DS has become confident enough to change jobs from one where he was taken advantage of, he is outgoing and happy. He has cut all contact with the awful man he first met 6 years ago. His new partner is funny and kind and makes my DS so very happy. I am sure that if I had been critical about his ex from the beginning then DS would have cut contact with me. Instead I have supported DS when things were really bleak and now we are closer than ever.

Nobody really tries when they don't like someone.

And people really want as many people as they can gather to agree not to like someone.

"No one in the family likes her" - I bet you had a lot to do with that and have never said anything positive about her.

And I bet you were all judgemental at the "big funeral" of the great, great uncle.

But the thing is, once your son and girlfriend leave the huge cloud of negativity and veiled insults, they're probably leading the lives they enjoy.

And you have to face facts - the person he wants to wake up to every day and marry, is more important to him than you. That's the circle of life - because we all need to be focussed on the next generation.

So what you need to consider is what kind of grandparent you want to be. Is there anything about her that would prevent her being a great mother, other than the fact she also doesn't like you?

If he is going to marry her, can you work out a relationship with boundaries and rules, so it's not life-long stress?

Not nasty at all, just the truth. I’m pretty sure her son’s choice in partner is just that, his choice. Yet, she seems to think it’s all about the future she imagined 🙄 She clearly thinks everything is about her!

I struggle to understand what type of person stays as silent as this one after 4 years of knowing you.

I can only assume that she is painfully uncomfortable and your son MUST know it.

I wonder why she continues to endure your company tbh. You have said with friends etc she is chatty

I hate that you've written this about grandchildren because this will make things even worse with you and your son. You've already decided that you won't have a relationship with grandchildren, if that happens it will be a choice of yours no-one else's because despite what she thinks of you now, she will accept any and all help with grandchildren. If you don't offer help and build a relationship with his children, he will hold a serious grudge against you.

"I hate that you've written this about grandchildren because this will make things even worse with you and your son. You've already decided that you won't have a relationship with grandchildren, if that happens it will be a choice of yours no-one else's because despite what she thinks of you now, she will accept any and all help with grandchildren. If you don't offer help and build a relationship with his children, he will hold a serious grudge against you."

I haven't decided that at all, why would you twist my words? I said I hope she lets me!!

Also, how is your son so stifled by you that he can't tell you to lay off of her? I don't think your family is as close as you think. You do the niceties, like "sorry for your loss", but just how much communication and talking is there?

I can see from your many responses that you are determined not to like her and heavily invested in finding fault. You son must be mortified by you.

"Not nasty at all, just the truth. I’m pretty sure her son’s choice in partner is just that, his choice. Yet, she seems to think it’s all about the future she imagined 🙄 She clearly thinks everything is about her!"

You sound a delight. Do you even have children? Or did you cease to worry about them the second they turned 18. Honestly it's a lovely day I think I'll leave you to fester.

I think the point people are getting at @ohthejoys21 is that whilst your son never stops being your child that you love and want the best for, once he's an adult, his decisions and choices in life are his own, and it's not your place to interfere in his relationships.

This is the mistake that many MIL's make, as did my own. You just need to back off and not be overbearing. Let your son make his own way in life.

This is the problem, and the reason the relationship is ruined before it began. It doesn't matter what effort you make now, if you've been negative about her to your son and he's told her, then nothing from here in will ever change unless you address the elephant in the room and apologise, even if it's through your son you do it, incase he hasn't told her but I strongly suspect he has and if he has its a miracle she even comes to these family events.

You said "I'm sad for the grandchildren i won't be close to" they arnt even born yet and you've decided already. I haven't twisted anything you didn't say may not you said won't.

Er.. I am letting him make his own way? Have not suggested to him or given him any advice as to run his life.

Can't you tell your son that his partner doesn't seem comfortable with you and ask if there's anything you can do to get on better with her? I wouldn't mention that the whole family has the same problem with her. Or maybe ask her directly when just the three of you are together.

You've done sterling work on this thread - I think you've replied to almost every poster. I really hope some of the replies have helped.

My DSIL was really cold and unfriendly to my mum, which caused her years of stress and pain, but now she has a lovely relationship with her grown up grandchildren. DSIL was fine with my Dad though, so mum used to leave them together at social engagements, and that helped.

Hope it works out for all of you xx

Thank you so much Tempers, I've replied as I've appreciated all the responses. . It's not ideal but we'll see.

I think sadly whilst trying to advise you, we have come across as hostile and made you super defensive. Firstly I'd like to say I'm sorry for that it wasn't my intention. Secondly I think whilst I can see where the problems have begun in this relationship, I can also see your desperate efforts to fix them and that is completely admirable. Your open to things you may have done to contribute to the situation and honest about your feelings. I think your frustrated because even though you don't like her you can be friendly and polite and she can't. That is completely understandable. I like you can talk to people I know don't like me politely, however when it comes to anything beyond general conversation like this gf I become rather awkward and mute aswell, basicly because I don't know what to say.

I think an honest conversation with her will go a very long way. DS says you think we don't like you, i want you to know that's not the case at all. We just want to get to know you more, family is so important to us, and your apart of that family now having a good relationship with you is important to us. It will be awkward but she will tell your son and he will be super appreciative of your efforts.

Maybe mention to your son what your going to say first to get his opinion as he will know her best and also if your going to say what he's told you, it's probably best he's consulted first.

If you have this conversation I'm pretty sure she will open up more and feel more accepted by you.

I just wanted to add the funeral situation will be because many people don't know what to say to grieving people so they shrink back and say nothing at all.