Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

I haven’t even read all your updates yet but I had to respond to this! You’re sad for the grandchildren you ‘won’t’ be close to? Why are you assuming you won’t? Unless you’re just planning not to make an effort because you don’t like your DS’s partner? Which, if this is the case, is very pathetic and I would say not to be sad for your grandchildren as they won’t be missing much.

My MIL and I have a terrible relationship. My DH isn’t close to her either tbh and never has been. Yet, she has every opportunity to be involved with her grandchildren and has started making more effort recently and is becoming close with them. Yet, it’s no secret we dislike each other. I really don’t understand why you’d say this?

Now I see why she doesn’t like you. Talk about narcissism…

introverted need not be rude. she sounds horrible and i really feel for you. i hope things get better for you

She didn't make him distance. She decided that she wasn't having a relationship with them. He decided to do the same. He could have said, "I understand you aren't going to have a relationship with them, so I'll visit them on my own." He clearly wasn't invested enough to keep the relationship going on his own.

Your DH is a grown man who is capable of managing his own relationships, including that with his parents. Of course, managing relationships is often seen as wife work, so the woman gets blamed for the man's choices there.

Maybe she's quietly dissapointed in having you as a MIL.

I think she probably knows you and your family do not like her, I think it would be best for her if she doesn't see you, I mean you, your daughter and your mother, three females who can't stand her.

Your son obviously loves her and feels safe with her, she must be doing something right. He's an adult leave him to it, your dislike of her will do no good for their relationship.

It's sad but you can't like everyone, and everyone can't like you.

Allow him his choices and be happy for him.

Even this post this leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I mean there are some things that are quite identifiable.

This makes me so sad because I recognise my 15 year old DD in your DS girlfriend ☹️. She has mild autism and ADHD. As a child we all thought she was shy, but as she got older it started to come across as “rude”. She has a brilliant sense of humour and opinions on everything, but in a crowd of people she doesn’t really know she completely shuts down. It’s frustrating to watch as I know how amazing, bright and funny she is, but even with my dad, my brother, my sister, cousins etc, all who we’re close to and she sees regularly, she’s really awkward. Obviously they all love her and are aware of her “quirks “ so I think she’s just comfortable being awkward with them if that makes sense? She doesn’t always recognise the cues or prompts to say hello or goodbye and she certainly wouldn’t know how to approach someone who has just lost somebody dear and to say the right thing. All I can say or advise is that out of all of my friends & family, the ones who make the effort with her, and by that I just mean ask her what’s she’s up to, what’s she’s interested in etc,(as you’re doing), even if she doesn’t respond much, they’re the ones she’s comfortable with. It might not look like you’re getting anywhere with your DS gf OP, but if she’s anything like my DD, she’ll just be grateful she’s with your DS and in a “safe” space where she’s not overwhelmed/over stimulated. X

@ohthejoys21 I've had your back throughout this thread, as it does seem that on the whole, this young woman is actively rude to you. But there's one thing that I have to disagree with you about, and it's her behaviour after the funeral. This quote from a pp absolutely resonates with me. Even more, on my 60s, I struggle to respond to someone I don't know well, after a bereavement. But in my 20s and 30s this would absolutely have been me...

Not saying anything to someone who had just had a bereavement would have been me 100%. Not because of rudeness but because of the fact that you are directly confronting someone else's emotions

Probably the hardest thing for anyone socially anxious to do, is to talk to someone, when what they say might make them cry, or be 'wrong'. As a very confident person you clearly don't have empathy for someone who might be scared that their words might be wrong or upset someone further.

I'm starting to feel that, despite your best efforts, you really don't understand what social anxiety feels like.

When you say: She's been in ds's life 4 years, I very much doubt she's intimidated by anything (other than me!!)

You have perhaps hit the nail on the head here - why is it that she's intimidated by you particularly ? Could you reflect on this

I would try some empathy. Your holding onto your own judgements about her:
-how as a very young girl she didn't express condolences at a funeral which may well have felt intimidating (and you are comparing her to how 'other' confident young people behaved at that event)
-how she doesn't initiate hello (you said she does respond so she's not completely blanking you!)
-how you find it effortful to maintain the conversation
-how they spend time on their own rather than with your whole family group on holiday (which to be honest I would expect from most early 20 somethings in love and I'd be incredibly grateful they even came on the holiday!)

If you flip it on its head you've told us

• she has a job - she's clearly not a down and out

-she has friends -she is spending time with your family (even if you find the conversation with her effortful) -there isn't any concern in how she treats your DS within their relationship -your DS clearly loves her and is happy to be with her at the moment -she isn't actually intimidated by everyone (just perhaps yourself)

All of which sounds ok to me

It could be being unsure how to address someone recently widowed, or not wanting to get if wrong. Sometimes people are just not comfortable with those situations and don’t feel able or confident enough to march up to someone and offer their condolences or a hug. Especially if they feel the family doesn’t like them anyway.

That’s actually really sad - especially for such an insignificant thing as ‘trying to get you out of your shell’

Sounds like she had you pegged from the start

OP its totally normal to feel like this. They are still out kids and if something feels off it can be a worry.

But stop trying. Just be pleasant and courteous when she comes but don’t go above and beyond - it’s wasted and will leave you with a sour taste in your mouth.

Aim for a cordial relationship and focus on close connection with your son and not them as a couple.

Never slag her off but neither sing her praises just stay in the middle ground so your ds knows he has a safe place to come speak to you if they are having issues

"She lost her son"?
You took her son away from his mother because you found her too 'extroverted '? What a piece of work you are, hope you're happy you split him from his family, your name's not Meghan Markle is it?

21 pages of people falling over themselves to find excuses and medicalise anti social crap behaviour. Some people are just twats, they do exist.

My situation is similar to that of your DIL. I’ve been with my partner for over 25 years. I don’t particularly bond with his parents; we are very different people. I find his mother overwhelming - she talks endlessly about stuff that doesn’t interest me one jot, and seems desperate for me to join in the conversation. She can’t cope with silence, and I don’t like inane chatter and intrusive questions. (My own mother was also like this and despaired about the quiet and shy DIL that my brother chose.)

For many reasons, I find their house an uncomfortable place to be. I visit them because it makes my partner happy, and that is hugely important to me, but it is bloody exhausting. I’d much prefer it if he went alone, and took the children with him. I just want the visits to go with the minimal amount of fuss, and I am happy that I don’t have more of a relationship with his family than that.

If you asked my partner what he liked about me, he would point out a lot of the things that make our relationship different to the one he was raised in; mainly that it is quiet and calm. Your son is an adult and has actively chosen this person, and she is not like you. It is far more important that she makes him happy.

Wow, so much power for the woman and so little autonomy from the man. She didn't do anything. Maintaining relationships isn't automatically the woman's job. The man decided all on his own not to make sure he had a relationship with his mother. He could say, "Sure wife, you don't have to have a relationship with them, I'll visit them on my own." But no, he's a man so incapable of maintaining a social relationship apparently. Free pass for the man.

I'd be disappointed in my son if he didn't put any effort into a relationship with me. Not his wife.

@Takeaways nobody is denying it's the fault of the man but the language you used suggested that your OH's family lost him because of their relationship with you. That there was an element of control. It's your wording that made it sound odd even if you did not intend it to.

You weren't replying to me as that wasn't my post.

My own DH has no relationship with his mother though, but that's because of their mutual lack of effort. I made a huge and significant effort till I gave up and left them to it. Then HE didn't bother. My conscience is clear as I was the only one trying!

@Takeaways apologies, I thought I recognised your username as the person who wrote the odd post up the thread but I was totally mistaken.

No worries. I shake my head at both my MIL and DH but it's their relationship. I'd have loved to have had one with my MIL myself but it wasn't to be.

What a totally nasty comment.

For all those people armchair diagnosing the girlfriend, even if everything you say is true then the OP would still have a right to feel a bit sad that her son didn't choose one of the many other women in the world who are warm and get along with people most of the time and make an effort. Whether the girlfriend is an introvert with selective mutism 🙄 or a cold and rude person doesn't really change things from the OPs point of view in terms of the behaviour she has to to navigate and the lack of ease she feels and the inevitable impact it will have on her ongoing relationship with her son.

My 20 year old daughter is like this, she struggles to say hello & goodbye even with us. I speak to her about it but she just finds it hard. Not diagnosed but I suspect some mild nd traits. She also shuts down in loud company even when she knows the people well. However with just family & close friends she appears extroverted. She hates being asked lots of questions & if she felt any sort of dislike she would shut down.

I can imagine she would also have not said anything to your mum as she would not have known what to say & it would have caused her so much anxiety she would avoid her.

Right on the nail. The first time my son's gf came to visit, she hovered around him all the time, even interrupting when I gave him a brief hug. It was so territorial, and frankly absurd given I am not particularly close to him and was actually relieved and pleased he had found a steady gf. She has come across since as someone who is very insecure and doesn't like other women.

Only on MN can someone be spectacularly rude to a woman for years on end, but it's the woman's fault for not liking them.