Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

Have you met her family OP? Is she an only child from a small family?

There's no excuse for being rude, but it just might be she is socially awkward, a bit immature and insecure, and overwhelmed by the larger family gatherings.

Are things any easier if you were to go out somewhere quiet and informal with just your dh your son and his partner?

You did talk on the thread about talking to him about it. Many advised against this as it likely won't go down well and will likely make things worse. This would have been interfering in their relationship. Although you do not see what you were considering to be interfering or running his life, it would very likely be perceived by them to be, as they're adults. As another has mentioned, you're being very defensive. People are just trying to show you things from different viewpoints to help you see the bigger picture. You are coming across as very closed-minded and not willing to take on other views. This is likely part of the problem. The GF gets on well with your husband, and son, this shows she is capable of good social relationships. So perhaps take a look at why she doesn't get on with you as well. I really mean my opinion kindly.

She's being defensive maybe, but then, I think some of the posts my own included were coming from our perspectives as DIL's and defending the person who wasn't In the room. I saw her getting defensive and read a majority of her posts. She isn't close minded at all and you can tell she's desperate to find a way to move forward making life happier for her family and her son and she's looking to improve the relationship as whole. Personally I think she's dealt with the posts really well

Omg this thread could be about me and mil! Lots of details changed of course.

I have never liked mil. I think it's some sort of personality crash. I try to have as little as possible to do with her. I have never prevented Dh or dc to be in contact with her and also haven't said anything negative about her to dc. I try to be transparent and keep out of the way when we meet. I let Dh to deal with her.

I had a great relationship with mine for many years but when it became apparent she preferred her other sons grandchildren to ours things changed. I don't bother pushing my DH to see her anymore so he barely sees her. He's bitter that she doesn't care about his kids so makes no effort. I don't stop him I even occasionally suggest we go but he says no most of the time

The bigger issue, for me, as an former DIL (MIL deceased) and a future MIL (two adorable daughters in their twenties) is that the OP is really grieving a fantasy of an expanding, happy, hive and her DS has crushed it by choosing a girl she doesn’t see as DIL material.

Of course thats sad. Its not a question of AIBU or NBU. It just is. But after sadness then what?

My daughters are both. gay so I will never have sons in law. My dh will never have sons in law! He will always be outnumbered by women in this house!

But I just can’t be so absurdly self centered to replace my dds real life and loves with a fantasy version that is more about me than them.

Whoever they are with , as long as they are happy, I need to just be happy for them. Lots can interfere between my fantasy of the future and what actually happens. As the Chinese say “no one knows which comes first:tomorrow or a disaster.” At this rate they may never have kids and I would live grandkids. Ah. Well.

So, as I said upthread, my daughters partner has a disability that means a cherished family tradition has to go out the window. So what? We will develop new, inclusive ones.

We don’t get to choose who our children love. In this crazy world I settle for being happy they are able to draw people to them and make their own family.

I think you are being a little bit disingenuous here. If one half of a couple decides unilaterally that they want nothing to do with their partners family then of course it is going to affect the relationship that partner has with them. Simply maintaining the position that 'you never stopped them from visiting' does not really cut the mustard as your very act of of non engagement is going to result in less contact.

I think she does have a right to grieve her dream though. Admittedly she's done the wrong thing by saying something to her son about the GF but she can't go back she can only move forward and try to fix it and I think she's making alot of effort to do that, but it's not working as the GF now knows whats been said, so she knows any and all efforts are fake. Once that issue is addressed, I think things will improve significantly. I think OP is deep down hurt that this lady doesn't like her in return. She has seen her with her husband and people her own age and seen the difference, deep down she wants that relationship with her too, because that is what she's always imagined she would have and would love to have. It's a hard route forward she can either speak to her son positively about GF or she can address GF directly or both eventually but the GF at the min isn't willing to open up as she's feeling defensive and judged.

Not really my husband isn't chained to my side, he's allowed out of the house without me... and if he said we are going to my mums for dinner today or going our with my mum, I would ok what time without question. She doesn't ask we never hear from her anymore the relationship has broken down on both sides. I made a huge effort for over 15 years to ensure we maintained a relationship, when I stopped doing that it fell apart extremely quickly

Also coincidentally my husband chooses not to see my mother, I still see her and so do my children. Was it awkward at first absolutely it was but now my husband expects it, it's completely normal for me and the kids to see my mum and their relationship has thawed slightly over time too, we are not there yet but getting there. So DIL's should not be blamed for relationship breakdowns with children and neither should SIL's, strength of character is required and determination but ultimately we as sons and daughters are solely responsible for the maintenance of our parental relationships.

You can still have grandchildren 😀. We live in an amazing stage of human evolution. If your DD's want children they can have them happily 😊

I do have children. They’re still young though so no relationships yet. However, I will certainly be making more effort with any future partners than you do. Trust me, she knows all your so called ‘effort’ is fake.

I do happen to have an absolute nightmare of a MIL, who is also a selfish POS. I feel sorry for your son’s GF, I know what it feels like.

They don't need to make that point. OP has spent four years not interfering or saying anything. If she was going to be overbearing, she'd have been so by now.

Her OP is about her sadness, and wanting things to be better, not her actively wanting to interfere.

I haven't yet had a chance to read recent posts, but no I haven't interfered, this was more about coming to terms with my sadness. To those saying his life has nothing to do with me- rubbish. He's entitled to have any partner he likes but to say it won't change the dynamics of the family is ridiculous. For entertainment later if anyone's bored, I could tell you stories of how my friends interfere with their kids' choice of partners.. it's actually hysterical.

Yeah I made that point in my last post. Your allowed to grieve the ideal, you had in mind and have had with previous GF's but don't give up just yet. Have the talk with your son or DIL or both and start afresh. Just a thought but what about a girls day you your DD and you DIL or a girly holiday? It probably sounds like your idea of hell right now but it may just throw you all together in a good way. Atm she's sticking with your son for comfort on holidays etc and you your husband and daughter etc

I feel wrong about writing this but I never felt at ease with my DIL but thought I hid it well. She was always a bit rude and a very difficult guest. Sadly it all came to a head when my son died and she did not invite me to the funeral.
Just to put the record straight I have a brilliant relationship with my SIL and other DIL so I can’t be all bad!

God this is absolutely disgusting tbh, I'm so so sorry that you didn't get to lay your own child to rest. No matter what I thought of my MIL having lost a child myself I would never in a million years keep my MIL from her child's funeral. Even if we were not on speaking terms and it was horribly awkward unless he specifically requested she not be there, she would be and if he did request this i would try my best to change his mind. I'm acctually sickened to my stomach by this.

“Only on MN can someone be spectacularly rude to a woman for years on end, but it's the woman's fault for not liking them."

To be fair, we only have the OP's perspective that she is rude.

Some of us have been in the girlfriend's position. If the OP is as defensive with the girlfriend as she has been with posters trying to show the other perspective here, the girlfriend may just be scared to open her mouth in front of her.

OP makes no secret of the fact she doesn't like GF here. I doubt her efforts to hide this IRL are as successful as she thinks. People can always sense underlying acrimony.

Equally unless you are a saint/charity support worker/SEN teacher (I am one of those examples, clearly not saint 😂) most people would dislike someone who outright ignored them/was nasty to them, but was lovely and chatty with others – including everyone who has condemned OP so far

Years ago OP started off being perfectly nice to/feeling ok about the gf so I doubt that's what caused gf's behaviour. It may well be worsening gf's behaviour now but can hardly blame OP for that

Thanks Mummy2024 I was absolutely devastated but didn’t have the guts just to turn up as it was a long journey. I went and sat on the cliff top and had a quiet reflection. I fortunately had a lovely text from him the day before he died.

Agree. She makes your son happy, that's worth alot.
Not everyone gets on in life.

I'm beyond stunned anyone would do that. So glad you got that text to hold on to.
💐💐💐

Yes. On reflection, you do have a point.

Do people get invited to funerals?
I thought you just went, unless you were told you were not welcome?

This is a genuine question.

I don’t think it’s totally crazy that the op imagined a nice, cosy future family with her son’s partner.

She has come here and I do think she is richer for doing so.

Interestingly there is another thread running by a poster who talks about never fitting in and how she’s usually silent around her partners family because she doesn’t know how to make small talk.

I wonder if the OPs sons GF is on the spectrum as it just isn’t normal to be so socially awkward