Long term affair

[shitshow1976]

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

keep telling yourself thay.

@shshitshow1976 - I'm not going to add to pile on.

I will say though...stating if it's not me, it'll be someone else (I want to benefit from it - by having sex) is not a valid reason or even an excuse for what you're knowingly doing. It just shows that you're demonstrating mob/looters mentality by saying that. It's weak at best and just a lie you're telling yourself to feel better about yourself and justify why you're doing it. Be honest with yourself.

You say you don't/couldn't love him or be in a proper relationship with him. The way I see it, you have 2 choices

1 - Continue on as you are until one of you ends it or his wife finds out

2 - End it now and move on to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship without the hurt and subterfuge.

It's really up to you. And, of course, you were going to get hammered by 99% of the posters who have posted. Many of these women are currently going through this themselves or have had partners cheat in that past.

Jeez, this is beyond sad.

@shitshow1976 genuinely I think you’re meant to be. I think it’s kismet, soul mates. I think you’re absolutely right for each other. Crack on and move in together.

The wife will be ok, she’ll be damaged for a bit when she realises that this prize has left but then she’ll get over it.

And all the children are going to praise the day that you two got together!!!

Its going to go swimmingly…

For her… in the long run!

His wife isn't holding a gun to his head, if he wanted to leave her to be with you he would! I think he's playing games and probably still very much in a relationship with his wife. I think you should feel guilty/awful and I hope that people like you are few and far between

He can’t though. Kids with needs. Because that isnt a cliche.

I'm so confused why you're posting this ?! Are you only going to take the advice that you like to hear?! Tell him to fuck off and have more respect for yourself

each person is reasonable for their individual choices, @shitshow1976 hows the affair now ?

But he DOES have feelings for her? They are just different to those he has with his wife and family set up.
I actually see this as the OP. ‘using’ him for great sex. And I call it great sex because that’s what it is. It doesn’t have all the other baggage of everyday life attached to it.
if OP came out of an awful relationship with DV ( as she said) then she’s just finding herself with this relationship ( I don’t use the word affair as it IS a relationship) and that’s why I have posted the advice /opinions I have.
if this man was looking for an. ‘Exit affair’ (because men mostly don’t just leave, they usually hunt for something else to fall into) then OP needs to be ahead of the game.
This is Mumsnet, she posted for advice ( he didn’t, his wife didn’t) and my advice stays the same.
24 months of limerance then see what’s what.
Dont let him move in. If he wants to separate, he can find his own place etc.

LOL 😂 how exactly did she make it clear she was interested in you? I bet she was just being a bit friendly and flirtatious, doesn’t mean she wanted an affair with you

Where's your self respect

Oh were you that woman who installed the spy cameras? I did wonder.

You deserve eachother

You want advice?

Find a man that’s free, not a serial shagger and who you can trust.

You know this though.

If he can cheat with you he can cheat on you.

Exactly!!

Why do these women not use their common sense.

OP knows he’s had multiple affairs, yet she thinks she’s different somehow, even though he’s still living (and obviously having sex) with his wife.

No he doesn’t have feelings for her.

It says in her OP that he admits to having multiple affairs and ONS.

He then asked OP for sex outright.

Its literally just sex to him.

If OP just wanted sex and is happy having sex with someone who is just using her for sex and admits to living with his wife and having regular sex with other women, then that’s her choice.

But she’s asking if she can trust him because now he’s saying he has feelings and is moving out of the wife’s home - which is BS.

She is being played for a fool and I’m sure she’s not the only idiot falling for his lies.

can I guess you’re in the police force?

You didn’t answer the question. Methinks it was wishful thinking on your behalf 🤣🤣🤣

I have been that wife. It completely destroyed me and only years later now am I coming through the other side. I will never trust anyone again though.

I actually never said she wanted an affair with me. I said she expressed enough interest that I wouldn't have been wide of the mark to have pursued it if I were so inclined. I both never was and never would do such a thing and in all honesty I very much think she wouldn't have done so either.

The thing is you've entirely missed the point of what I said for the cheap thrill of making a shallow point. I was talking about how it is very easy to have a little self-control when you are committed to another. But you enjoy your sub-sixth form sniggering.

He definitely has feelings for her , just not the ones that make a great long term commitment.
I don’t think OP is being played because she has doubts. Hence her post on MN. It’s confusing for her.
She says she doesn’t love him but how I read it, she loves how he makes her FEEL. Safe, sexually attractive and wanted.
But that may change over time. But the attacks on this thread to OP are over the top. I totally understand where they are coming from ( I used to feel the same, my ex MIl still believes my XH was ‘stolen and enticed’ away through no fault of his own!) Bollocks to that. My ex was an entitled selfish man but I ( subconsciously) enabled that to keep my family life together.
This man is a player and knows his attractions and plays them to the nth degree. OP
IS vulnerable and we don’t know how long she has been single post split from her abusive ex. But, that’s the reason she posted here as she’s co fused by how she feels physically and it’s now over a year .
But she has been hammered by many MN posters
And I understand why but I understand why that’s happened. I’ve sat on both sides of the fence.
it’s not blk and white

Op you're both obscene. Stress is a known trigger in epilepsy and your fuck buddy will be well aware of this.
You deserve each other. Fucking nauseating.

Of course she’s being played.

She believes that this man has feelings for her and that he’s genuinely planning to leave his wife and that she might have a future with him.

I know you think you’re being nice but lying to OP is not going to help her in the long run.

This is not a man she should be trusting or thinking about having a future with, because it’s never going to happen.

Giving her false hope is cruel.

If you're looking for permisssion my ex fiancé from 12 years ago is now married with kids with the woman at work he left me for. It often does work out. Sadly for those of us who have been betrayed! But the 'when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy' isn't always true

He probably has got a mistress !