Long term affair

[shitshow1976]

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

I don't see the point in passing judgement over something you've already done.

All I will say is be prepared for the fact that he is more than likely-almost certainly- conducting simultaneous casual affairs and has a few women on the go. He is clearly not bothered about being faithful so don't be under the illusion you are the special one and he will suddenly be faithful to you.

Yes I'm sure you will be massively judged because it's absolutely despicable what you are doing!

I can't believe you have the audacity to feign sympathy for the 'poor fucking wife' of the man you've been sleeping with for a year. You're nothing but a home wrecker. You and her rat husband deserve each other!

Why not be upfront with him then?
Tell him you only want the sex part and don't want the relationship and leaving his family doesn't mean a relationship with you is going to happen?
You then need to decide whether or not to continue having sex with him if he decides not to leave his family.

This thread is strange. It has made me wonder why I hold @shitshow1976 accountable. I mean, hes the one who's married right? I do expect more from women. I especially expect more from women who have been through what the OP has been through. How can a woman who has experienced such pain play a part in another woman's pain? I expect no more from him, I've met men like him before who just cheat and cheat with no regard for the pain they cause their wives/partners. I've met the women who become shells of themselves because of men like him. I despise women who play their part in that and far too often, take great pleasure from it because of their own fucked up insecurities. Does that make me misogynistic? Probably. Ouch.

He'll do the same to you. I guarantee.

I think that even if he feels like the right one for you and perfect etc etc, isn’t trustworthiness high up on your list of qualities you want in a partner?

And just watch out - now he’s started talking about leaving - watch out that you don’t stay there waiting in the wings because he’s “just about to leave” then wake up one day and realise he never will and in the mean time you’ve missed out on meeting someone trustworthy who is there just for you

States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

You can’t really believe this surely??!!

When is he moving out then?

I assume he’s going to invite you to his new place, so you’ll be able to see for yourself.

Your moral are in the gutter.

You honestly think him saying he is going to leave his family will happen.

Fast forward to 2026, come back to this post/thread and update us all.

You need to grow up, stop being his FWB and accept he is all words, no actions.

How many other conquest has he promised he would leave his wife 🙄 MANY I EXPECT !!

There's no way of testing the true quality of this relationship or the truth of anything he says without doing potentially untold damage to his children.

Go out with someone single.

I wouldn't believe a word this shyster says!

But you're shagblind - it happens. But seriously- don't trust him to hold your drink

He’s got you just where he wants you

Justifying yourself by saying if he wasn’t fucking you he’d be fucking someone else anyway - that’s some moral code you’ve got there love.

Honestly I don’t think a thread has ever made me as angry as this one. Not a decent standard of behaviour in either of you. His poor wife and children - they’re the only innocent victims in this sordid sleazy mess.

What do your adult children think of this behaviour or don't they know?

Agreed.

Do it and own it, or don't do it.

You can't trust him, so it's always going to be doomed.

Have not read thread sorry. How much does he propose having the kids if you guys get together? You haven't met them yet due to the nature of the relationship. Do you want your own kids?

They probably live separate lives because his wife has no choice, he's either working (with you), on dog walks with you or meeting you for sex....drop him like a stone...surely you don't want a man like this...he manipulated you into whatever this thing is...

This is probably the reality of it for him. The affair is an escape from HIS reality.

And OP is the escape for him so it's special, it has a frisson, it has an edge and that enhances the physical connection (= great sex that takes over all rational thought/ social mores etc).

OP, I suggest reading 'State of affairs' by Esther Perel. She is painted as an affair 'apologist' but she's not. What she does do is unpick all the whys regarding cheating .
BTW, I post as someone married 35 years ( together 37) who was cheated on from year 4. I was monogamous in the marriage.
I also as post as someone who, after I divorced him for the last affair, inadvertently got involved with a long term attached man ( unaware at the start) in a very passionate, unreal liaison.

I understand the conflict of emotions. Don't ever live with this man if he leaves his wife.

OP stop having sex with him for a month and see if he ‘still loves you’ or if he just finds someone else to shag.

Tell him you’re not going to carry on seeing him until you see this apparent place he’s moving into (actually see it and stay there not just see a photo).

It is obvious that he’s still having sex with his wife and other women.

You are literally playing right into his hands and he must think you are such a fool.

I would feel sorry for you but it’s hard to when you knew the full story from the start.

OP, the vast majority of people in this country believe that cheating on a spouse is an abhorrent act and one of the worst betrayals.

While you are single, he is not and you are enabling him to disrespect his wife and children. Whether or not he would cheat on his wife with another woman is irrelevant.

You even said that you can't talk to anyone in real life about this because you fear their judgement - so deep down you know that what you are doing is wrong.

You can't blame people for talking straight to you.

You’re both awful. Deserve each other.

Why would she do that? It's not an exam or a test for him to pass?
It's a mutual physical attraction and they 'get on' in a superficial way ( walking dogs, chatting about life challenges, working together in a team but a 'boss' sets the rules) and OP doesn't have to wash his pants, look after his kids, organise anything in his day to day life. He already has Wife at Home to do all the boring stuff for him. His 'safe harbour'.

Unless posters have experienced this ridiculous crazy physical chemistry with the wrong person, it's hard to explain but society has 'social mores' ( clearly seen on this thread) and they exist for a reason.

OP, the limerance fades after 24 months. If it's the real thing, it'll last longer. Don't make any life decisions a during a period of limerance.

And to posters blaming the OW tempting their partners and who have been cheated on ( as I have) it's all on HIM . He went hunting.

I wanted to blame OW wholly but, of course, I couldn't. It takes 2 every single time.

Because she genuinely believes that he has feelings for her and is planning to move out of his wife’s house soon.

We can all tell her how stupid she is for believing him but she wouldn’t accept it until she experiences it herself in real life.

He is laughing at her but she can’t see it.

He didn’t even pretend to fall for her and worm his way in after a few months, he asked her for sex knowing she would say yes.

If OP is happy being used for sex and being taken for a fool, then it’s her life and her choice but she obviously thinks this is something more than what it actually is.

Kindly op, if you “feel safe” with a man who is a proven cheat and liar then your “picker” is broken. . A proven liar and cheat isn’t a “safe” person. I agree with a pp. Stop shagging him for a couple of months. He’ll be gone.

A man who is literally f you behind his wife’s back makes you feel safe?

Do better.

That makes you ever worse than I expected. You don’t even love him and you’re that woman.