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Original poster

Daughter sleeping around

161 replies

SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 11:18

Help please. My 16 year old daughter I think is well brought up, we love her lots and she gets lots of attention as we do dance with her every weekend. We openly talk about sex and contraception but she never admits to much.

she’s in a group of friends and she’s having casual relationships (which always ends with her cheating on them!) and has had sex with 5 boys already that I know of. Most just one night.

shes getting a reputation and every time she does it there’s repercussions (ie her friends all fall out with her as it’s someone’s boyfriend, or they hate her for what she did to a boyfriend or people say she’s a slag etc she and I find this v stressful) it’s never a quiet thing. Sometimes she’s drunk sometimes she’s not. She’s 17 in June.

im starting to dislike her and I’ve said some really nasty stuff myself as I can’t stop her! we know all the parents and know they all talk. She’s bringing shame on the family. How do I stop her??

OP posts:
Louise0808 · 09/05/2024 11:26

Therapy? There's going to be an underlying reason why she is acting this way. 16 year old girls don't wake up one day and think im going to mess up all my friendships and create a bad reputation for myself. It could be a mental health thing. i.e., borderlines or bipolar can cause a person to make reckless dangerous decisions and have unstable friendships. Reckless dangerous decisions don't always have to be but can be causal unsafe sex and over drinking. That's the route I would personally go down if I was in this situation.

Nevergoodenoughforthem · 09/05/2024 11:26

The issue is the way in which she’s treating her friends. She doesn’t sound like she appreciates those friendships- is there a reason do you think?

With regards to brining shame on your family, would you feel the same if it was your son? How do you know so much about her personal life? If she’s not burning any one then I don’t see what the issue is.

MermaidEyes · 09/05/2024 11:26

So your first thought is not to wonder why she feels such a need for attention that she sleeps around with any boy that comes along, but the fact she's bringing 'shame' on the family? I call bullshit on that I'm afraid. Who honestly would know or care, apart from her friends and the boys involved? It's certainly not ideal at her age, but your attitude towards her won't help. Also, I don't get the 'dance' bit. Is that the only attention you give her?'

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/05/2024 11:31

Ground her and stop letting her drink underage for a starter.

Get her STD tested and then get to the bottom of why she's sleeping around.

Meadowfinch · 09/05/2024 11:39

It sounds to me like she's looking for affection or attention, or significance because she isn't finding it at home.

How does home life work. What does 'do dance with her' mean? Does she have hobbies and friends outside school? Does she have her own room, and freedom to bring friends home when she wants to? Do you listen to her opinions, accept her views and encourage her to build her own life.

She's a teenager, she's not 'bringing shame on the family'. Why do you care so much what the neighbours think. Their views are irrelevant.

I'd be more concerned about your dd's obvious insecurity and unhappiness. Perhaps stop trying to discuss her sex life with her. She's not responding or opening up to you, and she may think your approach intrusive.

BacktoBeginnersFran · 09/05/2024 11:48

Your 16 year old daughter is having casual sex with multiple partners, including her friends' boyfriends. You need to get off MN and support her in getting help, she sounds incredibly unhappy. Poor girl 😔

Original poster
SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 11:53

@Meadowfinch thanks. Not neighbours but friends and family. We live in a small village with all these people. They say things to me about her, awful stuff I have to defend her. Makes me ill with worry for her safety and that in future we might have to move. There’s a grown lady with the same reputation here and everyone knows her as ‘tandem’ (bike!)

she is def the most spoilt and get la the most attention out of all my children, she has mild adhd, she takes all our time up. She loves to tell us about her friends and we spend a lot of time talking (who do come round and do stay over) some aren’t v nice them selves and quite a few girl friends sleep around, so I’m worried she thinks it’s the norm.

i don’t let her drink, her friends take her out, the boys buy her drinks. She’s obsessed with being ‘cool’.

im worried for her that she will end up with no friends and a terrible reputation which may affect her future. She’s v waffy and doesn’t seem to know what she wants to do in life.

we have lost all trust in her and can’t even allow her to stop at friends anymore in case she’s actually stopping with a boy again. Unless this has happened to you you wouldn’t understand how upsetting it is. It’s like self sabotage. We want to trust her and let her have friends but can’t.

is grounding an option? We have done that before but as soon as she was allowed out, she did it again.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/05/2024 11:55

im starting to dislike her and I’ve said some really nasty stuff myself as I can’t stop her! we know all the parents and know they all talk. She’s bringing shame on the family. How do I stop her??

Stop being angry with her and worrying about what people say. Apologise for the nasty things you have said and try to rebuild trust with her that you are on her side and love her.

Start wondering what's at the root of her behaviour - why she is seeking validation from sex/boys, what her self-esteem is like, whether there is an experience she has had that you're not aware of that has her acting out in this way.

Original poster
SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 11:55

@Louise0808 thanks where do I find therapy in the uk?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/05/2024 11:56

Mild ADHD?
You either have it or you don't.

TheShellBeach · 09/05/2024 11:56

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DaisyChain505 · 09/05/2024 11:57

Don’t focus on the number of people she’s sleeping with but talk with her about the seriousness of sleeping with people who are in relationships etc and the knock on effect of who it can hurt.

have an open conversation about how friends won’t want to trust or even know her if she can do something that hurtful like sleep with their boyfriends.

let her know that you’re not shaming her for her number of sexual partners but maybe you should get her thinking about why she feels the need to sleep with people so quickly or in messy situations (people already having partners etc) she may me suffering with low self esteem and she thinks giving sex is the only way to get attention or affection.

TheShellBeach · 09/05/2024 11:57

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Original poster
SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 12:04

@Nevergoodenoughforthem she talks to me, we sit and chat a lot that’s how I know (or I find out through gossipy friends and villagers) or she gets stuck at a boys house and asks me to get her.

I guess I’m not overly keen on her friends (I don’t find no them that loyal and v gossipy) so maybe that might’ve made her think negatively about them too… oh so it’s my fault :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 12:06

@category12 thanks. I ALWAYS apologise always. We cuddle and make up.

the friends she has made have always let her down I don’t think she trusts friends. Idk how to find out what’s the matter. She doesn’t open up about feelings to me

OP posts:
Dadjoke007 · 09/05/2024 12:09

At the end of the day she is almost 17 and many 17yo are like that - same with the drinking, FFS am I the only one who drank underage???

Girls fall out all the time (judging by my daughter) - are these petty arguments or properly losing good friends?

Just be open, explain to her why you are concerned, damaging friendships, sexual health and just make sure she is protected and not at risk. She is old enough to do what she wants with boys so you are going to have to accept it, but try to ensure there is as little fall out as possible

TheIceQween · 09/05/2024 12:11

Does she have a father figure?

Hopingtobe4 · 09/05/2024 12:12

I'd be worried in your situation too. It isn't ideal at all and I wouldn't like the reputation she is getting either.

What to do is difficult. Maybe therapy is an option? Trying to get to the bottom of why she is doing this would maybe help stop it

I understand shes a teenager but most teenagers don't sleep with friends boyfriends certainly not more than 1 friend either.

I hope she isn't just doing it now because she thinks it's expected or thinks the boys are expecting it.

I had a school friend who went through a phase like this around the same age and it was as if the boys were nearly expecting it we tried so hard to stop her. She did then meet a nice fella (removed from all this) they lasted a few years but she was able to completely distance herself from that group.

Original poster
SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 12:14

@Dadjoke007 thank you so much I’ve had everything from..
its normal
to, your a terrible parent
to, she needs therapy!!!

im so confused 😕

OP posts:
overthinkersanonnymus · 09/05/2024 12:16

I was this girl. From an even younger age unfortunately.

Now I'm an adult, I can see it for what it was. Desperation for a man to care about me. I slept with friends boyfriends and anyone who would have me really.

I'm disappointed and sad for my younger self, because all I actually needed, was care and to know I was more than just a slag who wanted attention.

My parents were shit and I was convinced I was repulsive and horrifyingly ugly. I wasn't at all. I was just lost and needed to feel like I was wanted. I wasn't wanted by any of these boys by the way. I was used because because I let them.

UnpickThePockets · 09/05/2024 12:21

I had an absolute ball drinking and sleeping with various unsuitable boys in my late teens. An absolute ball! Am a very respectable 50 year old now.

It’s really not all doom and slut shaming doom, OP.

Original poster
SarahBeez · 09/05/2024 12:28

@overthinkersanonnymus please please see this and reply.
im sorry for how you felt and feel about your past.

please can you give me some advice on what might’ve made things better for you? How can I help her?

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 09/05/2024 12:29

'@UnpickThePockets
I had an absolute ball drinking and sleeping with various unsuitable boys in my late teens. An absolute ball! Am a very respectable 50 year old now.
It’s really not all doom and slut shaming doom, OP.'

It is not that simple though...

OP, I would be worried that:

  • these boys might be coercing her and using alcohol to take advantage of her
  • she is at risk of STIs and pregnancy if she is having unprotected sex
  • her ADHD is not being addressed (she might have other behavioural/mental health issues too) and that is affecting her behaviour.

It is not about 'shame', it is about trying to help her and get her the right support.

The fact that this is a small community where people gossip is going to have an impact on how she is viewed, whether that is fair or not.

SheRasBra · 09/05/2024 12:31

Impulsivity is often a feature of ADHD. This can manifest itself in any manner of risk-taking behaviour from drugs to drinking, casual sex, shoplifting, carrying out 'dares'. She may be seeking validation as she feels less-than or it could be a mistaken view that if she can get them to sleep with her then they love her.

I agree with those recommending therapy. Ask your GP in the first instance but if you have the resources to get something arranged privately then this would almost certainly be quicker.

Try and talk to her about the inherent dangers in this sort of behaviour if she'll listen, without judgement. Maybe if she understands that she is naturally impulsive then she can start to be more aware of it and resist the impulses. Talk to her about drinking, about setting limits for herself each time she goes out.

This kind of behaviour is a bit embarrassing at the moment but will become really dangerous for her if she moves outside of your village setting or her friendship group and is meeting (and going home with) adult men.

AriannasGuitarCase · 09/05/2024 12:42

she has mild adhd

Firstly, there is no such thing as 'mild ADHD', just ADHD that may look like it's mild to others. ADHD in girls/women tends to bubble under the surface, causing low self esteem, anxiety, sdepression, self doubt. And then there's the fact it causes impulsivity on top of all that

Casual/risky sex is actually very common for people with ADHD and one of the things usually queried by Psychiatrists in Adult assessments. I don't know what the solution is re your DD, but I think taking her ADHD diagnosis seriously and looking at what would help it is the first step to take