Daughter sleeping around

[SarahBeez]

Help please. My 16 year old daughter I think is well brought up, we love her lots and she gets lots of attention as we do dance with her every weekend. We openly talk about sex and contraception but she never admits to much.

she’s in a group of friends and she’s having casual relationships (which always ends with her cheating on them!) and has had sex with 5 boys already that I know of. Most just one night.

shes getting a reputation and every time she does it there’s repercussions (ie her friends all fall out with her as it’s someone’s boyfriend, or they hate her for what she did to a boyfriend or people say she’s a slag etc she and I find this v stressful) it’s never a quiet thing. Sometimes she’s drunk sometimes she’s not. She’s 17 in June.

im starting to dislike her and I’ve said some really nasty stuff myself as I can’t stop her! we know all the parents and know they all talk. She’s bringing shame on the family. How do I stop her??

”Male wisdom” is sexist and has double standards. “Male wisdom” does not begin to understand hormones or female sexuality.

@StarlightLady
You are naive if you think men and women are on the same level playing field when it comes to sex . There is a thread on here right now where people are advising the O/P not to sleep with someone straight away as she will get used and dumped and he is just going to use her . Don't you have any common sense ? I think I know the answer to that 😂

The thing is no one knows if she's doing it because it's all fun and enjoying it and it's her fully informed choice, or if something else is going on. Even if it started as fun, with all the rumours and falling outs and name calling... is it still fun? Is it still a choice?

That's why (loving,respectful)conversations need to be had and some things need to change.

Calling her a slag and grounding her is just as bad as turning a blind eye and pretending it's aaaaaaaall good, she's just enjoying herself.

As a 40 something bisexual woman, who has experienced prejudice because of who l am, I am not naive, the double standards tone you cite is sexist and what the equality fight is all about. We have gone some way, but there is a long way to go.

You have only mentioned some of the responses on the thread to which you refer. Other people opted for a different viewpoint.

MN is a woman’s space, in my view men should be very welcome but sexist attitudes are not.
🌈

It's biology, whether you like it or not women will always be judged for sleeping about . It's unfair I agree , but it will never change . It's to do with paternity. Men want to know the children he is raising are their own . That's why women are judged more harshly . The trouble is mud sticks . Once a woman's sexual reputation has gone there is no going back . When I was a young teen my dad warned me that men will sweet talk a woman and tell her anything to get her in to bed . My brother told me never to sleep with a man straight away and to hold back . I don't see that as sexist I just see it as the men who cared about me trying to protect me and warn me . Perhaps if the girl had a guy like that in her life who was looking out for her she would not have gone down this path . Also a lot of predators will back off if they know there is a man who has her back and will step in if necessary to protect her .

Join the 21st century. If a man is unsure whether the children he is 'raising' are his, he can do a DNA test rather than casting aspersions on, and attempting to control a woman sexual choices.

@Eggplant44

True but the point I was making was that it was at the root of women being judged more harshly than men for sleeping around . Men don't want a woman who has had loads of partners . Unfortunately it's true . Always has been and always will be .

What? All men?

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat

I would say the majority yes . Plenty of men have told me so .

Her body, her choice.

It is not biology, it is sexist shite (once again).

What would I do? Try and talk to her, find out how she’s feeling and make sure she had access to contraception and STD protection. She’s having sex - legally. The genie is out of the bottle.

Suggesting a) she’ll ’get a reputation’ and b) ‘mud sticks forever’ is bollocks. And if she does get a ‘reputation’, I only hope it serves to help her see the twats with that opinion for what they are.

She sounds very vulnerable to me, whether or not she has ADHD, and that the boys are taking advantage of that as @mydaughterisademon says.
I don’t think it is ‘normal’ for 16 year olds to have multiple one night stands is it?
Or maybe I’m just old and have different standards?

It is biology . Men can have sex without emotion , have sex with women they don't like . Most women can't . Men and women are wired differently deny it all you like .
It's my opinion based on my life experience. Men don't respect women who sleep around and these women will struggle to find a long term relationship. I'm bowing out of this thread as it's going round in circles and I haven't got the time or will to keep debating.

@TypeFace it is not biology. It is social conditioning and misogyny.

I can have sex without emotion.
I can have sex with emotion.

I have had relationships with men who respected and adored me (am currently).

I am very very glad I don’t know the men you know.

@TypeFace you're making out like your opinions are facts backed by science, they aren't.

this might just be the most backwards thing i’ve ever read.

women enjoy sex just as much as men do, in spite of being told to repress our sexualities. having an active sex life is not an indicator or nor valuing oneself. get back in your time machine.

If she has ADHD this could be impulsiveness coming out, also mixed with alcohol which can exacerbate ADHD symptoms and obviously increases poor decision making.

If she feels like she is constantly masking to try and fit it this will also be affecting her decision making and the wanting to appear 'cool' is very common in girls with ADHD.

Is she on any medication?

To the PP who said you either have ADHD or you don't during Assesment you will be labeled as 'mild, moderate or severe'.

no i take it back. this is the most ridiculous sexist nonsense ive read.

most women are perfectly capable of having sex without emotion just like most men. there is no difference in biology on this.

where there is a difference is patriarchal expectations. who the hell cares if a man doesn’t want you to have sexual partners before him? if he doesn’t want to date me cos of that then i’ve dodged a bullet and he’s hopeless.

OP your daughter is in crisis. I would ask if she’d like to talk to a counsellor whose experienced with young adults. Google the name of your area and young adult counselling. Really you are not the person she needs to talk to. She needs one to one therapy. Not family therapy. She needs to build up a relationship with an adult which means committing to weekly therapy for some time if she is willing and you can afford it. If not she can refer herself probably to local NHS talk based therapies. Quite a wait but in the meantime you’re showing her that when adults struggle they access people who can help them also you’re showing her that you see she is not happy and you want her to have a truly safe space to talk about it. That’s the love she needs right now.

Fuck the neighbours, last time I checked your op you didn’t mention giving birth to your neighbours. The only sort of person that would be titillated or prissy about a young woman’s sexuality is not one that I’d want my teens to hang out with.

She isn’t bringing shame on anyone. You are. You raised her.

Men don’t respect women because of people like you.

Men don't respect women who sleep around and these women will struggle to find a long term relationship.

Well this tandem’s long term, incredibly respectful husband would beg to differ.

You don’t know anything about OP, her daughter or the DD’s inclination to leave either now or in later life.

The average age for a British young person to leave home was 25 in 2022- older in rural areas. So potentially at least another 9 years living in that community.

It's a better than telling her that her sexuality should be supressed because of what men and the village gossips might think.

There seems to be a lot of fear and loathing of the idea of a young woman enjoying sex on this thread.

I spent my teens in a village like that, where everyone was up in each others business, or making up other's business.

I got the hell out when I was 18, and I would bet the OP's daughter will too.