Daughter sleeping around

[SarahBeez]

Help please. My 16 year old daughter I think is well brought up, we love her lots and she gets lots of attention as we do dance with her every weekend. We openly talk about sex and contraception but she never admits to much.

she’s in a group of friends and she’s having casual relationships (which always ends with her cheating on them!) and has had sex with 5 boys already that I know of. Most just one night.

shes getting a reputation and every time she does it there’s repercussions (ie her friends all fall out with her as it’s someone’s boyfriend, or they hate her for what she did to a boyfriend or people say she’s a slag etc she and I find this v stressful) it’s never a quiet thing. Sometimes she’s drunk sometimes she’s not. She’s 17 in June.

im starting to dislike her and I’ve said some really nasty stuff myself as I can’t stop her! we know all the parents and know they all talk. She’s bringing shame on the family. How do I stop her??

Erm this is a parenting forum. If you can’t go to a parenting site for parenting advice then where can you go? The OP is very clearly trying to ‘support her in getting help’ by coming here in the first place

I'm just putting this out there. I was a reckless teen. Not quite like your daughter, but lots of underage drinking, toxic relationships, sex etc. it's seriously bizarre to me that adults are actually discussing her. I get teenagers talking but who goes home to their mum and says so and so is a slag. Anyway, I digress, she clearly needs something and perhaps that is a move away from this environment for a clean slate. Or most likely it's therapy to get to the root of it. Was her Dad harsh growing up? Lots of expectations? Any verbal or physical abuse? Therapy can help unpick this.

I also just wanted to add that I came from a fairly normal family too. I never "tried to be cool" my issue was needing validation. I'm now in my thirties, married, secure and happy. Don't hate your daughter, don't give up on her she needs you, she's still a child.

I feel like you and your horrible village need to get some less misogynistic attitudes tbh.

Yeah this the sexist shameful comments are disgusting. Including the OPs.

Shame? Shame on you for saying that OP.

How much do you actually know about ADHD? The dopamine hit of hooking up with someone and 'being cool' was definitely a feature of my teen years.

Also maybe she doesn't tell you anything being she knows you will judge and shame her? The way you're talking about her is not very nice at all.

She's not getting g a reputation. She has a reputation.

Having casual sex at only 16 is incredibly sad.

Is she doing because she thinks it's the only way boys will like her when in fact the reverse is true?

Does she do it to barter for drugs or money?

When is she able to sleep with them?

I'd be taking her to school and collecting her and only allowing female friends to visit whilst I'm there.

This has to stop before she gets an STD or pregnant and before her mental health is completely destroyed.

There is nothing wrong with casual sex. Sex is pleasurable and she is over the age of consent. Is she having safe sex? That's what I would be concerned about but ultimately it's her body, so if she has the information you can't force her to do anything. Are you religious OP? Why the shame comment? I would be worried on her behalf of honour based violence.

Stop worrying about her reputation. You need to focus on why she is doing this. If she had a strong sense of self-esteem and understood the risks to her health, it is unlikely she would have engaged with so many sexual partners in such a short period of time.

She needs therapy and better sex education. you need to talk to her not just about disease and pregnancy, but about emotional readiness, trust, and intimacy.

Yes to this. But also I'd be concerned about sexual abuse at some point earlier.

What I wouldn't do is say nasty things and talk about shame on the family.

I'd say she's doing it because she's lacking affection or attention.

You said you pay her attention because you take her to weekly dance classes, doesn't sound like attention to me.

Talk to her fairly, nasty comments or thoughts she's bringing shame to the family arent helpful.

There are some really hurtful comments on this - it's not always easy to type out every detail and sometimes things come across badly. If course we all feel shame - if any of our kids was doing things we think they shouldnt we would feel shame if the did it, be it this, vandalising a grave or any other anti social behaviour.

And just because someone sleeps around does not mean they need therapy or have something wrong.

And just because someone sleeps around does not mean they need therapy or have something wrong.

But it can mean that - and given the ADHD etc, it might very well be this girl needs more support. Silly to ignore the possibility.

And just because someone sleeps around does not mean they need therapy or have something wrong.

Someone? No. A 16yo who is also drinking and falling out with friends? Yes.

I don't think the casual sex is necessarily the most worrying thing here (although it of course brings its own issues!) but rather the cheating and behaviour. I second finding a psychologist for her if you can.

Op is taking a beating here and I don’t think it’s fair. I’d feel the same. The adhd will be having more of an impact than you think. Risky behaviour and dopamine hits from the attention and sex will be featuring.
I think you have to find ways of building her self esteem. Keep talking and being there for her, communicate on her level, text her you love her and you’re proud to be her mum every damn day. Definitely avoid slut shaming her.

@MrsTerryPratchett yet so many teenage boys drink and sleep around and no one questions it! 🤔

thanks @Dadjoke007 already felt like there’s times when maybe I should remove myself from my kids lives for their sake. Think one of the few that genuinely is trying to help not judge. So many bitchy judgemental people judging me and saying IM HORRIBLE! :(

Uhhh not everyone has the same severity. Its ons a spectrum

This.

focus on her well-being, not “shame”. Would you be thinking the same if she was a boy? Probably not.

From what you have said, I would worry that the boys in this 'friendship' group are taking advantage of her. I would get therapy, if she will agree, it doesn't sound like she is having fun. Something is amiss.

I was going to ask if she has ADHD before you mentioned it. That will be the reason, and you diminish it's affects by claiming it is mild at your own peril. As another poster said, there is no mild, you have it or you don't.
Promiscuity occurs a lot in people with ADHD, it's the tendency to live in the moment, act on impulse and get instant affirmation off someone else, when maybe over the years, the ego has taken a bashing for being different.
Talk to her about it, find out if she is happy. Ask her if she cares about the risks involved, or about how others feel about what she does? The more you discuss it openly, including consequences, the more likely things may stick so hopefully she can learn to over-ride impulses in the moment by considering consequences.

@SarahBeez I don't know the answer to that I'm afraid. But I was abused as a much younger child so I believe the damage had already been done.

Totally agree here. My son has literally just been diagnosed with moderate ADHD. It actually says that in his diagnosis letter. Moderate. So there are different strains

Wow, that is a lot of unpack.

Having a heathy sexual appetite isn't a problem, the issue here is with her choice of partners, not the amount of them. Safe consensual sex between 2 people who are single is not the issue.

Stop judging her on the sex first of all and focus on what the behavior means, if she is ruining friendships, why?

Teens will get drunk, pretending you have any way of fully stopping them doing that without making them a prisoner in their own home is silly. Just like teens will have sex. Again, all you can do is make sure she is aware of safe sex, consent and managing relationships. By the sounds of some of your replies, you are taking things very personally and dare i say it, immaturely?

ADHD is commonly associated with "promiscuous" behavior, as its a source of dopamine.

You won't stop her having sex and exploring the world, but if you don't help her see what the true issue is she won't learn.

none of my documentations state a level. from what i've read its not about having more/less ADHD but more about how it impacts you