Daughter sleeping around

[SarahBeez]

Help please. My 16 year old daughter I think is well brought up, we love her lots and she gets lots of attention as we do dance with her every weekend. We openly talk about sex and contraception but she never admits to much.

she’s in a group of friends and she’s having casual relationships (which always ends with her cheating on them!) and has had sex with 5 boys already that I know of. Most just one night.

shes getting a reputation and every time she does it there’s repercussions (ie her friends all fall out with her as it’s someone’s boyfriend, or they hate her for what she did to a boyfriend or people say she’s a slag etc she and I find this v stressful) it’s never a quiet thing. Sometimes she’s drunk sometimes she’s not. She’s 17 in June.

im starting to dislike her and I’ve said some really nasty stuff myself as I can’t stop her! we know all the parents and know they all talk. She’s bringing shame on the family. How do I stop her??

I think the OP meant most of the guys her daughter had sex with were one night stands. Not that she had 5 in one night!!

There will be a reason she is doing this.

My best friend at that age was the same - she'd slept with far more people before she turned 17 than I have in my life (late 20's). I don't like to armchair diagnose 'daddy issues' but her dad walked out on her at 14, after being in her life before that - I honestly think she was seeking some sort of attention/love/affection she felt she was missing at home.

So you need to address it with her for sure, to find out the root cause.

But there's no need to catastrophise and worry this is going to follow her around forever - I knew plenty of people like it at my school and I can't say that's the first thing I think now, when I bump into them. I also don't particularly judge them for it - we all did stupid shit when we were 16

I think it’s very easy to say it’s unreasonable to judge, and in a perfect world that would be the case.

But it’s not a perfect world, and unfortunately OP and her dd living in a small, rural community, there will be people that judge, spread gossip and make sure that the dd never forgets her teenage indiscretions.

I wish it was different, but I can understand why the OP is worried.

yet so many teenage boys drink and sleep around and no one questions it! 🤔

They should. But it's less likely to be linked to prior sexual abuse in boys. Still possible but less likely.

16 is still young.

This

I did this. I was sexually abused as a child and lacked a health male role model.

I didn't sleep with my friends boyfriends, but I had sex with people.

I think your town sounds rather horrid. Gossiping about your DD and another woman.

Your DD can have as much or as little sex as she wants. She needs to consider her friends feelings though.

You need to never say cruel things to her about sex. No one, especially her mother should be commenting crudely.

Where is her father in all of this? I'm guessing absent?

ADHD could be a contributing factor as can hormones.

I'd try to talk to her about why ina non judgmental way.

Consider if she needs therapy. You can go through NHS, school or access a local charity. Or private therapy

All those saying she must have self esteem issues to "value herself so little" - is it not entirely possible that she values herself just fine and is a young woman who just loves sex with multiple partners? Just as many young (and older) men do? If this was a boy I don't think we would all be rushing to diagnose low self esteem.

OP, she does as you have identified need to learn not to cheat/sleep with friends' boyfriends. But these are teen relationships, not marriages - your level of judgement of her and anger is disproportionate I think.

The drinking is the most concerning aspect in my opinion. An unhealthy relationship with alcohol can start young. I would consider seeking specialist support to help her with this.

I would say that for some reason she has self esteem issues. I'm saying that because when I was at school, two of the girls in my year both slept around (a lot) - by the time we were 18, they'd both slept with almost 50 boys/men. One was pretty & popular and almost 'admired' for this, the other was not 'attractive', used to get very drunk & some of her shags were lorry drivers, older men etc. & she was considered a 'slag'. The first girl was an absolute bitch, the second was incredibly lovely & good fun and kind.. Both, however, were incredibly insecure. The second girl was, and still is, my friend. She is married, settled & has kids now & recognises how much she was picked up & dropped by men. She did it to feel wanted & desired and to feel that she mattered.. Both, especially my friend, were infact abused by these men. Your daughter, for whatever reason, is likely to have similar issues with self esteem & in an ideal world would open up to you about this. However, I can't think of anyone from my generation, at that age, wanting to talk to our parents about our sex lives (although it was non existent for the majority if us).

I hope she's careful & avoids pregnancy & STD's.

ADHD will be playing a massive part here if it’s the impulsivity type. She needs support, probably professional. You can self refer via NHS.

Is she medicated for her adhd?

This is impulsive, high risk behaviour. If she is medicated, seek a review.

This is quite a hard read. Lots in your OP about you and how you feel. Not concern about what your DD must be going through to take part in ‘risky behaviours’.

ADHD can make you impulsive and it can also make you fear rejection (rejection sensitivity) so both of these could be contributing to her behaviour.

perosnally if my DD was doing this I’d worry about low confidence, low self esteem and attachment issues.

Yes, none of the "find out why she's doing this" posts seem to consider the possibility that she enjoys no strings sex, just as many adults - which she will be in just over a year - do.

Ok i didn't do what your daughter is doing but a tamer more 90's version of it.

I had a great home life. But i was a bit overweight and was very self concious. So, whilst all my friends were a size 6 i was more like a small 12 but in my head i was an elephant. I was also v pretty so actually got quite a lot of attention. And i snogged practically anything that moved because i had low self esteem and i liked the attention.

Its easy to see as an adult but as a teen you do ridiculous things. I grew out of it by the time i went to uni where i was v tame!!

Get her some feel good about yourself counselling. What she is doing is dangerous for her mental and physical health. But don't blow it out of proportion- teens have sex and do risky things. You just need to get to the bottom of why she places so little value on herself.

I truly believe one of the many differences between men and women includes our differences needs in terms of sexuality and sexual contact.

I am a feminist.

I (and all the others on this thread) can make the assumption that the way this child is behaving may be an indication of poor self-esteem, lack of boundaries, impulsiveness, need for attention/validation.
Care about vulnerable girls/women doesn't mean we aren't feminists.
Men have done very well out of the sexual revolution, I'm not sure women have done quite as well out of it.
Casual sex is nothing to feel ashamed of, but many people do, it is no longer 'casual' then is it?

Women & girls also have to be very much more aware of the consequences of 'casual sex' than men, eg increased risk of danger/violence, pregnancy etc etc.

I have ADHD so I completely understand how impulsivity, dopamine seeking and RSD are a heady combination. Casual sex isn't the long-term answer.
It's worth having therapy and developing healthier strategies to combat the affects of ADHD. I'm another who doesn't believe there is 'mild' ADHD. Women are better at masking/internalising it.

It's fine saying she must be happy to do it but if she ends up with STI or pregnant will the op have to fix the problem then or end up being used as free childcare?

She's a nearly 17 year old with adhd.

She will likely have a hyper sec drive, be discovering all the people out there in the world, and impulsively making decisions based on all of that.

That was me at 16, hypersexual with adhd and autism and a desire to be wanted, loved and included.

Just make sure she's on the pill or implant and has condoms.

That's your solution?
Just stick her on the pill?
Great.

You have been asked about her father figure and you seem to be evading the question.
Did the father neglect or was abusive towards your daughter?
This piece of information is key.

Well according to some it is perfectly normal and ok for this to be going on at 16

@SpringerFall

I think some of those posters are men, or don't have daughters/teenagers so are completely out of touch as to how young/immature a 16 year old is.
Or are confusing casual sex as a women in her 20s/30s/40s/50s/60s etc with 'casual' sex as a child who is still in school with the extra vulnerability of having ADHD.

I imagine if it was a 60 year old women shagging her mates boyfriends those posters would be horrified!

My daughter will be 16 in the not too distant - I know that if I try to stop anything she will just go behind my back and maybe be in a more unsafe situation. I learnt this off an ex GF dad when I was in my teens. He probably was not happy I was sleeping with his daughter but wanted it to be in a safe environment. Would I be happy if my daughter was doing that - no, of course not, protective dad but I remember what I was like as a teen and at that age you think you no best, and being stopped can make the issue worse. Also, some 16yo can be more mature than a 20yo, it depends on the person

Teens with adhd are often much younger emotionally than their peers, up to 2-3 years in the difference

It is not fair that people judge a female for doing what a young male would be almost admired for. But that is the world we live in :-(.

Is there a male figure in her life who could sit her down and explain from a male point of view how men will view women who they think are easy and how they will flatter her and tell her anything she wants to hear in order to sleep with her ? She needs to understand that she needs to value herself and her body and that men have to earn her trust and respect before she sleeps with them and to wait until she's in a proper relationship .