Daughter sleeping around

[SarahBeez]

Help please. My 16 year old daughter I think is well brought up, we love her lots and she gets lots of attention as we do dance with her every weekend. We openly talk about sex and contraception but she never admits to much.

she’s in a group of friends and she’s having casual relationships (which always ends with her cheating on them!) and has had sex with 5 boys already that I know of. Most just one night.

shes getting a reputation and every time she does it there’s repercussions (ie her friends all fall out with her as it’s someone’s boyfriend, or they hate her for what she did to a boyfriend or people say she’s a slag etc she and I find this v stressful) it’s never a quiet thing. Sometimes she’s drunk sometimes she’s not. She’s 17 in June.

im starting to dislike her and I’ve said some really nasty stuff myself as I can’t stop her! we know all the parents and know they all talk. She’s bringing shame on the family. How do I stop her??

I was always similar. I think it was a combination of not having a great home life and getting a lot of attention from boys/ men and finding that was the easiest way to get affection and be close to someone. I was looking for love in the wrong places. If I had my time again I'd be different but there's no point in regrets. There will be something that's making her react in this way. Maybe she thinks it's expected of her and normal. I don't think there's many year 16 old girls that sleep around with the only reason being that they like sex.

Hi OP, I was that girl at that age, and I seriously regret it now at 33. I was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar in my early 20s. I hate who I was back then and would change so much if it was possible, so please do everything you can to get help for your daughter so she doesn't have to possibly live with the same regrets later in life. Therapy would be a good idea, although it didn't work for me at that age but that's not to say it won't for your daughter. Also have a Google for mental health access hubs along with your local area name. See if there is one near to you. They are an excellent source for mental health help in my area, and very quick!

Sorry to hear about your situation. To be brutally honest, it sounds like the actions of a girl that doesn't have a father in her life? If so, then try to guide her into educating herself about her own emotions and how the lack of a father figure can affect young girls.

I think she's looking for attention and affection. I was certainly out drinking and having sex at her age (with one person) and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, I actually think the underage drinking was far worse.

What you seem to be really worried about is her reputation and the wagging tongues within the village, but look, while that's an unpleasant thing for you to be experiencing, it's not the main thing here.

You mentioned 'get therapy' as some kind of a glib solution that's been thrown at you (apologies if I misread that) however it is probably pretty vital at this stage if she's getting herself into unsafe situations, but especially because she's probably in dire need of something that maybe only a therapist can identify.

For me I wanted to escape a miserable father, whose whole demeanour told me that I was basically a wafty waste of space who didn't know anything about life. You seem to think something similar about your daughter and it's extremely damaging long term. It's not the worst thing in the world to not know what you want to do in your future (at 16!) and it's not the worst thing to be a bit airy-fairy. At least see about getting her ADHD properly treated.

I have not read all the replies.

I do get the impression that you are annoyed with her and embarrassed by her when maybe you might find it more helpful to ask why she is doing this ... why her desperation for love and attention is leading her down this path that is not ideal.

She needs you to be the strong secure adult who makes sure she knows she is loved and that your involvement is from a place of love. That you do not care about neighbours and wagging tongues ... that all you care about is her.

Definitely stop saying "nasty stuff" ... if you talk to her as if she is a slag then what incentive does she have to change? Even my mum does not like me, so what the hell!

I would agree with this in that being promiscuous may be a sign of former sexual abuse. It can be a way of trying to feel in control of boys/men so as to right the previous powerlessness.

Also though as others have said, lack of male (non sexual) attention from a father figure, or lack of self esteem and feeling loved, or huge stress in her life could be leading to her looking for love or a sedative through sex.

What you should do is stop focusing on her reputation and her shame, and focus on her wellbeing.

Talk to her, without judgement. The damage is done given you said nasty things to her , so she might not open up. Approach it from a point of wanting to understand. How is she feeling? What is she getting from it? How does she feel after? Does it happen without alcohol? What is she looking for? Attention? Love? Validation?

If you can afford it, pay for some private counselling/therapy.

How is her ADHD managed? How is her impulse control?

Keep her busy. You say she does dance, but can you tempt her with some other hobbies/activities? Rather than grounding her , keep her around and busy.

She needs a new circle of friends. One where there isn't an expectation of drinking and sleeping around. Can you change that in any way? With clubs, suggesting/encouraging outings with other friends, changes at/of school etc.?

As she is nearly 17 not much you can do .
Try give her advice .
And as others have said sti tests regularly

I find it really odd that on a website that prides itself on feminism we see a young women taking part in sexual behaviour in the same way young men do and immediately say she needs therapy, she had bipolar or ADHD, lacks a father figure or is attention seeking.

Honestly I think she's just being teenager. It's exciting, arguements and drama is also exciting when you're young. Some are just hornier than others. In all likelihood she will grow out of it and experience will teach her she can lose friends this way. Cheating on boyfriends and breaking it off with them, while not ideal behaviour is probably pretty typical in adolescent relationships, it's more usual to see it the other way round ie young women being messed around by young men but it's not abnormal.

It's a spectrum like ASD. Also girls starting to have sex early is one of the things noted in girls with adhd who prioritise/ overcompensate academic struggles with social activity / popularity . Well established pattern

In the end OP, your dd is nearly 17. She is above the age of consent and is entitled to a sex life. You can't forbid her, whether you like it or not.

She isn't the only 17yo who has had multiple boy friends.

I think all you can do is support her on aspects of sexual health. Reinforce the safe sex message. Ensure she has condoms. Make sure she can always get home safely.

Do not give her a hard time. She knows you don't approve but if you nag, you will drive her away and then she will be completely unprotected. Don't try to control her. Perhaps she is doing it to provoke a reaction. Concentrate on the positive things in her life instead.

If your family say anything, just say she is above the age of consent and her sex life is no-one else's business, and then change the subject.

Eventually she will find her feet and things will settle down.

me too. I had a ton of older brothers who were all (except 2 who were paired up w/gfs who became wives basically from 17 on) out having sex with as many girls as they could and our parents were pretty sex-friendly, ie it was important to be safe but sex was perfectly natural. So I learned it was okay to have sex and when I was single I got out and screwed quite a few guys and a girl or two for fun.

Looking back I'm sure my mother was conflicted about my sex life but she knew how hypocritical it would have been to try to stop me when it was all wink-wink did you have a good time last night to the boys.

Am now a happy well adjusted older middle aged woman, happily married for over 20 years. Being promiscuous isn't a death sentence. Speak to your daughter about the importance of avoiding pregnancy and STDs and exactly how to do that and remind her its destructive to sleep w/boys who have girlfriends.

Also-ignore the local gossips they're not on your side and probably gleefully report to each other your responses when they report your daughter's dalliances.

I’d start with self esteem work. It sounds like she might be seeking to have some needs met (validation, attention etc) in unhealthy ways, and she’d benefit from finding ways to feel better without the external validation.

Because she is sixteen you halfwit. She should feel ashamed of her daughter and more than that of her self for such poor parenting skills. Sixteen is not mature enough for casual sex, what she is doing right now will damage her and her ability to form Relationships for the rest of her life and that's before the risk of disease and pregnancy. The world could do with a little more shame these days, grim to read the enthusiasm for this behaviour in the comments.

Is this for real? 16 yo can have as much sex as they want to. Loads of people shagged around in teens and have had fine long term relationships.

Poor girl.

Where is her father?

Whatever the reason your daughter is doing this, she needs to know that no, boys don't find it cool. A lot of boys pretend they're fine with girls who have a lot of casual sex (in order to ensure they can still get it), but actually they're a lot more judgemental than they often seem.

If she's doing this to please boys, it's counterproductive - it will feel as if it's working short term, but is unlikely to lead to anything more, especially if they find out that some of their friends has also slept with her. I also shudder what she might be putting up with, given how much violent and degrading porn boys are exposed to.

A bit like sex appeal then.

Shouldn't matter what boys think of her.

it never made sense than a boy would have sex with a girl then dump her and be critical.

Who are these so called loose women having sex with exactly...

Exactly! Get it while you can!

I wish I did!

ADHD can manifest this way. The attention from boys is a little hit of dopamine and when it goes away she may go looking for it again. Attention from friends, family, etc - good or bad - all do the same thing. ADHDers can also have addictive personalities. And you can get "addicted" to whatever gives you that dopamine hit. It could be anything that makes you feel good - exercise, praise at school or work, or go the other way; sugary foods, smoking, social media, sex, alcohol, etc.

It's a complex issue - and I am not saying it's the cause - but this could definitely feed into it.

Normal? 5 guys on one night is normal to you?
She already has a reputation, maybe you need to sit her down and tell her exactly what she has become known as. This will follow her forever. I too would feel ashamed at a child like this. She needs to be grounded. 5 guys in one night- that is not normal.

I behaved like this in my teenage years right up until mid twenties.

My dad was a very angry man who showed no love, I was bullied relentlessly for being fat and ugly. I slept around in a attempt to make boys like me because I so desperately wanted to be loved and wanted and I had zero self esteem.

when my dad found out he screamed at me that I was a slag, a embarrassment and he was ashamed of me and embarrassed that I was his daughter. I cant even explain how much that hurt. I carried that for 20 years and only spoke about it to a therapist last year. I wish someone had helped me earlier.

im not saying your daughter is doing it for the same reasons I did but my advice in this situation would be never to shame her. If its a self esteem issue shaming her will just destroy her self esteem even more. Talk to her if you can.

could she be being bullied?