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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner tried to ruin my trip - part 2

154 replies

Random100 · 08/05/2024 23:42

Just creating a new thread as the old one has filled up quickly!

OP posts:
VJBR · 08/05/2024 23:51

Thanks for keeping us updated.

Zonder · 08/05/2024 23:51

Checking in to say hang in there OP.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/05/2024 23:52

Checking in

Roryhon · 09/05/2024 00:06

Hoping there’s nothing more dramatic to report and he crawls back under his stone and leaves you in peace.

0sm0nthus · 09/05/2024 00:10

As said, his behaviour is erratic & he seems unstable.
Is he flighty OP or does he tend to fixate on things? Or in other words what's your gut feeling for how long it will take for him to drop the rope in the abscence of any reward or encouragement from you?

ControlShiftDelete · 09/05/2024 00:20

Checking in

JFDIYOLO · 09/05/2024 00:37

Hiya!

Does your friend know about the Mumsnet threads? I hope she knows what an absolute star she must be to be supporting you and giving you a safe space like this.

As others have said you're in a bit of an adrenaline crash now. The fight or flight you've been under for so long has suddenly lifted and that can be very disorientating. Takes a while to adjust and rebuild your confidence and independence that he's been systematically breaking down.
Allow yourself that time.

Reach out to family and other friends.
And to colleagues/manager/HR. They should have policies in place to support you, because you need support and there is no shame in vulnerability.

And beware the inevitable attempts to reel you back in. He's tried using the mutual friend, who'll have none of it. He'll try anyone else you have in common, so ensure they know exactly what he's done and your decision, so they'll be prepared.

Be vigilant about your security. You shouldn't have to, but sadly this may not be end of it.

And stay resolutely blocked on all channels.

He may use any tactic he can think of. They're just that, tactics.

Bramblestarr · 09/05/2024 00:37

Just wanted to send quick message to say thinking if you.
Haven't read every message and I know it's a bit weird but have you tried googling his name, may come up if he has any criminal convictions.

Also you mention the Freedom Programme. This is now usually referred as the Inspire Programme. I would really recommend searching for Harbour domestic violence service or any that is local to you to get some support, these can then refer you to Inspire/Freedom.
Whilst waiting for referral to appropriate services, may be worth looking at Pat Craven book. You can access it online.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/05/2024 00:37

Very much sounded like he was playing nice by handing over your stuff to mutual friend thinking he could then pump mutual friend for info.

You mentioned earlier that he has no family he speaks to......I wonder why.

Weirdly, you may end up feeling glad that he has done this. When my abusive ex went to extremes (attempting to strangle me) and was removed by the police it was finally proof that it was his problem, not me "making him" hit me. the fact that he went so far meant that your eyes really couldnt unsee the kind of person he is and it forced you to act.

I know it sounds bizarre to say, but he has actually done you a favour.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/05/2024 00:42

@Random100

Your last few posts show that you are seeing him and his behaviour so much more clearly now. Every day will be a step further away from him.

It was 'only' 8 months out of the 80+ years you're going to be on this lovely Earth of ours. You'll soon be past all this and things will have settled down and your life will be 'coming up roses' once again.

Hagpie · 09/05/2024 00:50

I am so glad you are safe OP I was so worried you would go back.

Duckducklooseygoose · 09/05/2024 02:36

i Feel like your ex is also my ex 😳 Just checking you’re not from Leicestershire!

Ellie525 · 09/05/2024 04:11

So glad you're safe, out of it for good and having some time with friend to rest/lean on xxx

fettybord · 09/05/2024 05:24

Glad you are staying out of the way. Can you get a restraining order?

Mellowmallow201 · 09/05/2024 05:28

Sorry could someone link the 1st thread. Hope you're OK OP

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2024 05:29

You can do this, OP. Stay strong.

isthismylifenow · 09/05/2024 06:02

Checking in on new thread.

tribpot · 09/05/2024 06:09

It's good that mutual friend is refusing to pass info on to him but before you see mutual friend, @Random100 , I would stress you don't want to hear anything about him either. It's both unhelpful and unnecessary. This isn't a normal break-up, it's an escape from an abuser and the police are involved.

Hopefully you did see the advice on the other thread to check the box of stuff mutual friend gives you for tracking devices.

Pipsquiggle · 09/05/2024 06:17

Stay strong and safe OP

BeLimeExpert · 09/05/2024 06:32

Be careful that he hasn’t placed a tracker/air tag in with your belongings. Not sure if he’s likely to do this but just be mindful.

SpringLobelia · 09/05/2024 06:33

Checking in with my support. Such great ideas on the last thread and I am so glad you turned off 'Find my iphone'. I would never have thought of it, and am so glad that the collective wisdom of Mnetters can help. Thanks

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/05/2024 06:46

Checking in with support 💐

SendNoodles · 09/05/2024 06:55

Really proud of you, OP!

Lostinbrum · 09/05/2024 06:57

Glad your still holding strong OP.